Busy, tired, and grateful

I find myself with very little time to write these days and I really miss it. I am going through the most intense, stressful, and wonderful time right now! Sometimes it’s hard to balance it all but it will be worth it in the long run.

Bruce and I moved into our new home in mid July. I started my practicum the next week. Some days I still can’t believe I’ve made it this far. Since graduating from Fresno State nearly 30 years ago, I have never had a job that I loved this much. I never felt adequate as a teacher. Aetna was a good career and I don’t regret it but it didn’t give me a lot of satisfaction. I sometimes worried that I was just doomed to fail.

Over the last few years I felt pretty good about what I was learning and I thought I would like it but I worried that I would feel unprepared and awkward. I was not at all sure what my practicum would be like. Many of my classmates are at sites where they shadow another counselor, at least initially. At my site they did some training and then I started seeing clients on my own. All of my notes are reviewed and signed by my supervisor and I have been observed a few times but basically I am allowed to counsel on my own and it’s been wonderful!

Don’t get me wrong, I still have a LOT to learn and I know I will improve over time. But I feel like I am helping my clients. They don’t always make huge gains between sessions and some only come for one session but I feel really good about the work I have done. And I am so grateful for this opportunity!

I am only doing this because of Patrick. When he died I thought my life was pretty much over too. Then I saw the love that everyone had for him and for the girls and I. I saw the many lives he touched and it made me want to do something more with my life. I will miss him every day for the rest of my life. I will mourn for all the time we did not get with him. Most of all I will mourn for all the important things he will miss out on. But I’m not sad anymore.

I am grateful for the full life I have now. I live in a beautiful home with a man I love dearly. I have two incredible, amazing, brilliant, and beautiful daughters. My life is both less and more than I ever dreamed. I choose to be happy and I choose to love.

Next month I will be taking the National Clinical Mental Health Counseling Exam (NCMHCE) so I probably won’t be writing or doing much of anything except go to work and study. In November we will be married. I’m still amazed that this is my life! And I am very grateful!