The Elephant in the Room

When you lose someone unexpectedly, especially with an element of tragedy, you become the center of attention for a while. This is a strange feeling and not really the kind of attention most people are hoping to get. In the first weeks after Patrick died, it was really pronounced. People felt so helpless and they would jump at the chance to do something. This was good since there were times when I wouldn’t have eaten if someone hadn’t put food in front of me. The girls noticed it too. Sierra commented about it and said she felt like she could ask for just about anything. She even joked a little and said she felt like she could ask for something random, like a lint roller, and someone would get it. I shared this story and the next time her Zia Jenn came over she brought her 3 or 4 lint rollers. All joking aside, it’s really not the kind of attention we were looking for and it was good when things got back to normal. And now, we focus a lot more on the good memories. But, it’s a sad story, and inevitably it’s going to come up many times when you meet new people. It’s always a little awkward. You want to tell people who are new friends but you know it’s going to make them sad. I don’t want to minimize the impact but I also want people to know that we are doing well. So I always try to find a quick way to explain that this horrible, life changing tragedy happened but it is no longer the center of our existence. I’m not sure if that even makes sense. I just think it’s one of those things that will always be awkward. Last Saturday, my sister Denise and I went to hear her friend’s band play. She ran into a lot of friends while we were there and one came to sit at our table. I’m not sure how it even came up but Denise told him that I was her sister who had lost her husband. It was just a footnote in the conversation but of course it changed the entire direction. The friend jokingly scolded Denise for bringing up such a sad topic. This is always funny to me because there will never be a time when someone makes me remember that I’m a widow, i always know. Denise set him straight and told him we talk about Patrick all the time and she knows I am comfortable with it. And again, I think the guy was just teasing her, but I think it’s just so funny that death is such a taboo subject. People just aren’t sure how to handle it. I also don’t want it to appear that I am bringing it up for them to feel sorry for me. I know that’s kind of inevitable but at times I almost want to apologize for making people feel bad. I know that’s silly but unfortunately it’s just our culture. We all see the elephant in the room but we think maybe people will forget he’s there if we don’t mention it. Really? It’s an elephant!I know I don’t speak for everyone who has lost someone but I think, in general, it is better for everyone if we acknowledge that death is a part of life and so is grief. I will never forget Patrick and I’m going to occasionally be sad about that. That’s just the way it is.