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Unexpected Love Story – Part 2 – Meet the Family

I am the first to admit that dating me is a lot! Bruce is an only child and only grandchild so it was somewhat of a culture shock when he met my family. He actually met the teNyenhuis side first! I tried to introduce him to small groups at a time but that is a challenge when we spend so much time together. After a month of dating he met all of my siblings and helped us move into the beach house. I introduced him and he was immediately put to work carrying furniture up stairs and putting things together. We still had things to buy so I left him with the guys while Dawan and I went shopping for a few hours. He likes to say I left him for 10 hours but don’t believe him!

Everyone seemed to like him and that made me very happy! But I knew things were going well when I overheard Tom talking to my Dad the next morning. The conversation was something like this, “We we’re trying to do … then Bruce said… we did this… Bruce thought we could… Bruce suggested…”. You get the picture, he fit so seamlessly into the family!

Then he met more family. Then I took him to the Boyles family reunion, then Ravioli Day. He was proud when he could remember a few names and then I would introduce him to more. We spent Christmas Eve and morning with my family and then I took him to Prandini Christmas. After each big event I gave hm space to decompress. And then he was always ready to meet more people!

Boyles Family Reunion!

In September I had a small flood at my house and it was in a state of disrepair for months. I couldn’t decide what to do. Should I have it repaired? Should I have additional work done? I thought about doing a kitchen remodel and Bruce suggested I get ideas from model homes. He told me he enjoyed visiting the models and there were a few he really liked. We had a blast looking at the models and I found myself imagining what the future might hold. Then he asked if I might like to buy a house together. I’m sure I had a big grin on my face when I told him that I would love that! Then he added that of course he would want to marry me! My grin got even bigger!

We started looking at more houses and I decided not to remodel my kitchen. Instead I started getting it ready to sell.

Even before the conversation at the model home we had talked hypothetically about moving in together. Bruce’s house was nice but it had limited parking and that would not work for family get-togethers! My house made more sense but I worried that it would be hard for Bruce to feel like it was his home. We decided it would be better to move to a house that was ours together.

Next step, find our new home. I’ll tell you all about it in my next post!

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Time helps

I finished a class today so I decided to take a look at my blog. I still have a lot of posts to move over from Tumblr. In the first year, I wrote often. I was constantly bombarded with emotions and writing things down seemed to help more than anything.

Lately I seem to have less time. School requires more focus, and I spend most of my free time with Bruce 😊. This doesn’t mean that I never think about Patrick or that I am “over” my grief. But time does help.

I stopped moving Tumblr posts over when I got to holiday posts and it was summer time. Now that it is December I’m going to try and catch up. Maybe I will even move them all!

As I look back on the words I wrote in 2016, I remember the fresh pain and the feeling that it would never be okay again. But I took baby steps and got through it one day at a time. And I’m happy to say that strategy has helped. Friends and family have helped. But mainly the passage of time has helped.

This past weekend I celebrated my 51st birthday at Disneyland. Bruce and I were there for three days and Sierra joined us at the park on Saturday. We had a wonderful time! I’m embarrassed to say that I did end up in a wheelchair for half of my birthday. Friday Bruce and I had over 20,000 steps and I was exhausted! On the way to the hotel we stopped at a mini mart for a Diet Pepsi and then I promptly missed a curb and landed mainly on my knee. My soda did not survive. 😂

Bruce took great care of me! I iced and took ibuprofen and felt pretty good Saturday until midday. Then I tried to rent a scooter and they were out so Sierra and Bruce agreed to push me around in a wheelchair. They were troopers but there are some serious hills in Frontierland and I am not a small woman. 🥴 They survived and I was able to walk again on Sunday. The good news is that Bruce didn’t run for the hills! He’s still putting up with me but he’s developed this habit of shouting CURB whenever we are anywhere near one. I guess I deserve that. 😂😂😂 He’s also wondering why I am gravity challenged around my birthday. Lol

I’ve been to Disneyland five times since Patrick died. I love Disneyland but it’s always bittersweet because of the memories I have there. And everywhere I turned I saw young lovers who reminded me of times Patrick and I went before the girls were born. Or I would see a father lifting a small daughter onto a ride and remember Patrick loving the joy on his daughter’s faces when we went. Bruce has his own bittersweet memories. Although we’ve had different journeys, we both ended up without our spouses. Being there with him made this visit different. The memories were still there, but they were softened by the knowledge that I am making new memories with someone I love, who also loves me. ❤️❤️❤️

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I Choose Happy!❤️❤️❤️

I’m in my last week of a class called “Spousal & Child Abuse, Crisis and Trauma Counseling”. I was a little surprised that we weren’t even studying the chapter on bereavement. I think there is a certain expectation that everyone just knows how to handle grief. I’ve learned that is not the case. People have a wide range of reactions to death and no one can really prepare you for it. When you are dealing with it, no one can really tell you how to do it either. For the most part, you find your own way, hopefully with the help of friends and family.

I chose to read the chapter on bereavement. I’m interested because it’s what I’ve been dealing with but also because I would like to be a crisis and trauma counselor and bereavement will be a part of that. Most of you are probably familiar with the “Stages of Death and Dying”. I really think those stages apply to people facing a terminal diagnosis. They can be applied to bereavement also but some of them don’t seem to fit very well. In my textbook I found a newer 4 stage guideline by J. William Worden:

    Accept the loss – At first, this seemed almost offensive to me. But it doesn’t mean you agree with it, just that it happened. This also means that it’s not necessarily healthy to pretend nothing happened. Removing or avoiding reminders does not make it go away. I learned to make small changes that acknowledged the loss without being startling.
    Experience the pain – Grief can be overwhelming! I know that I tried to avoid the pain a lot but it would always hit me when I least expected it. I finally learned to allow myself time to feel it and just let out the emotions. I haven’t needed a good cry in a long time but it certainly helped when I needed it! I found that it helped to know things that would trigger a good cry, and to give myself permission to let it all out.
    Adjust to an environment without the person – grieving families will sometimes try to leave things “as is” in an attempt to honor the deceased. For me, it helped to make minor changes, a little at a time. My mind needed that to remind me that he was gone but I was still there. And I was okay. I didn’t want to be stuck in one place, it would have been dreary to never move forward. I’m not saying that’s how everyone should do it, but it worked for me. Two plus years out I am ready to make larger changes. I’m planning some remodeling but I won’t change everything at once. Baby steps.
    Reinvest emotional energy in other relationships – This one is really important. At first it meant strengthening my connection with all of my family and close friends. Then it expanded to new friends, especially my fellow widows. Now it has progressed to a new relationship. I have a lot of love to give. And I know that Patrick would want me to be happy. I haven’t moved on, I have moved forward.

I could spend my days wrapped up in memories of the years I had with Patrick. This wouldn’t be a horrible thing to do. I have a lot of great memories! But if that is all I did, I would spend a lot of time being sad and missing him. I don’t want to be sad all the time. I choose happy! And I think he would approve!

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Four U-Hauls and an Empty Nest!!!

Since July 2nd I have rented four different U-Hauls! I’ve driven around town and gone north, south, and west. I knew this would be a busy summer but it didn’t turn out exactly as I thought and that’s a good thing!

I’ll start with the second U-Haul. On August 12th, after a week in Catalina and a wedding, we headed to LA to move Sierra to Loyola Law. It was a quick trip! Zio Matt drove the U-Haul and I was grateful that I didn’t have to! Aunt Denise tagged along and we got her moved in to a beautiful apartment. A month later she is studying hard and enjoying the experience!

The third U-Haul was a cargo van that I rented to take Camille to school. After all my past U-Haul drama, I finally found Rodeo Rentals. The owner is excellent! I was supposed to rent a trailer to tow but I did not have the correct lights on my car so he helped me decide the next best option, which was the easy to drive cargo van. The bonus of the cargo van was the extra space I had to bring IKEA purchases home. More on that later! Camille got settled in and is all ready to start school next week!

So the dreaded empty nest has happened! And I’ve barely had time to think about it! A series of things have happened that have made it a little easier to deal with my empty nest!

Patrick took good care of me and that carried on after he died. The decisions he made have enabled me to have a secure future and I’m very blessed that this has given me opportunities. The biggest opportunity yet came in late June when I went into escrow on a family beach house with my sister and brother-in-law. This is not something Patrick and I would have been able to do but he would have absolutely loved it! I’m so excited about the family trips in the future! Buying and furnishing the house has been fun!

After our offer was accepted we began making plans. I gave up my garage to store the furniture we began accumulating, beginning with an epic Costco trip on July 2nd that required a U-Haul to get our purchases home!

We thought it was going to be a quick escrow but there’s always some sort of snag. So, after a lot of false alarms we officially closed last week, the day I moved Camille to Davis. The trip to IKEA, to get a desk for Camille, morphed into a three hour shopping experience, mainly to get things for my room at the beach house (see picture below).

On Saturday we packed up the fourth U-Haul and drove to the beach house. There is still a lot of work left but we mostly moved in last weekend. I was fortunate that I was able to take my computer and do my school work while I worked on getting everything hooked up.

I still can’t believe how blessed I am to be a part owner of a beach house. Sometimes I feel a tiny bit guilty that I am finding joy in life. This is not what I had planned but I am 100% sure that I have Patrick’s blessing.

Just in case I started feeling too special, reality struck and my Clovis house was semi-flooded when a toilet valve broke. I left paradise and came home to loud fans and musty smells! And guess what? It was not the end of the world and nowhere near the worst thing that has happened to me. Denise and Denny came through just like they always do! Denny shut the water off and Denise dealt with the plumber and the cleanup people until I could get home. I’m not sure what’s going to happen as far as damage and cleanup but I will just deal with it as it comes up.

I’m reluctant to share this next part because I don’t want to jinx it. Right after I moved Sierra to LA, I met someone really special. His name is Bruce. We are enjoying getting to know each other and he is bravely meeting my big, crazy family. His first introduction was a teNyenhuis family get together. And, he was able to help with the beach house move and really get to know my siblings and one set of parents. They loved him! Tomorrow, he’s going to the Boyles family reunion with me! He deserves more than a short little paragraph and I’m sure I’ll write more in the future.

So, it’s been a busy, crazy, wonderful summer. I’m excited to see the girls following their dreams and I am very blessed that the good things happening made it a little easier to face the dreaded empty nest! Hopefully things will slow a little more and I will have more time to write. For now, thank you for always being there for me! ❤️❤️❤️

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Another chapter ends

Writing has become such a big part of my life. I haven’t written much because it’s hard to reconcile how to continue writing a blog about your late husband while dating someone. Really, the blog isn’t just about Patrick, it’s about my life after, and I need to keep that in mind. I don’t think I’m done telling my story.

The new relationship has ended. I did the ending but that doesn’t mean it was easy. And I really don’t want to write too much about it except to say that I don’t regret any time I spent with him and I wish I could have made it work.

Dating is so much different at this age. When Patrick and I met we were in the “planning your future” stage. We planned it out and that’s pretty much how it happened. Now I’m not even 100% sure what I want. I have another year of classes left and then eight months of practicum/internship. I don’t think I am going to completely know what my future will look like until after that.

And I’m figuring out that I am pretty set in my ways. I have my routines and familiarity is comfortable to me. It’s funny because so many people tell me how strong I’ve been. Sometimes I wonder about that. I mean, I wasn’t able to go back to work. I know so many widows who didn’t have that option. I’m grateful that it worked out but I do question my strength. And a little part of me worries that I will fail at counseling. I think it’s probably ok to be a little nervous about it but I do hope I made the right choice.

I still feel overwhelmed at times and that’s when I fall back on my routines. Most people around me know that homework is due every Saturday, Monday, and a big assignment on Wednesday. Sometimes life throws a wrench in those plans and I get cranky and stressed. So I realize that maybe this wasn’t the best time to be in a relationship. And probably I should just focus on school for now. I don’t know. Sometimes things aren’t meant to be but it sucks to hurt someone you care about. Right now I’m really sad about that.

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Music to my heart

The whole online dating thing just about made me crazy! I really thought I was going to need lessons! I will confess that I read multiple books. Books about how to write the perfect dating profile. Books about how to text men. Books about dating men from Mars. I was obsessed!!! I obsessed over pictures and I spent a lot of time deciding on the list of attributes, hobbies, etc. that I was looking for. Guess what? None of that really matters.

I haven’t posted in a while because I met a guy. And I don’t want to jinx things. No one has met him yet but that will happen soon enough.

I knew I was going to like him when he started sending me YouTube videos of music that I love! A lot of them! 🙂 And, I don’t have to agonize over how to communicate! I really didn’t need any of those books to meet him and get to know him. Sometimes it’s just that easy.

Dating someone is more of an adjustment than I thought it would be. It’s a good kind of adjustment but in a way, it’s kind of an identity adjustment. I was a wife, then a widow, and now a girlfriend. But I will always be a widow. And that’s a little hard to reconcile. You want to be sensitive but at the same time, Patrick will always be a part of me. My guy understands that. He’s read parts of my blog and one of the first things he said was that he was happy to be a part of my life after Patrick.

A few days ago I wore my special necklace that says “a piece of my heart is in heaven”. I debated whether or not I should but I finally decided, I’ve gotta be me. I really didn’t think he would even notice. But he did notice and then he said, “Awwwww” and gave me a hug.

So I haven’t spent as much time writing lately but I’m definitely not done writing. I really wanted to check in and let you know that I am doing well and I am happier than I’ve been in a while. 🙂

And here’s what he sent me today… Crazy for You by Madonna💖💖💖

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I miss my “person”

Since losing Patrick I’ve kind of been on a crusade to make grief and mourning a less taboo subject. Talking about a loved one dying seems to help ease the pain. I really believe this. So why do I sometimes feel that I can’t?

There are unwritten rules in our society that tell us we should get over it and move on within some unclear amount of time. I’ve heard that people have actually made comments about this to grieving people. Thankfully no one has ever said anything like that to me but I do it to myself!!!

I have been so obsessed with this whole dating thing and I think it’s been a way to redirect my grief. To be clear, I am not dating to “replace” Patrick. He’s irreplaceable! Any new relationship will be a completely new chapter.

I do think I can replace the intimate connection that I lost. And I’m not talking about sex. What I miss more than anything is having that one person that you can talk to about anything. I have thought about this a lot because I have a lot of friends and family who care about me. My loved ones would do anything to help me and they would love to be able to fill this void. So I want to be clear that this is not something I could get from a parent, sibling, child, or friend.

If I had to, I know I could survive without having this again. I hope I don’t have to, but I do think I could have a good life without it. Many people do. I just prefer not to be alone.

The other thing I have been doing is trying to convince myself and potential partners that I am mostly done grieving. I have this idea that men might think a widow sits around crying a lot that is probably not something they would want to sign up for. It’s such a hard sell!

I think I just need to be me and quit worrying about it. Yes, I lost my husband. Yes, I am sad about it, some days more than others. Most days I still can’t believe he is gone. But I still have fun. I smile, I laugh, I LIVE. I’m just going to focus on that for a while.

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My heart is a little broken

I have never been one to put personal drama on Facebook so it’s kind of ironic that my blog gets so personal. I stand behind my commitment to keep this raw and real so here goes… my heart has been broken. I realize it was pretty fragile to begin with and that I am a little dramatic, but right now there’s a new scar.

I’m sure this probably won’t be the last time my heart is broken either. And, to be fair, it wasn’t anything major or dramatic. I’m not even 100% sure that it is completely over. This uncertainty makes me feel like a teenager, but dating in 2018 is very hard to grasp. It can be very impersonal at times and I feel like I am not very good at it.

I’ve mentioned that every dating setback kind of opens up a wound for me. This isn’t really fair to anyone I’m dating but it’s part of my baggage. I’m alone because I was widowed. When things don’t work out with someone I’m dating, I am always reminded that I wouldn’t be going through this if THAT had not happened.

I also tend to question whether I should even hope to be lucky in love again. I experienced great love. Do you get that more than once?

I’ve always been a hopeless romantic and I still am. And, just like I want to repay the acts of kindness that were done for me, it makes me happy that I might be able to give another guy the opportunity to experience the love that I did. I think I am pretty good at relationships. Most recent guy might disagree but he never really got to experience that. I think I could make the right guy very, very happy.

I even question how I react to difficult dating situations because, if I feel I am experiencing hurt or rejection, I start getting behind my protective barriers that got me through losing Patrick. This experience is allowing me to learn a lot about myself and hopefully I won’t make the same mistakes again.

Part of me just wants to burrow under the covers in my bed and live the rest of my life with the happy memories of my marriage. But that’s not really living, is it? So, I will put myself out there again, be a little vulnerable and see what happens. As I always say, I’ve already experienced the worst thing that could happen to me so what could it hurt?

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Impatience

Dating sucks! It sucks because I can’t write about it! It sucks because I feel like I don’t know how to do it! But mainly it sucks because I shouldn’t have any reason to be dating! I did the dating thing. I chose well. I shouldn’t be alone.

I guess I’m having a pity party. And honestly I don’t really even have a reason to. I didn’t really have a bad experience or anything. I just feel like a teenager and it seems like this should be easier at age 50. I hate it so much that maybe I should just be single.

My word of 2017 is patience and I’m beginning to think I’m going to have to carry it in to 2018. Is that allowed? I wanted to find Mr. Right without having to play the ridiculous dating games. I don’t want to kiss a lot of frogs! I’m impatient!

At work we had to create a development plan every year. I never liked spending a lot of time on it because after a while my true goal was to have a dream job fall into my lap or to become independently wealthy and never have to work again. Who cares about developing at a job that you don’t want to be at anymore? So a lot of times I would carry goals forward. I always put time management on there because no matter who you are, there are always better ways to manage your time. So maybe I will have to carry patience into 2018 because I definitely haven’t learned it.

People who are dating at my age have more than likely spent some time being single. They may not want to be alone but a lot of them seem pretty set in their routine. And more than once i have wondered why some of them are even dating when they have difficulty finding time to actually spend with you. Maybe they are out dating other people?

When Patrick and I were dating we were always trying to find ways to spend time together. Most of the time we were in different cities. There were no cell phones, no email. It was snail mail or long distance phone calls. We did both. Maybe it is actually SO easy to stay in touch now that we take it for granted. And not just in dating. I know there are people I should reach out to more often. But reaching out takes no effort at all and I always plan to “do it tomorrow”. And then tomorrow I plan to do it the next day… Sometimes I send a text when I know a call would mean more. My point is that it is so easy to just assume someone will be there whenever you decide to contact them.

I don’t plan to be single forever. And I hate writing that because I truly am not advertising for a date! But I have to let some of my frustration out and this is how I do it. I guess I just thought the whole process would be easier.

I think I am just going stir crazy since I have somewhat limited mobility and I can’t drive. The good news is that I am getting out of the house for a few days and going to the happiest place on earth, where I will ride an electric scooter around, enjoy time with my daughter and friends and forget about the dating games! I will try to learn some patience but I hear the scooter will let me cut to the front of at least some of the rides, so yeah, instant gratification.

Ok, this pity party is over. Disneyland, here we come!

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Online Dating

I think that this online dating thing is turning into a very brief experiment! It’s turning out to be a lot of work with very little reward! I decided that since I do know a few other widows and some single people I could share my experience and some pointers. So far my experience does not include any actual dates and I think I’m okay with that!

Photos – I don’t have access to the photos women post but I’m guessing that a little more thought is put into them. Guys seem to think that we will be attracted to their motorcycles, cars, or a picture of the mountains. At least a third of the pictures are blurry! Who doesn’t have access to some kind of camera that can take a clear picture? The strangest phenomenon is the pictures from the nose up, half of their head. Is this some secret mating ritual that I don’t know about??? Oh, and sunglasses! Yes, I would like to see your eyes! And finally, did you mean for your picture to look like you want to kill someone? Because I’m a little bit afraid of you and that’s not a quality I’m looking for!

Spelling/Grammar- could you use spell check? Are you trying to fit in so much information that there is not room for punctuation?

Scammers – I’m not 100% sure what the scam is but I think it involves making you fall madly in love and then sending them all your money. Do people really fall for this? Here are the clues I have found so far:

1) Their profile description is very flowery. This alone is not a dead giveaway but if their messages are like that too, I’m not buying it!

2) They live far away. I think the intent here is so you can’t meet face to face until you send them all your money so they can come to see you.

3) They immediately want to communicate outside of the app and ask for your phone number right away. I haven’t given anyone my phone number yet and probably wouldn’t unless we were meeting for coffee.

4) They want your email address so they can send you more information and “pictures”. Then, if you give them a disposable email they ask for gmail. Dude! I know you are sending me some kind of virus, ain’t gonna happen! And I really don’t want any more pictures that can’t be posted on your profile!

5) English does not appear to be their first language. The way they speak does not make sense. They are using English but not in a way that you would. Example: “I’m not looking for a perfect relationship or a perfect love. Humans aren’t flawless and I expect her to exhibit one. Huh????

6) Their occupation or profession is unusual. Some of the ones I saw: Real State, Worker, Good Worker, Commander of NATO Special Forces on the West Coast (I’m not even kidding)!

I’m sure I am missing some of the clues but those are the most obvious.

Dating Sites: I joined 5, don’t judge me. Here are my opinions:

TINDER – This one appears to be mainly a hook-up app so I did not join it.

OK Cupid – I joined this first, it was suggested by a friend. She liked it because you answer a LOT of questions with the option to answer more. Then it gives you a comparability %. I found that number questionable since some of the “high matches” had only answered a few questions. I did get messages from a lot of people that I was not interested in so maybe I’m just picky? I messaged one person and he messaged me back to let me know he was working and would get back to me which I thought was nice. He replied a day or two later with a copy of one of my pictures and the message was “Sexy”. I said “Really? That’s your response?” Apparently he didn’t appreciate my sarcasm. He told me he didn’t have time for sarcasm and games.

Bumble – I joined Bumble a day later I think. The appeal of Bumble is that the ladies have to initiate conversation. This app does not show me a list of who I “liked” so I probably liked some people more than once. The profiles are very limited so it seems to be more about looks. I have not messaged anyone on this site and I don’t go on it as much.

Zoosk – I googled dating sites and found a review section. This was one of the more highly recommended ones. It has less information than OKCupid but more than Bumble. I do think that the people on here tend to be real because the site uses software to verify your photos, phone number and social profiles (but you don’t share the phone number or social profile on the site). This is a pretty good app. Still, only got messages from people I was not interested in and did not send any.

Match – This is one of the more popular ones and it seems to do at least some verification. It has a lot of features that I like too. I messaged a few people and I know that a few of them are definitely real people. If I stay on a site it might be this one but I haven’t decided.

Plenty of Fish – This app touts itself as being a conversation starter. When you join, the paid members can see that you are new. I got so many messages the first few days and some seemed at least a little promising. In the end I think it was mostly scammers and people I was not attracted to.

So that’s my review. I think I prefer to just wait and find someone in the real world. I am having fun trying to identify the scammers so I might stay on for the entertainment value. My advice to you, be very aware and assume everyone is an imposter!