I am continuing to move my old blog entries – this is from August.
Today my brother and I were talking about which would be harder, a sudden, unexpected death like Patrick’s or a long illness and death. We agreed that they are both hard in different ways. I would definitely like to have a few more minutes, hours or days with Patrick. Basically I would take whatever I could get. But at the same time, I am eternally grateful that he did not suffer. And really there’s nothing I could have told him that he didn’t already know.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the unconditional love that we shared. We had a great life together but it wasn’t always easy. We went through several difficult periods and he always stuck by me no matter what. In 1994 I made the difficult decision to leave teaching after only four years. This was an extremely difficult decision and honestly it threw me into a deep depression. I know Patrick felt helpless but he supported my decision even though it resulted in a big reduction in income. He didn’t always know what to say but he always showed that he loved me.
This was not the only struggle. After Camille was born I had 7 years of chronic pain that we thought was back pain. I finally received a diagnosis and it turned out that my hip was the cause. I had a total hip replacement and he supported me through that. I remember that during the time when nothing seemed to be working he wrote me a letter telling me how frustrated that he was that we couldn’t find an answer. He promised that we would figure it out and get through it.
The next challenge came in 2007 when I told him that I thought I had a gambling problem. I waited until I knew I was ready to get help because once I told him I knew that I would need to stop. He again supported me through this. I slipped up once a few years ago when I was having a really difficult time at work. When I told him it was probably the biggest challenge our marriage faced. He was really disappointed in me. I asked him if he wanted me to leave. He said no and held me, crying, and I promised him that I would not gamble again. I think a lot of men would have thrown in the towel at this point but he just continued to love and support me.
Patrick was always very health conscious. Due to my hip injury and other issues, I have struggled with my weight and activity level. He always supported whatever diet or exercise program I was doing but he never criticized me. I know that he worried about my health. I can’t tell you how ironic it is that he took such good care of himself and actually died while doing that. Meanwhile I’m still here. So one of my goals is to become more active and take better care of myself. I know this would make him happy.
It is such a wonderful gift to have unconditional love. I appreciated it during our marriage and I appreciate it even more now. I have had to make a lot of decisions since his death. Some things he might have done differently but I know that he loves me no matter what. I feel that love and support even now and it helps tremendously. I don’t have any regrets because I know he wouldn’t want me to. And if I ever question whether or not I am making the right decision I just remember that he would not want me to agonize over it.
If I did have a few more minutes with him I would tell him that I will always love him and thank him for being a wonderful husband and father and really making all my dreams come true. And then I would ask him where he put the damn pipes!