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Graduation Day

The day Patrick died I was overwhelmed with the love and support that I received. As the days went by I was amazed by the lives he had touched and the people who were profoundly affected by his death. At the time I couldn’t imagine a world without Patrick but I also couldn’t imagine getting through this if I didn’t have my people.

My people, each and every one of you! You helped me through this and inspired me to make something positive out of so much sadness. I had never planned to return to school, it wasn’t even on my radar. Suddenly the pieces began falling in place and I was enrolled in the Professional Clinical Counseling program (online) at Grand Canyon University. I didn’t think it would take me nearly four years to get my masters but I did it at the pace that was right for me.

Today I was supposed to attend commencement in Phoenix, Arizona. And, like all the other significant events right now, it has been postponed. I’m not going to let that stop me from celebrating so I put on my regalia and Sierra played Pomp & Circumstance on her phone while taking pictures. Someday our lives will get back to normal. For now I’m happy to have something to celebrate!

Thank you to all my family and friends who supported me, loved me, and believed in me!

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The Infamous Flip-Phone

I now have the infamous flip phone and it works. I was bracing myself not to be disappointed if it didn’t but I charged it for a few hours and it worked!

I don’t know why but it has always been very helpful to me to have details of those last few days. Many people had shared their final texts with him so I didn’t think there would be any surprises. Still, I was hoping there might be something.

I wanted to know what the last texts and calls sent and received were. The last text exchange was between he and I on Monday, April 18th. They were normal texts about him dropping the bus off and me picking him up. The last call he received was later that day when Burnett’s Auto Repair called to tell him what was wrong with the bus. The next day he called me a little after 5:00. I don’t remember exactly what that call was about. And, of course, there was a missed call from me on the morning of the 20th, when I was looking for him.

There were no voice mails because he went through a lot of trouble to turn off that feature. In typical stubborn Patrick fashion he decided that he didn’t want to get voice mails. I’m sure he had a very long explanation for why and I know I knew it at one time but the memory has faded. Those of you who knew him can probably imagine that it was equal parts logical and ridiculous! All I know is that his boss and employees were probably very annoyed about not being able to leave a message!

I looked through the pictures and they were a pretty good summary of things that were important to him. I apologize for the poor quality of the pictures. I’m still trying to figure out how to get them off the phone so, for now, I only have pictures of pictures.

There were a few pictures of me.

A lot of pictures of the girls…

Sierra’s eye was bothering her and he thought she looked like a pirate.
Fishing with Camille

The girls on his 49th birthday, right before the Paul McCartney concert.

I will put the rest of the pictures at the end of this post. I also found quite a few texts in his “drafts” folder. Here is one that he was possibly planning to send out, it’s exactly the kind of gem I was looking for!!!

“Hey it’s Patrick. If you don’t know who I am please disregard this message as it’s going out to my entire address book. After much soul searching I have decided to abandon my cell phone as it has not substantially improved the quality of my life. Just another inconvenience. Anyway if you need to contact me call my wife, she loves her phone more than she could ever love any man and knows how to find me. Peace out.”

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Why would I need a smart phone?

If you knew Patrick, you know that he never wanted to be trendy. Sometimes it seemed like he was against something just to have something to debate about. He always claimed to hate his cell phone and regularly threatened to get rid of it.

I can’t remember exactly when he got his first cell phone but I’m pretty sure I bought it when he was taking the bus on a road trip. Breaking down was always a possibility and I wanted him to be able to call for help. I’m kind of amazed that I ever got him to carry it!

He really didn’t like to talk on the phone that much, unless it was to annoy a telemarketer or catch up with a relative or old friend. He constantly threatened to get rid of that phone and I told him I would just buy another one. He liked to keep them as long as possible. I always wanted him to upgrade so he could do things like take pictures and also just to make it easier to text.

Once, he went fishing at Shaver and he put his phone in his pocket. He stood up on the boat for something and the phone dropped into the lake, never to be seen again. He texted or called me from Dina’s phone to let me know what had happened. I loaded the girls up and headed to the phone store for a replacement. I knew if I waited for him he would refuse to get one!

His final phone was a flip phone. It was out of style when he got it. We liked to tease him about it and he would act offended. Then he would start in on all the reasons his phone was actually better. I’m sure he had a lot of reasons but I remember that being cheaper was one of them. Also, he bragged about how small his phone was.

Of course, if he ever wanted to know any trivia or obscure information he would say, “What are you waiting for, someone look that up”. And I would tell him he should get his own smart phone. His response? Why would I need a smart phone? I already pay for three of them!

Ironically I think he would have really enjoyed the features on a smart phone. He would have liked taking pictures and he probably would have enjoyed having better quality pictures of the girls on his phone to show people. And he definitely would have appreciated the easier texting. I used to laugh as he struggled through typing a long text. One time we were talking about sending a message to Sierra. So he starts the painstaking process of hitting each key multiple times. I couldn’t help it, I gave him a fairly long head start…then I picked up my iPhone, spoke the message into it, and hit send before he could finish. He wasn’t amused, lol.

He liked to tell everyone how awesome his phone was. He extolled the virtues of the flip phone and the fact that it folded up so small. The phone DID have internet access but the screen was so small, I’m not sure how easy it would have been to use.

The phone’s most useful feature, according to Patrick, was something that he liked to demonstrate, usually while sitting in a restaurant. He would proudly state, “How many of you can put your entire phone in your mouth?” And then he would proceed to demonstrate.

Camille was the first to point out that he made it his entire life without getting a smart phone. He would be really proud of that.

I’ve been wondering about the flip phone for two years. I knew it was evidence in the case but I never wanted to ask about it. I finally got it back in July. I plugged it in to charge, not sure if it would work but I could tell it was charging right away.

After a few hours I was able to spend some time looking through it. It was a bit of a challenge after using an iPhone for so many years. I was surprised that it had Bluetooth in addition to internet access when he used it. I turned off the service after he died so I can’t access that now. There were also several pictures of the girls and some probably don’t exist anywhere else. At some point I will take the SIM card in to see if there is a way to get the pictures off of it. In my next post I will tell you more about what I found on the phone. As I had hoped and expected, there were some gems. 😊

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First Day of School

Today was the first day of school for Clovis Unified. I watched as all my friends posted pictures. I never did the cutesy pictures. I wasn’t that organized! Seeing all of the pictures today reminded me of all of the first days and how much fun it was to watch the girls grow into young ladies. I’m glad that Patrick was there for most of that journey.

This is actually the most momentous first day of school yet for our household! Today Sierra started her first day of law school at Loyola Law in Los Angeles! We actually moved her a week ago since she had orientation last week. Then she came home this last weekend and it will be the last time for a while I’m sure.

She already had homework even before classes officially started today. I can already see a change in her. She left to go back before noon yesterday so she could do homework. She used to leave at 6:00 or 7:00 to go back to Long Beach!

Patrick would be so proud of her! She’s always been a good student but she has shown tremendous resiliency in the last two plus years. I’m happy that they both developed their father’s focus when it comes to school work. I did okay but I have to say their grades more closely resemble his.

My current class is on crisis and trauma. Today I read an interesting passage in my textbook, Crisis Assessment, Intervention, and Prevention. The authors, Lisa Jackson-Cherry and Bradley Erford, said “Successfully dealing with adversity often results in an outcome that is better than one that might have been reached without the adversity”. It seems odd to say that my girls are doing better because of Patrick’s death but I think they have each found their own way of dealing with adversity and in getting through this, they have become stronger. I believe that they consciously made this decision and are not only merely doing it because it’s what is expected. I am proud to call them my daughters!!!!

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Visual reminder

I still reach for my ring, or the spot where it used to be. I rarely took my ring off. I was always afraid that I would lose it. And I would frequently touch it, sometimes unconsciously. I never really put too much thought into why I did that. Now I realize that it was a source of comfort. I miss that.

After 18 months or so I’m surprised that it still looks like I just took it off. If you look closely at the picture below you can probably see the indentation in my finger. It’s more noticeable from some angles. I’m kind of glad that my body refuses to erase this evidence!

I know I haven’t written as much lately. There are many reasons. We spent a week in Nebraska and I started a post there and never finished it. School has been a little busy for me. I doubled up on classes for a few weeks and it just seems like I’m spending more time on it. I kind of make myself crazy. I’ll pull up 25 different articles and then have information overload! I always get it done though. I’ll finish my current class in a week and then I’m taking two weeks off!

The main reason I haven’t written? The brief relationship I had really made it hard for me to write. There’s just some things that I can’t write about. And I’m really torn because I keep meeting guys and becoming friends on Facebook with some of them. So I worry about putting things on here that might scare someone away or hurt someone’s feelings. But the whole point of this blog is to be real and share what I go through. I guess I just need to figure it out.

It just occurred to me that maybe I need to meet someone who shuns social media like Patrick did! And as soon as I thought that I could almost hear him laughing since this kind of situation would prove his point about not being on social media! Too funny!

What I will say is that dating at 50 is different than dating at 18 in SO MANY ways. At 18 you have the rest of your adult life ahead of you. I was looking for someone who wanted the same things in life, someone I could raise children with. Now, it’s just different. There are things that matter less and things that matter more. And it’s a little more practical in some respects. It seems like just enjoying spending time with someone would be enough, but there’s a lot to consider. I guess I could sum it up by saying that Patrick and I created our future together. My future is now changed but some of it is still there. And the men I date probably have their future planned out. So you have to find a way to merge those rather than starting from scratch. I’m not sure if that makes sense but that’s the best way I can think of to explain it. And it’s a lot harder than I thought it would be!

So, I still need to write about Nebraska and also Patrick’s phone. Plus there’s a lot more coming up. Stay tuned…

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Music to my heart

The whole online dating thing just about made me crazy! I really thought I was going to need lessons! I will confess that I read multiple books. Books about how to write the perfect dating profile. Books about how to text men. Books about dating men from Mars. I was obsessed!!! I obsessed over pictures and I spent a lot of time deciding on the list of attributes, hobbies, etc. that I was looking for. Guess what? None of that really matters.

I haven’t posted in a while because I met a guy. And I don’t want to jinx things. No one has met him yet but that will happen soon enough.

I knew I was going to like him when he started sending me YouTube videos of music that I love! A lot of them! 🙂 And, I don’t have to agonize over how to communicate! I really didn’t need any of those books to meet him and get to know him. Sometimes it’s just that easy.

Dating someone is more of an adjustment than I thought it would be. It’s a good kind of adjustment but in a way, it’s kind of an identity adjustment. I was a wife, then a widow, and now a girlfriend. But I will always be a widow. And that’s a little hard to reconcile. You want to be sensitive but at the same time, Patrick will always be a part of me. My guy understands that. He’s read parts of my blog and one of the first things he said was that he was happy to be a part of my life after Patrick.

A few days ago I wore my special necklace that says “a piece of my heart is in heaven”. I debated whether or not I should but I finally decided, I’ve gotta be me. I really didn’t think he would even notice. But he did notice and then he said, “Awwwww” and gave me a hug.

So I haven’t spent as much time writing lately but I’m definitely not done writing. I really wanted to check in and let you know that I am doing well and I am happier than I’ve been in a while. 🙂

And here’s what he sent me today… Crazy for You by Madonna💖💖💖

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Two Years (and a few days)

I wanted to write something to mark the two years that have passed. At first I had no words. Then I started and never finished.

We had a great weekend in Davis at Picnic Days and on the 20th we were happy and together. I took a few pictures over the weekend that I wanted to share. We were walking around Friday and one of the first things I noticed was the Phi Delta Theta house. When I saw a second sign, I made everyone walk back so I could take a picture of the house! Lol

The second thing I noticed was a book. Patrick used to always tease us by saying, “You suck!” But he always followed it with “love ya”. I had no idea there was a book with that title!

Then I thought it would be cool if we saw a street musician. I saw a guy standing with a guitar but it seemed like it would be too posed. So the first actual street musician I saw was the banjo player, and I thought that was perfect!

https://www.danellt9.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/img_1448.mov

The next day I noticed exactly one fraternity in the parade, and of course, it was Phi Delta Theta.

Here are a few other pictures followed by my reflections on the two year mark. I got to see my girl playing intramural volleyball and soccer. He would have enjoyed that!

I can still remember waking up that morning to silence. Silence, then surprise that I did not hear him in the shower or moving around downstairs. Concern, but not panic. I had no idea. It’s so odd thinking about the moments before your world changed, and the moments after. Before. After.

My life with Patrick before that day was so much longer than the two years that have passed since then. Maybe that’s why it seems like such a small amount of time. Just a fraction of my life. What will it be like if i live another 30 years or more? I think it will still seem like it’s been forever yet just yesterday when I saw him last.

The second year was harder in some ways, easier in others. The fog lifted and reality set in. I missed having my person but I spent less time crying and made more memories with the girls. He missed awards and honors, two graduations, and multiple college acceptance letters. The girls are truly his legacy and I know he is beaming with pride. I also ventured out into the dating world and have opened up my world to the possibility of sharing my life with someone else.

I would love to not carry this grief around with me. But I don’t regret loving him. I would do it again, even knowing the tragic outcome. I have loved with every ounce of my being. Rest In Peace my wonderful husband. You made my life complete and your memory continues to enrich it.

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Dear newly widowed

I met a new widow yesterday. Our daughters went to school together and I had heard of her husband’s passing. We happened to be in the same place so I introduced myself.

It’s heartbreaking meeting people who have just lost a spouse. I know a bit about the journey they have ahead of them. I also know that there is nothing anyone can do to take away the pain. I gave her a hug and my phone number and it seemed inadequate. Here is what I would have liked to have told her.

Dear newly widowed – I am so very sorry that you are joining this club. None of us want to be here but we try to stick together. I remember when I was in your place. I was in shock and I didn’t think I would ever recover. I really wish that I could offer you some special words of comfort and magically take your pain away. I won’t pretend to have that kind of power.

Most people will not know what to do for you. Some of them will unintentionally add to your pain. I truly believe that most people have good intentions but they just don’t know what to do. When you think about it, it’s kind of surprising that death is still such a strange and uncomfortable topic. We will all die someday but it is sad to think about losing someone. Most people like to think you just say goodbye and move on. Unlike those people, you and I know what it is like to lose the person closest to you, the one who knew you like no other.

I’m going to be honest, your journey is going to get harder before it gets better. I wish that weren’t the case but you are in shock right now. When that wears off you will feel your loss even more. This is normal. Give yourself a break and just allow some time to grieve. Don’t let anyone give you rules or a timeframe. We all handle it differently and there is no right or wrong way to grieve.

I do believe that our loved ones would want us to move forward and live the best life possible. It’s hard to imagine doing that without them but I’m trying to make my life meaningful as a tribute to the love we shared. You will find what works for you.

I can’t promise that the pain will go away but, for me at least, it has become more bearable. I still think of him everyday but it’s usually a happy thought.

Remember that you are never alone. If you don’t have family or close friends there are a variety of grief groups as well as online support groups and a lot of people who understand.

I’m so very sorry that we are meeting under these conditions but I promise to be here if you ever need me.

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Trauma

Traumatic experiences never really leave you. I tend to downplay this since it’s not a pleasant topic. I survive by filing it away and controlling the amount of time I spend thinking about it. Usually this works.

My class assignment this week was on Crisis Counseling. Almost every week I have to write a research paper. I have to find references to support what I write about. Sometimes this is easy and other times it’s like pulling teeth. Last week I found 10-15 articles to pull from. This week I had the bare minimum of 3.

Sometimes I will find articles that aren’t relevant to my current assignment but I save them for future reference. I am interested in grief and trauma counseling so I have saved a lot of those. This week I found one on a program in Washington DC that provides crisis support and bereavement counseling for families who arrive at the morgue to identify someone who died suddenly from homicide, suicide, or accidents. This sounded similar to the Village of Support concept that I have talked about so I was eager to read it.

To clarify, I did not have to identify Patrick and did not see him until the funeral home had prepared him for viewing. I didn’t go through the process discussed in the article but as I read it, I still found myself back in that viewing room at the funeral home with my legs crumbling beneath me. I’ve told this story before. I realize I did not have to see him. This is a deeply personal decision, and for me, it was important to have that closure.

I was escorted into the room and I honestly can’t remember who was with me. I know it was one or all of my siblings. My Dad followed and as I sank to the floor he was suddenly there to hold me up. For some reason all I could say was, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry”. I was telling Patrick that I was sorry that this happened to him but I know it was also an expression of my grief. They had him on a table, and this was somehow easier than seeing him in the casket. His skin felt soft, yet cold. His wedding band had a scrape on it when it was returned to me so I had to check his hand and there was an injury but it didn’t look bad. He looked peaceful but it wasn’t him. He had never looked like that in life. I knew he was gone.

There were many moments of trauma that I relive. The moment I saw the breaking news alert with the words fatal and bicycle jumping out at me. The phone call to tell Sierra. Being handed his watch and wedding band. Seeing him at the funeral home, then taking the girls in to see him (their choice). These memories aren’t endless, and they pop up less frequently now, but usually I’m caught a little off guard.

Yesterday, I was headed to an early morning appointment with my counselor. I got to Shaw and Locan, and BOOM, it was that day again. I wished i could go back to that exact moment, when I thought I was driving to find my husband walking his bike with a flat tire. One of the last moments before my life changed.

Today, as part of my interview to become a court appointed special advocate for foster children, I had to describe a traumatic experience and how I had gotten through it. The interviewer was aware of my background and made it clear that I didn’t need to discuss that experience. The thing is, I’m okay talking about it and it gets easier every time. I was able to recount all of the love and support I had that day and explain that my gratitude for that is the reason I am doing many of the things I am doing with my life.

Tonight, I read a comment from a widow/widower forum. A widower explained that a friend told him he needed to tell the story of his wife’s death more than 300 times. This suggestion came from a book by Kathryn Mannix, titled With the End in Mind. The author explains this by saying;

Bereaved people, even those who have witnessed the apparently peaceful death of a loved one, often need to tell their story repeatedly, and that is an important part of transferring the experience they endured into a memory, instead of reliving it like a parallel reality every time they think about it.

We need to be more comfortable talking about death. We will all lose someone and we will all die. It’s okay to acknowledge that. Tell your story, listen to mine. Each time it will get a little easier.

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Impatience

Dating sucks! It sucks because I can’t write about it! It sucks because I feel like I don’t know how to do it! But mainly it sucks because I shouldn’t have any reason to be dating! I did the dating thing. I chose well. I shouldn’t be alone.

I guess I’m having a pity party. And honestly I don’t really even have a reason to. I didn’t really have a bad experience or anything. I just feel like a teenager and it seems like this should be easier at age 50. I hate it so much that maybe I should just be single.

My word of 2017 is patience and I’m beginning to think I’m going to have to carry it in to 2018. Is that allowed? I wanted to find Mr. Right without having to play the ridiculous dating games. I don’t want to kiss a lot of frogs! I’m impatient!

At work we had to create a development plan every year. I never liked spending a lot of time on it because after a while my true goal was to have a dream job fall into my lap or to become independently wealthy and never have to work again. Who cares about developing at a job that you don’t want to be at anymore? So a lot of times I would carry goals forward. I always put time management on there because no matter who you are, there are always better ways to manage your time. So maybe I will have to carry patience into 2018 because I definitely haven’t learned it.

People who are dating at my age have more than likely spent some time being single. They may not want to be alone but a lot of them seem pretty set in their routine. And more than once i have wondered why some of them are even dating when they have difficulty finding time to actually spend with you. Maybe they are out dating other people?

When Patrick and I were dating we were always trying to find ways to spend time together. Most of the time we were in different cities. There were no cell phones, no email. It was snail mail or long distance phone calls. We did both. Maybe it is actually SO easy to stay in touch now that we take it for granted. And not just in dating. I know there are people I should reach out to more often. But reaching out takes no effort at all and I always plan to “do it tomorrow”. And then tomorrow I plan to do it the next day… Sometimes I send a text when I know a call would mean more. My point is that it is so easy to just assume someone will be there whenever you decide to contact them.

I don’t plan to be single forever. And I hate writing that because I truly am not advertising for a date! But I have to let some of my frustration out and this is how I do it. I guess I just thought the whole process would be easier.

I think I am just going stir crazy since I have somewhat limited mobility and I can’t drive. The good news is that I am getting out of the house for a few days and going to the happiest place on earth, where I will ride an electric scooter around, enjoy time with my daughter and friends and forget about the dating games! I will try to learn some patience but I hear the scooter will let me cut to the front of at least some of the rides, so yeah, instant gratification.

Ok, this pity party is over. Disneyland, here we come!