One year later

Patrick has been gone for 365 days. I’ve only seen him in videos and pictures. Some days it seems like just yesterday and on others it feels like an eternity. I’ve tried to share my journey with others. This is mainly for selfish reasons as I seem to feel much better when I write everything out. But I have also heard that others have found this helpful and that makes me happy.

Imagine that you are taking a walk. The weather is mostly perfect and the scenery is beautiful. As you walk you are holding the hand of the person you most want to walk this path with. Occasionally there is a hill and sometimes you stumble but your partner is always right there to help you.  You carry many memories with you and in the distance you can see many places that you want to go and you anticipate these experiences with excitement. You have the path memorized and you know exactly how to get where you want to go.

Suddenly there is an earthquake, worse than you ever imagined. A huge chasm opens up in the path in front of you.  You feel your partner slipping and suddenly they have disappeared. The destruction is so great that you can’t even see the places you had planned to go. The experiences you had dreamed of are no longer possible.

At first you feel like jumping into the chasm and looking for your lost dreams. You don’t really see any other option. Suddenly you see that there is another path leading away from the chasm. This path has not been used as often and it is not as easy to navigate. Sometimes you need help clearing the way. Parts of the path seem dangerous and frightening and the chasm always seems to be nearby. But you start to notice that there are some interesting things ahead. There are other people traveling the path and you begin to enjoy their company. They help to clear the path and point out destinations that you didn’t realize were there. This is a much different path than you had planned. You haven’t forgotten about your missing partner or the plans you had with them but you realize that they would be happy that you found this new path and would want you to continue on.

That may be a little corny but that is how my life is. I am now on a completely different path that I did not choose but it is not as awful and scary as I thought it would be. There are new dreams and hopes for the future. I feel that Patrick walks this path with me and helps steer me in the right direction. He can no longer hold my hand but he still keeps me from falling.

Over the last year I have met so many wonderful people and became re-acquainted with some old friends. I was able to leave a job that I was burnt out on and embark on a journey toward a new career. The girls and I have spoiled ourselves a bit and had some great adventures with more planned. None of us will have a future exactly like we planned but we will have a future and good things will happen. We will face adversity but we will always remember that we survived the worst thing imaginable and we can probably survive just about anything.

I will always miss my husband but I know that my story has not ended. He has provided for my future and I am able to focus on doing positive things and pursue a career where I hope to make a difference in people’s lives.

The girls are doing better than I could have ever imagined. They also miss their Dad but they are choosing to live the kind of lives he would want them to. We have pulled each other through this.

I have heard many different things about observing or not observing the anniversary of death. I can’t imagine how you would ever ignore it so we are choosing to be together, with other loved ones. We will spend the day at Shaver since he loved to be there. We may paddle the canoe around the lake or take a hike. He will be right there with us.

Thank you for all of the love and support in the last year! Keep it coming because this grief journey is not over! We love you all!