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Another chapter ends

Writing has become such a big part of my life. I haven’t written much because it’s hard to reconcile how to continue writing a blog about your late husband while dating someone. Really, the blog isn’t just about Patrick, it’s about my life after, and I need to keep that in mind. I don’t think I’m done telling my story.

The new relationship has ended. I did the ending but that doesn’t mean it was easy. And I really don’t want to write too much about it except to say that I don’t regret any time I spent with him and I wish I could have made it work.

Dating is so much different at this age. When Patrick and I met we were in the “planning your future” stage. We planned it out and that’s pretty much how it happened. Now I’m not even 100% sure what I want. I have another year of classes left and then eight months of practicum/internship. I don’t think I am going to completely know what my future will look like until after that.

And I’m figuring out that I am pretty set in my ways. I have my routines and familiarity is comfortable to me. It’s funny because so many people tell me how strong I’ve been. Sometimes I wonder about that. I mean, I wasn’t able to go back to work. I know so many widows who didn’t have that option. I’m grateful that it worked out but I do question my strength. And a little part of me worries that I will fail at counseling. I think it’s probably ok to be a little nervous about it but I do hope I made the right choice.

I still feel overwhelmed at times and that’s when I fall back on my routines. Most people around me know that homework is due every Saturday, Monday, and a big assignment on Wednesday. Sometimes life throws a wrench in those plans and I get cranky and stressed. So I realize that maybe this wasn’t the best time to be in a relationship. And probably I should just focus on school for now. I don’t know. Sometimes things aren’t meant to be but it sucks to hurt someone you care about. Right now I’m really sad about that.

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I miss my “person”

Since losing Patrick I’ve kind of been on a crusade to make grief and mourning a less taboo subject. Talking about a loved one dying seems to help ease the pain. I really believe this. So why do I sometimes feel that I can’t?

There are unwritten rules in our society that tell us we should get over it and move on within some unclear amount of time. I’ve heard that people have actually made comments about this to grieving people. Thankfully no one has ever said anything like that to me but I do it to myself!!!

I have been so obsessed with this whole dating thing and I think it’s been a way to redirect my grief. To be clear, I am not dating to “replace” Patrick. He’s irreplaceable! Any new relationship will be a completely new chapter.

I do think I can replace the intimate connection that I lost. And I’m not talking about sex. What I miss more than anything is having that one person that you can talk to about anything. I have thought about this a lot because I have a lot of friends and family who care about me. My loved ones would do anything to help me and they would love to be able to fill this void. So I want to be clear that this is not something I could get from a parent, sibling, child, or friend.

If I had to, I know I could survive without having this again. I hope I don’t have to, but I do think I could have a good life without it. Many people do. I just prefer not to be alone.

The other thing I have been doing is trying to convince myself and potential partners that I am mostly done grieving. I have this idea that men might think a widow sits around crying a lot that is probably not something they would want to sign up for. It’s such a hard sell!

I think I just need to be me and quit worrying about it. Yes, I lost my husband. Yes, I am sad about it, some days more than others. Most days I still can’t believe he is gone. But I still have fun. I smile, I laugh, I LIVE. I’m just going to focus on that for a while.

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It’s ok to not be ok

Tonight I went to a town hall meeting on Teenage Suicide Prevention. I went primarily because my sister, Dawan, was part of the panel but also because I am interested in learning more about suicide prevention. What surprised me the most was that the people who had the most to say, and made the biggest impact, were not mental health clinicians. All five people on the panel participate in Fresno Cares, the Fresno County Suicide Prevention Collaborative. They were all passionate people who are definitely making a difference in our community yet only one of them had a mental health related degree. They all had passion, heart, and the desire to make a difference. I was particularly impressed by Jordan, a student panelist from Clovis West. She was a very eloquent speaker!

They talked about resources available and things you can do to help prevention efforts. One of the biggest things was to make it an easier topic to discuss so teens are comfortable approaching someone for help. I have been very open about my struggles with depression so I am definitely an advocate for that. But I realized there is no way I would have ever told anyone if I was having suicidal thoughts because I wouldn’t want to freak them out. And I have never seriously contemplated suicide but I have definitely had times when it has been on my radar.

When I was 17 I had my first major heartbreak when I was dumped by my boyfriend. I was raised to believe that premarital sex was wrong but nevertheless it had happened. And then he dumped me. I thought I was going to die. I was living with my mom at the time and, sorry Mom, but it just wasn’t a conversation I could have with you while living with you. I talked to my cousin Casie and that helped and I also called my dad, who immediately drove over from the coast to meet me at a coffee shop. I couldn’t tell you exactly what was discussed but I’m sure he conveyed his unconditional love, which was the same thing my mom would have done. I reached out and the people I reached out to were available for me.

It’s not always comfortable talking to the logical people who are right there beside you. So, if you are a parent, make sure your kids understand that 1) they have your unconditional love and 2) it’s okay if they need to talk to someone else. My girls know that if there is anything too awkward to discuss with Mom, they can talk to Aunt Denise or any of their other aunts.

After Patrick died, suicide was definitely on my radar. I couldn’t contemplate going on without him. But I knew I had to make a plan to get through this because there was no way my kids were losing another parent. I didn’t seriously consider suicide because my life had meaning and purpose. I was determined to honor Patrick’s memory and to continue being there for my daughters. I never discussed this with anyone because it was never really a serious thought. Plus, I had a ton of people supporting me and still do. I knew I mattered to them and that also gave me purpose.

My point in sharing all of this uncomfortable information is that we need to destigmatize mental health and suicide. People need to be comfortable asking for help. I have always been fortunate to have a large, supportive family. For those who don’t, there are people in this community who have made it their life’s work to help others. You are never alone!

Huge shout out to my sister, Dawan Utecht, who is making a tremendous difference in our community as the head of Fresno County Behavioral Health!

Please join the conversation by sharing your own personal struggles in the comments here on WordPress or on my Facebook page!

If you or someone in your life needs someone to talk to, there are resources available.

Suicide Prevention Lifeline

1-800-273-8255

Suicide is Preventable Resources

National Alliance on Mental Illness – Fresno Resources and advocacy

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Gone Too Soon 💔

I have said it so many times. Life is precious. Don’t ever take it for granted. Tell the people you care about how much they mean to you. Often. And if you’re thinking about reaching out to someone, do it!

My current class is Human Growth & Development. During the second week we were studying attachment theory and the importance of infants bonding with their primary caregiver(s). One of our discussion questions talked about children being in daycare and we had to research whether or not it was detrimental for infants to be in daycare.

Every parent struggles with this. As new parents you worry about every little sound your child makes and you want to protect them from the world. The research shows that children can do well in daycare as long as they develop a relationship of love and trust with the caregiver.

Patrick and I were so fortunate to find someone like this. My mother met Jan at church. She and her daughter Kim ran a daycare out of their home. We met with them while I was pregnant and we knew Sierra would be in good hands. At eight weeks old I dropped her off with Nanny and Kimmie and they watched her until she turned four. Camille joined her when she was born and stayed there for 18 months or so.

I spent very little time worrying about the girls being in daycare. I knew that they were not just taken care of, they were loved. Sierra stayed with Nanny and Kimmie the night before Camille was born and they may have even brought her to the hospital to meet her sister.

When we moved Camille to preschool, Dawan offered Kimmie a position as her in home nanny. We were sad to leave but very excited that we would still see Kim. She has been a part of our family since then, over 21 years total!

I remembered all of this as I wrote my discussion post on February 26th. I was so happy getting affirmation that I had been ok to leave them there. I thought to myself that I really should tell them how grateful I was. I definitely planned to do that!

The very next night Dawan texted us to say that Kimmie had a medical emergency and was unable to be revived. She died suddenly at the age of 43. I was in shock that yet another person I know is gone before their time.

Today we went to her Celebration of Life and it was amazing how many people she had touched! She was just one of those happy people that everyone loved. And I know she knew she was appreciated by Dawan and our entire family. My heart is broken for her mom, her sister Suzanne, her dad and her 4-yr-old daughter, Bella, whom she adopted. I know she is in a better place but everyone wishes it didn’t have to be so soon!

So, hug the people you love, do a kind deed, let people know you appreciate them. Life is short.

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Dear newly widowed

I met a new widow yesterday. Our daughters went to school together and I had heard of her husband’s passing. We happened to be in the same place so I introduced myself.

It’s heartbreaking meeting people who have just lost a spouse. I know a bit about the journey they have ahead of them. I also know that there is nothing anyone can do to take away the pain. I gave her a hug and my phone number and it seemed inadequate. Here is what I would have liked to have told her.

Dear newly widowed – I am so very sorry that you are joining this club. None of us want to be here but we try to stick together. I remember when I was in your place. I was in shock and I didn’t think I would ever recover. I really wish that I could offer you some special words of comfort and magically take your pain away. I won’t pretend to have that kind of power.

Most people will not know what to do for you. Some of them will unintentionally add to your pain. I truly believe that most people have good intentions but they just don’t know what to do. When you think about it, it’s kind of surprising that death is still such a strange and uncomfortable topic. We will all die someday but it is sad to think about losing someone. Most people like to think you just say goodbye and move on. Unlike those people, you and I know what it is like to lose the person closest to you, the one who knew you like no other.

I’m going to be honest, your journey is going to get harder before it gets better. I wish that weren’t the case but you are in shock right now. When that wears off you will feel your loss even more. This is normal. Give yourself a break and just allow some time to grieve. Don’t let anyone give you rules or a timeframe. We all handle it differently and there is no right or wrong way to grieve.

I do believe that our loved ones would want us to move forward and live the best life possible. It’s hard to imagine doing that without them but I’m trying to make my life meaningful as a tribute to the love we shared. You will find what works for you.

I can’t promise that the pain will go away but, for me at least, it has become more bearable. I still think of him everyday but it’s usually a happy thought.

Remember that you are never alone. If you don’t have family or close friends there are a variety of grief groups as well as online support groups and a lot of people who understand.

I’m so very sorry that we are meeting under these conditions but I promise to be here if you ever need me.

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This drug is bad!

Prior to Patrick’s death, methamphetamine was something I rarely thought about. I knew that thanks to all of the meth heads we now have to wait in line at the pharmacy to get the really good decongestants. That is about the only impact it had on my life. Then, on that day, it suddenly became a regular intruder into my thoughts and life. And every time someone mentions it, I think, “Meth killed my husband!” I don’t say that out loud because it would probably make him sound like a drug addict! The man would not even take an aspirin!

The further along I get in my counseling education, the more I realize that meth is going to be ever-present in my life. It’s just that big of an issue. And even though I told myself I would never work in substance abuse, I think that God has different plans for me.

Tonight was my third night of training for Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA). I thought I would be advocating for kids from abusive situations. I definitely will be but the majority of the cases will more than likely have a connection to drug abuse. And meth appears to be the drug of choice. Parents who become addicted to it are more than likely going to end up doing something that causes their children to be removed from their home.

I have become a fairly unemotional observer of life. I can’t let a lot of feelings out at once. But tonight, listening to stories of how meth caused so much heartache in families, I did shed a few tears. Can I just say that it is incredibly unfair that my husband, who never touched illegal drugs, was killed as a result of another person’s meth use?

I think that I’m going to hear meth mentioned over and over again. I don’t want to become immune to emotional reactions when I hear it. I want to take that pain and channel it into something positive. I am trusting that I will eventually know what that is.

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Trauma

Traumatic experiences never really leave you. I tend to downplay this since it’s not a pleasant topic. I survive by filing it away and controlling the amount of time I spend thinking about it. Usually this works.

My class assignment this week was on Crisis Counseling. Almost every week I have to write a research paper. I have to find references to support what I write about. Sometimes this is easy and other times it’s like pulling teeth. Last week I found 10-15 articles to pull from. This week I had the bare minimum of 3.

Sometimes I will find articles that aren’t relevant to my current assignment but I save them for future reference. I am interested in grief and trauma counseling so I have saved a lot of those. This week I found one on a program in Washington DC that provides crisis support and bereavement counseling for families who arrive at the morgue to identify someone who died suddenly from homicide, suicide, or accidents. This sounded similar to the Village of Support concept that I have talked about so I was eager to read it.

To clarify, I did not have to identify Patrick and did not see him until the funeral home had prepared him for viewing. I didn’t go through the process discussed in the article but as I read it, I still found myself back in that viewing room at the funeral home with my legs crumbling beneath me. I’ve told this story before. I realize I did not have to see him. This is a deeply personal decision, and for me, it was important to have that closure.

I was escorted into the room and I honestly can’t remember who was with me. I know it was one or all of my siblings. My Dad followed and as I sank to the floor he was suddenly there to hold me up. For some reason all I could say was, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry”. I was telling Patrick that I was sorry that this happened to him but I know it was also an expression of my grief. They had him on a table, and this was somehow easier than seeing him in the casket. His skin felt soft, yet cold. His wedding band had a scrape on it when it was returned to me so I had to check his hand and there was an injury but it didn’t look bad. He looked peaceful but it wasn’t him. He had never looked like that in life. I knew he was gone.

There were many moments of trauma that I relive. The moment I saw the breaking news alert with the words fatal and bicycle jumping out at me. The phone call to tell Sierra. Being handed his watch and wedding band. Seeing him at the funeral home, then taking the girls in to see him (their choice). These memories aren’t endless, and they pop up less frequently now, but usually I’m caught a little off guard.

Yesterday, I was headed to an early morning appointment with my counselor. I got to Shaw and Locan, and BOOM, it was that day again. I wished i could go back to that exact moment, when I thought I was driving to find my husband walking his bike with a flat tire. One of the last moments before my life changed.

Today, as part of my interview to become a court appointed special advocate for foster children, I had to describe a traumatic experience and how I had gotten through it. The interviewer was aware of my background and made it clear that I didn’t need to discuss that experience. The thing is, I’m okay talking about it and it gets easier every time. I was able to recount all of the love and support I had that day and explain that my gratitude for that is the reason I am doing many of the things I am doing with my life.

Tonight, I read a comment from a widow/widower forum. A widower explained that a friend told him he needed to tell the story of his wife’s death more than 300 times. This suggestion came from a book by Kathryn Mannix, titled With the End in Mind. The author explains this by saying;

Bereaved people, even those who have witnessed the apparently peaceful death of a loved one, often need to tell their story repeatedly, and that is an important part of transferring the experience they endured into a memory, instead of reliving it like a parallel reality every time they think about it.

We need to be more comfortable talking about death. We will all lose someone and we will all die. It’s okay to acknowledge that. Tell your story, listen to mine. Each time it will get a little easier.

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If I’m being honest…

Since Patrick died I have frequently been told how strong I am. I was always puzzled by this because I’ve never felt particularly strong. Recently I’ve been looking at it from a different angle and I think that I haven’t been completely honest.

I have always had a need for people around me to be happy and free from conflicts. Family tensions upset me so I’ve always been the peacemaker when needed. Grief is uncomfortable and awkward. I don’t like making people uncomfortable or sad. So I’ve probably suppressed some of my feelings. I’m not saying that I have all these feelings stuck inside, I do allow them to come out occasionally. But it is on my terms and usually when I’m alone.

I don’t know if the way I handle grief is good, bad, or normal. It’s just what I do and what has worked for me. Lately I’ve been trying to figure out why it works because there seem to be a lot of people who haven’t found a good way of dealing with their grief. I’m not saying that is bad. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. I just don’t like people to be sad and I always want to cheer them up.

This is particularly noticeable in a Facebook group I belong to. People are at all different stages of grief and sometimes they are very fragile. I kind of tend to visit the group, not so much for comfort, but to provide hope that it does get a little easier. There are other people who play this role too. We try to get people to focus on the little things that make them happy and encourage them to look for joy.

If you want to sit home and cry I can’t stop you and I won’t judge you. I’ve been there. If you feel grief or sadness begin to consume you, do something about it. Do something you enjoy. Go for a walk. Read a book. Call a friend. Do something for someone else. You are always going to miss your loved one. I like to think that they don’t want our lives to end with theirs. Try to find joy and happiness. If you always try, eventually it will just find you.

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A Bit More Closure

Today was the final court appearance regarding the collision that caused Patrick’s death. The defendant completed the diversion program with negative drug tests. He did everything that was required, so he was released. We don’t have to like it. We don’t have to agree that it was adequate. I am relieved that it is over. I chose not to attend. I am grateful that my brother Denny and sister Dawan agreed to be there to represent Patrick. I know it was hard for them. I am also grateful that Denny wrote an eloquent letter for the judge. We know it didn’t make a difference but we just wanted it on the record.

I will move forward knowing that I will not be getting any more calls updating me on the case. No matter how much progress I make, those always had a way of pulling me back so it does bring me a measure of peace to put this behind us.

Here is a link to the post about the sentencing hearing that occurred in February.

https://www.danellt9.com/2017/02/16/a-bit-of-closure-2-16-17/

Denny’s Letter

The Honorable Ralph Nunez

Fresno County Superior Court

Judge Nunez,

We understand that today you will decide whether the defendant has successfully completed his sentence of a court-ordered drug diversion program in the case that stemmed from the death of Patrick John teNyenhuis.

As a family, we have mixed feelings of the news that the defendant may be released.

Justice for Patrick has been hard to find in this case, not through any errors of the court, but for the simple and terrible truth that as a society we don’t have an adequate punishment when the selfish act of one person costs another his life.

This was not an accidental death. The defendant made a series of choices and committed a series of deliberate acts that ended Patrick’s life. No punishment for the defendant can change what he has done, or give us back what he took from us.

Our best hope is that if the defendant is released from his treatment today, he never harms another family as he harmed ours.

With that hope in mind, we ask that you read him this letter, and this plea from us.

“You have been given something that you took from Patrick, from his wife, from his children and from his family. You have been given a chance for a better future. A better future for you, a better future for your children, and a better future for anyone else you would harm if you don’t change your life. We ask that you take the lessons you have learned and remake yourself. You owe that to us. You owe that to Patrick. You owe that to your children. Don’t waste this chance.”

Our combined families wish to thank the Fresno County District Attorney, as well as you and the rest of the staff at the Fresno County Superior Court for your assistance and compassion during this sad time for our families.

Thank you,

The teNyenhuis, Prandini and Boyles families.

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Aftershock

Last night I was working on adding old blog entries and for some reason I didn’t finish the one I was working on, “Facade”, so I added it tonight. The next one is the post about the arrest and I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to move that one over. That part has been buried in my memory and I didn’t see any need to dredge it up. Camille got home last night and I was happy to have both my girls home.

Today we went to see the new Star Wars movie. On the way there I got a phone call from a number that I didn’t recognize but looked familiar. I answered and it was the Assistant DA who handled the case. He wanted to update me. Mr. Stubbs, the man who hit and killed Patrick, has been in a residential program. He has a hearing coming up. He has fully complied with the program and his drug tests have all been negative. More than likely he will be released next week and will be home to spend Christmas with his family.

As a future Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor I am hopeful that treatment works. As a human being I am happy that his children might see their father for Christmas. As a Mom…and a widow…. my heart breaks.

Here’s the thing, nothing is going to bring Patrick back. And I have said all along that the only amends Mr. Stubbs could make would be to be a better person. Locking him up would not have changed anything.

As my whole world has changed, and I have been continuing my education, I’m a different person. I believe there needs to be law and order in society. I believe that Mr. Stubbs made poor choices in his life that led to my husband’s death. But I don’t believe he is a murderer. And I do believe that our society has a serious problem with drug and alcohol addiction. And punishment does not cure addiction.

I have so many conflicting emotions right now. I would love more than anything to just wipe this whole part from my memory. My brother told me today that I was stronger than him and I’m not sure that is true. I just file away all those feelings that I don’t want to deal with. I function pretty well. And I am truly happy most of the time. But you can’t avoid the aftershocks.

I’m allowing myself a few tears tonight. I don’t think I will go to the hearing. My presence will not change anything. I’ve already said what I needed to say. I’m going to focus on my girls, Christmas, and moving forward with my life. I truly hope he has learned something from this and will dedicate his life to doing something positive. But I’m going to follow the advice my brother gave me today, “I wouldn’t give him any more free rent in your head. He’s either going to change or go to jail, we can’t choose.”