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Graduation Day

The day Patrick died I was overwhelmed with the love and support that I received. As the days went by I was amazed by the lives he had touched and the people who were profoundly affected by his death. At the time I couldn’t imagine a world without Patrick but I also couldn’t imagine getting through this if I didn’t have my people.

My people, each and every one of you! You helped me through this and inspired me to make something positive out of so much sadness. I had never planned to return to school, it wasn’t even on my radar. Suddenly the pieces began falling in place and I was enrolled in the Professional Clinical Counseling program (online) at Grand Canyon University. I didn’t think it would take me nearly four years to get my masters but I did it at the pace that was right for me.

Today I was supposed to attend commencement in Phoenix, Arizona. And, like all the other significant events right now, it has been postponed. I’m not going to let that stop me from celebrating so I put on my regalia and Sierra played Pomp & Circumstance on her phone while taking pictures. Someday our lives will get back to normal. For now I’m happy to have something to celebrate!

Thank you to all my family and friends who supported me, loved me, and believed in me!

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First Day of School

Today was the first day of school for Clovis Unified. I watched as all my friends posted pictures. I never did the cutesy pictures. I wasn’t that organized! Seeing all of the pictures today reminded me of all of the first days and how much fun it was to watch the girls grow into young ladies. I’m glad that Patrick was there for most of that journey.

This is actually the most momentous first day of school yet for our household! Today Sierra started her first day of law school at Loyola Law in Los Angeles! We actually moved her a week ago since she had orientation last week. Then she came home this last weekend and it will be the last time for a while I’m sure.

She already had homework even before classes officially started today. I can already see a change in her. She left to go back before noon yesterday so she could do homework. She used to leave at 6:00 or 7:00 to go back to Long Beach!

Patrick would be so proud of her! She’s always been a good student but she has shown tremendous resiliency in the last two plus years. I’m happy that they both developed their father’s focus when it comes to school work. I did okay but I have to say their grades more closely resemble his.

My current class is on crisis and trauma. Today I read an interesting passage in my textbook, Crisis Assessment, Intervention, and Prevention. The authors, Lisa Jackson-Cherry and Bradley Erford, said “Successfully dealing with adversity often results in an outcome that is better than one that might have been reached without the adversity”. It seems odd to say that my girls are doing better because of Patrick’s death but I think they have each found their own way of dealing with adversity and in getting through this, they have become stronger. I believe that they consciously made this decision and are not only merely doing it because it’s what is expected. I am proud to call them my daughters!!!!

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I’m in awe of Sierra!!!!!

Patrick loved both of his girls dearly and he had unique relationships with each. The last few days I have been reminded of how proud he was of Sierra.

Sierra. My firstborn. Beautiful. Strong-willed yet loving. Confident. Smart. Witty. She has been a bit more of a challenge to parent, not because she is a bad kid, we just butt heads at times.

Sierra had a special relationship with Patrick. They loved each other dearly. They would have heated arguments about a variety of things. He knew which buttons to push and on more than one occasion she ended up going to her room in tears when he pushed a little too far. And he tested this frequently. They didn’t always see eye to eye but as she got older i think they enjoyed their debates.

He worried about her when she went to college in Long Beach. She frequently called with a variety of car and apartment issues and at one point he was convinced that she needed to just come home. I knew that she would be fine. She tended to react strongly to problems but she always worked through them.

Two years ago today, Sierra got a ride home with her Aunt Denise and surprised us for a weekend visit. I screamed when I opened the door! Patrick had been experiencing a lot of challenges at work since he became the acting Inpatient Rehab Supervisor and it had been a rough week. He was SO happy to see her! They stayed up late talking and when he came to bed he told me that having her come home was exactly what he needed. He was so very happy and proud of her.

Sierra had been telling us she was graduating in three years. We weren’t sure whether or not this was a pipe dream or actually possible. She had not been a straight A student in high school but she was always a really good student and had a lot of AP classes. Patrick and i talked about how amazing it would be if she were actually able to pull this off!

When Patrick was killed, Sierra was in Long Beach. Fortunately Denise was only 1 1/2 hours away. She called Sierra and told her something had happened at home, and to pack a bag and be ready to be picked up. Sierra did as she asked and then waited for her to arrive. She didn’t call or text anyone. I asked her about this recently and she told me that she didn’t really want to know what it was until she was actually with Denise. I think it was a very wise decision.

We cried together as I told her over the phone. Then she came home, moved into my room for a while, and we helped each other through the next few months. She was able to take incomplete grades for that semester and was given a year to make them up. When she returned to school in the fall, I just wanted her to be okay and finish one thing at a time. I assumed the 3 year plan was no longer possible.

She exceeded all of our expectations, making up her classes and sticking to the 3 year plan. She graduated with magna cum laude honors last May. I encouraged her to take a year off to study for and take the LSAT, and apply for law school. This also meant that I had another year of not being alone!

In December, she retook the LSAT and improved her score. At the end of January she submitted her first applications. I assumed it would take a while to hear back but on Friday she walked out of her room with a big grin on her face and told me she had been accepted to Southwestern with a decent size scholarship! She cautioned me that she didn’t want to get too excited because there were others to hear from and she had a few applications left. She didn’t want to make a decision until she knew all of her options. I couldn’t help it though, I sat there and imagined what it would be like to be sharing this moment with Patrick and tears poured down my face. I am SO proud of her and I can just picture the huge grin that would be on his face.

Yesterday she checked the mail and there was an admissions packet from McGeorge, UOP’s law school. UOP is Patrick’s alma mater! Inside there was a letter telling her she had been selected as an Anthony M. Kennedy fellow, an honor that includes a FULL tuition scholarship!!!!! Again the tears flowed! Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine she would get this kind of scholarship! Sierra has worked hard and overcome so much. Her dad would be so proud of her! I can’t wait for her to hear from the other schools and make her final decision but WOW, she already has so many options!!! I feel like there is nothing she can’t do! I’m just going to sit back and be in awe of her for a while!

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And she’s off on a new adventure!

In a few days I will be dropping Camille off at UC Davis. I knew the summer would fly by and it has. I’m kind of avoiding all of the feelings I have about this. I know we will all be okay and she’s going to have a great time but it’s hard letting go of my youngest!

I love both of my girls equally. They are alike in many ways but also different. Sierra was fiercely independent. I know she missed us and we missed her but she was excited to experience college. When we dropped her off I was honestly just really excited for her.

With Camille it’s a little different and a lot of it has to do with the change in circumstances. Camille and I have been together since Patrick died. Initially it was just us that day. And when Sierra left for school last year it was just Camille and I for the entire school year. So, I think that makes it harder to let her go. Make no mistake though, she will thrive in college and I know she will make me extremely proud!

I can’t even begin to tell you how grateful I am that Sierra will be home with me for another year. We will get to have that time together just like Camille and I did. Eventually they will both be gone but having this extra year is going to make it easier for me.

I just realized that today is the 22nd. I completely missed the 20th. Every month I have thought about how many months it has been. But I didn’t think about 17 months. I think that is a good sign! And I think Patrick would agree.

I’m adding pictures that Cathy arranged for the girls to take as a surprise for me. They make me so proud!