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Don’t avoid the discussions – 8/31/16

Today’s PSA is for all of you married couples who know you need a will but you’re not planning on dying so no rush, right? You’ll do it someday. Who wants to talk about death? That’s no fun!Guess when it’s REALLY not fun to talk about it? When you no longer have the chance to discuss it with your spouse! 

So first, let’s talk about the will. We did not have wills. And in this situation it hasn’t really presented any problems. We were both each other’s beneficiaries so it wasn’t that complicated. However, if something had happened to both of us it would have been more difficult for the girls. Honestly I didn’t even know about everything that was out there. There was a VA pension that his former coworkers told me about and I discovered that I was paying for an AD&D policy in addition to the one he had. I am now going through the process of finalizing my will. Not only will it say what I want to do with everything but it will also be a record of all the important information. I am paying to have it done because my brain is scrambled, but there are a lot of websites where you can do it yourself and just get it notarized. So don’t procrastinate on this! Especially if you have kids!

Next, final wishes/funeral plans. Again, not a fun conversation. I’m actually kind of glad we didn’t have this in writing. Patrick hated funerals. He didn’t want any money spent on him. Put him in a cardboard box, etc. To be clear, when we did discuss this I pretty much told him that if he died first I would do whatever the heck I wanted. I told him that funerals were for the living. If we had a long life together then I probably would have been fine with doing it differently but in an unexpected and tragic situation you are looking for what seems best for those who are left behind. So, have this conversation. Try to honor each other’s wishes but maybe give your spouse your blessing to do what comforts them the most?

I also suggest that you take a look at what each of you handle in the household. For example I paid all of the bills and just about everything was electronic. Patrick would have had no clue what to do if I had died first. I did have an agreement with my friend Lisa that we would help each other’s spouses through this scenario but I never gave her important info so it still would have been a nightmare! And figuring out the swimming pool has been a bit of a nightmare for me. I am happy to say I think I have a handle on it now but I wish I had spent more time with him learning how to do all the outside things. 

So please, have the uncomfortable conversations! And do it sooner rather than later. Patrick knew a lot of things that would have made things easier for me. I am slowly figuring it out but if you can, just handle it now!

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Unconditional Love – 8/28/16

I am continuing to move my old blog entries – this is from August.

Today my brother and I were talking about which would be harder, a sudden, unexpected death like Patrick’s or a long illness and death. We agreed that they are both hard in different ways. I would definitely like to have a few more minutes, hours or days with Patrick. Basically I would take whatever I could get. But at the same time, I am eternally grateful that he did not suffer. And really there’s nothing I could have told him that he didn’t already know.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the unconditional love that we shared. We had a great life together but it wasn’t always easy. We went through several difficult periods and he always stuck by me no matter what. In 1994 I made the difficult decision to leave teaching after only four years. This was an extremely difficult decision and honestly it threw me into a deep depression. I know Patrick felt helpless but he supported my decision even though it resulted in a big reduction in income. He didn’t always know what to say but he always showed that he loved me.

This was not the only struggle. After Camille was born I had 7 years of chronic pain that we thought was back pain. I finally received a diagnosis and it turned out that my hip was the cause. I had a total hip replacement and he supported me through that. I remember that during the time when nothing seemed to be working he wrote me a letter telling me how frustrated that he was that we couldn’t find an answer. He promised that we would figure it out and get through it.

The next challenge came in 2007 when I told him that I thought I had a gambling problem. I waited until I knew I was ready to get help because once I told him I knew that I would need to stop. He again supported me through this. I slipped up once a few years ago when I was having a really difficult time at work. When I told him it was probably the biggest challenge our marriage faced. He was really disappointed in me. I asked him if he wanted me to leave. He said no and held me, crying, and I promised him that I would not gamble again. I think a lot of men would have thrown in the towel at this point but he just continued to love and support me.

Patrick was always very health conscious. Due to my hip injury and other issues, I have struggled with my weight and activity level. He always supported whatever diet or exercise program I was doing but he never criticized me. I know that he worried about my health. I can’t tell you how ironic it is that he took such good care of himself and actually died while doing that. Meanwhile I’m still here. So one of my goals is to become more active and take better care of myself. I know this would make him happy.

It is such a wonderful gift to have unconditional love. I appreciated it during our marriage and I appreciate it even more now. I have had to make a lot of decisions since his death. Some things he might have done differently but I know that he loves me no matter what. I feel that love and support even now and it helps tremendously. I don’t have any regrets because I know he wouldn’t want me to. And if I ever question whether or not I am making the right decision I just remember that he would not want me to agonize over it.

If I did have a few more minutes with him I would tell him that I will always love him and thank him for being a wonderful husband and father and really making all my dreams come true. And then I would ask him where he put the damn pipes!

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And the case drags on – 8/25/16

I regularly get asked if anything is happening with the case. I have tried not to say a lot because I don’t want to do anything to damage it. Initially I was very wrapped up in it and really hoping for a quick resolution. Now I find that it is very emotionally draining to think about it too much so I just do it a little at a time. The investigation determined that Patrick did nothing wrong. I still have 100% confidence in the Clovis PD and I feel they did a thorough investigation. I have been disappointed that the DA is not moving faster but my understanding is that this is not an easy to prosecute case. I think that we may hear something soon but I have thought that before and it always takes longer than expected. 

I just looked up drug-impaired driving laws and I am not sure if California has no law at all but we definitely don’t have a Zero Tolerance law. I think this will be something to think about when this is all over. 

Since Patrick died I have been very aware of accidents where the driver has some kind of impairment. Just in this short amount of time, paying close attention to this, I have noticed that it seems like arrests and charges happen more quickly when a car hits another car. This makes me feel like cyclist’s lives are not valued the same. I’m sure that there are a lot of factors that come into play but that is just my feeling. 

I think that most of the family has decided that we cannot expect to find peace in the resolution of this case. This is why I choose to celebrate Patrick and I try to think of positive things that might happen as a result of this. For now I think it would be nice to get some type of closure on the case but I am trying not to think about it too much. There are things happening so I know it’s not forgotten. 

Thank you for continuing to love and support my family!

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Goodbye Summer – 8/23/16

The day I have been dreading arrived. August 20th, four months since life changed forever. Four months that we have been a family of three. And now it’s time for school to start which means Sierra is back in Long Beach.

For the last four months I have wanted to keep my girls close all the time. The day after the accident the girls each went to hang out with friends. I sat in the front yard with various family members while they were gone. Suddenly I heard sirens. I immediately asked someone to please check in with my kids. They were fine. After they came home I told them that if they ever hear sirens they need to check in with me! I know I can’t keep them close forever but the thought of anything happening to them terrifies me.

I don’t think there is ever an easy age to lose a parent and there’s no right or wrong way to handle it. I am so proud of my girls. I know they are hurting too but they have been so supportive of me and each other. I know they share my belief that Patrick would not want us to be sad so one of the many legacies he left us was the ability to be able to cope with this.

Not that this will ever be easy! Tonight I faced the fact that I needed to do real grocery shopping. The kind with a list and everything! Camille is back in school and we need to have some sort of routine. I am fully capable of grocery shopping. The thing is, he did most of the grocery shopping for the last 10-15 years. And, like everything he did, he had it down to a science. He didn’t like to buy extra because he didn’t want to be wasteful. I used to laugh at our discussions about bananas. I would ask for bananas and he would tell me how many went uneaten from the week before. We would have negotiations and I would have to agree to try to eat more bananas. You would think that healthy Patrick would want to keep healthy foods on hand “just in case”. Go figure!

So I made a list and Camille added to it. And I cried a little and she gave me a big hug. Someday I will be able to do routine things without constant reminders. I don’t ever want to forget him but I am hoping it will get easier to remember.

For now we are just taking it one day at a time. I made it through another dreaded first so I think I am good until maybe Halloween. That will be a story for another day.

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Something to Celebrate – 8/16/16

This is a very exciting week to be a part of the Prandini family. I know that sounds like I am stating the obvious but this is something that this family really needs right now. The last 10 months or so have been very difficult and it’s really nice to get together to celebrate.

My mother-in-law was born Barbara Prandini. She is the youngest sibling of Carlo Prandini, SR. Carlo JR is her nephew and Jenna is her great niece. I actually knew the Prandini’s before the teNyenhuis’ since I attended Clovis High and ran track and cross country. Carlo was one of my coaches and he also coached my sister Dawan. After graduating from UCLA Dawan worked for John Prandini for a few months before she left for graduate school at Columbia. During this time she helped me get a job with John and I met Patrick when he came to work over the summer. I always admired all the Prandini’s I knew and I was really excited to be joining the Prandini and teNyenhuis families.

The Prandini family has had to go through more than their fair share of heartbreak. I previously mentioned all of the family members we have lost but the last 10 months we were hit especially hard. In November Tony Prandini JR, Patrick’s cousin, died after a short battle with cancer. This was still very much on our minds when Barbara Anderson, daughter of Ann and Steve Anderson, granddaughter of Carlo SR and Jenna’s first cousin, died suddenly and unexpectedly. We gathered in early April for her funeral and remarked that we needed to plan some happy occasions to get together. Two weeks later Patrick died tragically and the next day his Zio Angelo passed away.

We have done a better job of getting together since then and this has really helped get us through. Now we have Jenna to cheer for and I know we are all grateful to be celebrating her achievements! In addition to being an accomplished athlete she is a very sweet girl and really this couldn’t happen to a more deserving person! Regardless of what happens next she won her first race at the Olympics. How cool is that?

So I will enjoy the final week of the Olympics and be grateful that the Prandini family gets to experience a little Joy. And honestly the teNyenhuis and Boyles families are enjoying it too! We ALL needed this! I can’t wait to watch her in the semis tomorrow!

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The Best Kept Secret

Guess what I have learned? You can’t wrap grief up in a nice little package and make it go away. This was a surprise to me because no one wants to talk about it. Death is a really uncomfortable subject so it is easier to just pretend that it is unpleasant but then you move on. I don’t see people walking around teary eyed months or years after they have lost someone so it must just be okay after a while. I hesitated writing this because I don’t want to make everyone sad. And I don’t want anyone responding telling me how sorry you are, I know that and it’s not the reason I am writing this
. Mourning used to last for a full year but that’s really depressing so somewhere along the way society decided that it was just better to move on as quickly as possible. The reality is that it is just not that simple.
Grief is really, really hard. I always thought that it would be difficult at first but that I would recover pretty quickly and move forward because that’s the way it works, right? I’ve watched more than one movie where someone has lost a spouse. There is a common scene where they are sitting watching a wedding video or some other movie of happier times. And they are inconsolable. Sometimes this scene is repeated a few times but eventually they recover and move on to whatever the point of the movie is. It’s all nice and neat. I have tried watching my wedding video. I really want to watch the whole, long, thing because we have lost a lot of people in the last year and I am pretty sure most of them are in the video. The video starts with a staged clip of Zio Angelo, Zia Becky, Angelino and Lucia walking in the front door of Sacred Heart (staged because we weren’t supposed to use that door). I can make it through the first part which is kind of like a music video (soundtrack is “Just Like Heaven” by The Cure) and I was able to watch it up to the first reading but I haven’t gotten past that. Watching it night after night? No thank you!

I still cannot wrap my mind around the fact that Patrick is gone. What has really surprised me is that after almost 4 months my mind still plays games with me. Several times a day I seem to have a conversation with myself that goes like this: “He’s not really gone!” “Yes he is, remember INSERT ANY AWFUL MEMORY?” “Oh yeah, that DID happen”. I don’t know why but I just had no idea that it would be like this. 

Most days I feel like I am making progress, I can pull myself up, start a project, go on a fun trip, etc. Then I do something simple like checking my email and I see an email from the US Mint advertising their latest commemorative coins. No big deal, right? WRONG!!! Patrick collected these. They were one of the few things on his Christmas list every year. The man wanted NOTHING so I loved buying these for him. He would actually get mad if I bought him too many presents. I’m typing this on the computer I bought him for Christmas and if you haven’t heard this story his response was “You bought me a laptop? Why on earth would you do such a thing?!!!”. As you probably know by now he did learn to love it and left us a lot of videos as a result. 

I also have trouble walking down the beer aisle in stores. Personally I don’t like beer but we all know Patrick LOVED beer. And I knew just what he liked. There are always a lot of micro brewery IPAs in large bottles with really cool pictures and names. My favorite was Arrogant Bastard Pale Ale. “I bought this just for you…love you!” I always knew I would get a great smile if I came home with beer.

I know that I will never forget Patrick and there is no way to really “get over” this. I do think that as time goes on there will be more smiles and fewer tears. I’m sharing this because I want you to know that when someone is grieving it is a life long process. As I’ve said before, I choose to celebrate Patrick and the life he lived. If you see me don’t be afraid to bring this up. You can tell me you care. You can tell me funny stories. And if you’re grieving too, PLEASE share that with me, it’s good for both of us! I won’t mention names but that is directed at one person and they know who they are! 

I love you all and I thank you for helping the girls and I through this and really the entire big huge family! Thank you for reading my blog as it helps me get through this!

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Going Solo

The girls left for the beach today. I could have joined them tomorrow but I thought it would be good to have a short trial of being on my own. This will be the longest I have been alone since who knows when. I have another year with Camille but eventually I will push her out of the nest and watch her soar so I need to start preparing myself.

I am very sad to say that I was nervous about the thought of Patrick and I being empty nesters. Next summer Sierra will be 21 so that would have been 21 years since we were just a couple. Would we drive each other crazy? The girls were the center of our lives for so long. Would it be hard to just be the two of us again?

Seriously? I really thought that? I would give anything for that to be my future right now.

Over the years we tried to take time away but we loved being a family so much that we rarely went away by ourselves. We had several great anniversary trips over the years: Madonna Inn, the Inn at Avila Beach, Kon Tiki Inn, Tenaya Lodge, Catalina, and Seattle for Damian and Suzanne’s wedding. So we did try to make time alone and we definitely had good times.

Right now I can’t even fathom living alone after Camille graduates. This was so NOT the plan. To say this is not how I expected things to turn out is such an understatement.

When I lost Patrick I also lost other unexpected things. I’ve heard these called secondary losses. The biggest one is just being a part of a couple. I mean everywhere you look there are couples! And they are usually doing annoying things like holding hands, smiling at each other, etc. I never realized that being part of a couple was such a big part of my identity but I feel the loss acutely.

I lost my companion, my occasional dinner date. I lost the person I discussed EVERYTHING with, the first person I would go to if I had a problem. I lost the father of my children, my co-parent. The kids are mostly grown but any decisions left to be made are squarely on my shoulders.

I lost the guy who knew everything about the yard, the pool and other household things. I lost my physical therapist and masseuse!!!I’m sure he would laugh about that one because it was NOT his favorite job! I know I drove him crazy but he took good care of me!

I also lost a walking encyclopedia of knowledge and memories. I don’t know how he remembered so many things but it was kind of nice because I didn’t have to. I can’t tell you how often I have needed information that only he has! And we still don’t know where the pipes and the beer journal went!!! And yeah, we all lost the clown, the source of so many smiles and laughter!

So now I am learning to be alone. I have a whole army of friends and family who want to protect me from being alone but at the end of the day I have to be able to do this. That’s the irony of this situation. Everyone wants to fix this and really no one can. Only time will ease the pain. I know I can do it and I promise I will survive but right now I still can’t wrap my mind around the fact that he is gone.

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Going Solo 

The girls left for the beach today. I could have joined them tomorrow but I thought it would be good to have a short trial of being on my own. This will be the longest I have been alone since who knows when. I have another year with Camille but eventually I will push her out of the nest and watch her soar so I need to start preparing myself. I am very sad to say that I was nervous about the thought of Patrick and I being empty nesters. Next summer Sierra will be 21 so that would have been 21 years since we were just a couple. Would we drive each other crazy? The girls were the center of our lives for so long. Would it be hard to just be the two of us again?

Seriously? I really thought that? I would give anything for that to be my future right now.

Over the years we tried to take time away but we loved being a family so much that we rarely went away by ourselves. We had several great anniversary trips over the years: Madonna Inn, the Inn at Avila Beach, Kon Tiki Inn, Tenaya Lodge, Catalina, and Seattle for Damian and Suzanne’s wedding. So we did try to make time alone and we definitely had good times.

Right now I can’t even fathom living alone after Camille graduates. This was so NOT the plan. To say this is not how I expected things to turn out is such an understatement.

When I lost Patrick I also lost other unexpected things. I’ve heard these called secondary losses. The biggest one is just being a part of a couple. I mean everywhere you look there are couples! And they are usually doing annoying things like holding hands, smiling at each other, etc. I never realized that being part of a couple was such a big part of my identity but I feel the loss acutely.

I lost my companion, my occasional dinner date. I lost the person I discussed EVERYTHING with, the first person I would go to if I had a problem. I lost the father of my children, my co-parent. The kids are mostly grown but any decisions left to be made are squarely on my shoulders.

I lost the guy who knew everything about the yard, the pool and other household things. I lost my physical therapist and masseuse!!! I’m sure he would laugh about that one because it was NOT his favorite job! I know I drove him crazy but he took good care of me!

I also lost a walking encyclopedia of knowledge and memories. I don’t know how he remembered so many things but it was kind of nice because I didn’t have to. I can’t tell you how often I have needed information that only he has! And we still don’t know where the pipes and the beer journal went!!! And yeah, we all lost the clown, the source of so many smiles and laughter!

So now I am learning to be alone. I have a whole army of friends and family who want to protect me from being alone but at the end of the day I have to be able to do this. That’s the irony of this situation. Everyone wants to fix this and really no one can. Only time will ease the pain. I know I can do it and I promise I will survive but right now I still can’t wrap my mind around the fact that he is gone.