Stages – 9/12/16
Originally posted 9/12/16
I’ve been thinking a lot about the stages of grief. I have experienced most of them but not in a neat orderly fashion. And, I am beginning to suspect that you never really get through any of them.
Although I didn’t realize it at the time I believe now that I was initially in shock. For a LONG time. When I think back on the initial days and weeks I almost feel like I am watching a scene from someone else’s life. I functioned at minimum capacity. I let others help me with the things I could not do. I was in pain but I really had not even begun to FEEL the loss. They say denial is one of the first stages. At the time I thought I was doing pretty good with that stage. I knew he was gone. The funny thing is that my mind is no longer in denial but my heart is. I seem to have these inner arguments with the mind stating the facts and the heart stating that it is JUST. NOT. POSSIBLE. I guess at some point they will come to some sort of agreement but right now my heart is definitely winning. So denial is an ongoing stage.
That day seems to run on an endless loop in my head. I study it and try to comprehend how I got through. If I start to feel happy my mind says “Wait, maybe you haven’t seen this movie?” And then the FACTS are laid out before me and I know he’s really gone. I’m not sharing this for sympathy or pity. I assume that most people who read this are hurting too. I’m sharing because I never imagined grief was like this.
I have experienced some anger. A little at the person who caused this. Mainly indifference to him because I just can’t waste any emotions on him right now. I have also been irrationally angry at Patrick. Why did he have to be so devoted to working out? How could he leave me? I do realize that this was not a choice he made. Mainly I am just mad at the Universe. He was too young to die.
The depression stage comes and goes.
This last week I’ve been very emotional. I have good days and bad days but I really missed him this week. It’s still hard to comprehend going through life without him. I had a very busy weekend and saw a lot of friends and family so that helped pull me back up. And while I was sad I let myself cry often. I think it’s good and I always feel a little better.
I think acceptance is kind of elusive. And really, why would you ever want to accept losing someone you love? Maybe it should be called resignation instead? I guess it is just going to take time to deal with all of the different emotions. I wish there was a shortcut through grief. Unfortunately you have to go through all of it in order to move forward. One step at a time.
All the things we accumulate – 9/5/16
I’ve been trying to do some organizing and de-cluttering. I feel that less clutter will help me feel better. We were both kind of pack rats. I think that comes from growing up without a lot of excess. Neither one of us wanted to get rid of something that we might potentially need at some point. Patrick pretended not to be but I found 10-15 pairs of used insoles in his shoe bin so the proof is there! So I’m trying to get rid of some of the non-essential stuff.
Sometimes it just seems like there is not a place for everything that I want to keep and this is the reason we had clutter to begin with. Ironically I now have some extra space for things if I wanted to use it. A dresser, a night stand, half of a closet…
Seriously though, I have not thrown out his tooth-brush. It’s funny how there are some things that are easy to let go of. I had no problem bidding farewell to the insoles. This weekend I cleaned out the bathroom cabinets and got rid of most of his various shaving creams, lotions, etc. His deodorant is in a sealed bag with a few T-shirts I pulled out of the laundry. I figured it would help preserve the familiar scent. But I can’t seem to let go of the toothbrush. There’s just something comforting about it being there.
His wallet still has $10 in it. I know that he won’t have an opportunity to spend it but I just didn’t want to take it. In typical Patrick style he didn’t carry a lot of cash. He probably wanted to be able to say he didn’t have cash to get me a Diet Pepsi! Lol. So I always made sure he had some in there.
And the clothes…I can’t imagine walking into my closet and not having them in there. I let several cousins and nephews pick out shirts to wear to the service and I let them keep them. This made it easier to let go. And we are planning to make quilts out of his t-shirts and flannels. I know why I am attached to those. He never willingly got rid of any t-shirt! You could find him in the yard on any given weekend in a stained t-shirt with some holes. He didn’t want to ruin any of his “good” shirts. The shirt he was wearing in the Blackbird video was a gift from my mom and I’m pretty sure we were not even married yet!! It also happened to be in the laundry basket so it’s in the sealed bag. I’m sure just about any of his friends or family could describe at least one of his shirts because he literally wore them over and over!
So I am finding other things to clear out, for now. Eventually it will be easier to let go of more but I know there is no timetable for this and even if there were, I don’t care, I’ll do it at my own pace. A little at a time. Grief is just not very good company. I let it visit occasionally since it’s the right thing to do. Then I think of something crazy Patrick did or said and grief vanishes for a while.
Gratitude 9/4/16
Yesterday I noticed the calendar on the side of my fridge out of the corner of my eye. Patrick liked to have it there to record important dates. I record everything on my phone and never use the calendar so I had a sneaking suspicion that it was probably on April and I was right. I thought that made perfect sense. In a lot of ways time stopped in April and it’s hard to move past what happened. On the other hand I have realized that I have a lot to be thankful for. I never want to say that anything good happened “because he died”. There is really nothing positive about the fact that he is gone. I guess a better way to put it is that in addition to all of the sadness, I’ve experienced a lot of good since he died.
I am extremely grateful for my family. The whole huge extended Boyles/Hatch/teNyenhuis/Prandini clan! I have 3 siblings and over 20 cousins. Patrick had 4 siblings and over 30 cousins! And they are all very close families. As you get older it is harder to keep track of everyone’s growing families and you just don’t spend as much time together. Now my immediate families have almost merged. Sierra and Camille used to have trouble keeping track of everyone. In the days immediately following the accident as we spent time with extended family they regularly quizzed me about how everyone fit in. Now they have a really good handle on it and have told me how much they enjoy seeing everyone more often. We have been having extended family get togethers on the first Friday of each month. Family was very important to Patrick and we all agree that he would be very happy that we are spending more time together.
The girls and I have also learned a lot about how Patrick spent his days at work. He was very well loved by patients and co-workers. I was particularly surprised at how many people “got” his crazy sense of humor. He did drive some of them crazy and I’ve enjoyed hearing those stories too! I could really commiserate with his office manager Jennifer who tried to keep him in line during the day since I wasn’t around to do it. We knew he was good at his job but I am so happy that my girls now have so much evidence of that.
Sierra, Camille and I have discovered inner strength that we didn’t know we had. Camille was a rock and went back to school the week after the service. She finished her school year by excelling at her AP tests and doing extremely well on the SAT. Basically she did exactly what her dad would have done. Sierra became my protector and sounding board. In the week after the service we went back to Long Beach to move her home. While there she interviewed for a spot on the Moot Court team and was selected. The CSULB team is very successful and she will get to travel with them to tournaments, including one here in Fresno. This will help her as she prepares to apply to law school.
I have found an increased sense of confidence. For years I have felt that I failed at teaching and didn’t always feel I had purpose at my current insurance job. I really would not have thought I could get through something like this. I have discovered that staying calm in a traumatic situation is actually a strength I possess. I am currently researching how I might use that in a future career. I am beginning to make plans to return to school, probably in psychology or counseling. This was not in my plans at all prior to this and it’s a little exciting!
I also continue to appreciate the fact that I had close to 30 years with this wonderful man! Many people don’t ever get to experience the kind of relationship we had. When I start getting sad I just try to pull up one of the many, many happy memories I have and that usually gets me through.
Every day is still really hard but I am really grateful that there are occasional bright spots!