A few weeks ago I started thinking about this song constantly. I’m not sure if it was in a movie or on a show but I didn’t own it before. I heard it in my head so often that I’m positive Patrick sent it to me.
It’s not ever easy
This is very raw for me and I hesitated to post it but writing this down is actually very helpful for me. I slept like a baby after writing this last night. So, don’t click the link if it is too hard to read. 😉
August 6, 2016 – 2:30 AM
I try to stay positive as much as possible. I probably sound like a broken record when I say that he would want me to be happy. I say it a lot to remind myself but it’s not always easy. And I wonder how I will go on without him?
I went back to work this week and everything was the same as ever, except it’s not the same for me. As I went through emails I found myself looking at the date and time and thinking, “He was alive when this was sent” or just remembering the days and what I was doing.
On April 21st I did not leave the house. I kind of sat around in a numb shock waiting to figure out what to do next. As hard as the worst day of my life was I had no idea that the following days would each be a different kind of hard.
On Friday the 22nd there were 11 of us seated around a table making funeral arrangements. I don’t know how people would ever do that by themselves. Later that day an even larger group of family members met with the police.
Over the weekend there was much discussion and tears in deciding whether or not to see him. Everyone wanted to protect me but I knew I had to see him. Honestly there was no way anyone was going to stop me. I don’t think there are any words to describe seeing your dead husband when he has been ripped from your life so violently. He looked peaceful and he didn’t look like he had suffered too much but my legs went out from under me when I first saw him. I have so many pictures of him so this is just one small memory but I really need it because even now, 3 ½ months later I need to picture this to remind myself that this is real. Probably at least once a day it hits me, THIS REALLY HAPPENED. As inexplicable and crazy as it is, Patrick is gone. He won’t come walking through that door again.
The rosary and service turned out exactly like I wanted them to and it was great to see so many people turn out and know how much love was being shown for all of us. At the same time they were very hard days to get through. I guess I really thought that when we got through those days I would just magically find that everything got progressively easier. That did not happen…
One needs to be the Clown
Patrick was always good with kids. I noticed this when we were dating and I always knew he would be a great father. He wasn’t as comfortable around babies and always said that he wouldn’t hold them until they could pass the “3 foot drop test”! Of course I always wanted to be a Mom and I knew it would be part of the “Happily Ever After” that I envisioned with Patrick.
Patrick and I dated for 6 years so I really didn’t expect any surprises when we did our Engaged Encounter weekend that was required by our church. As part of the weekend we each had a notebook. We were given sets of questions that we would answer individually and then we would meet and exchange notebooks. One of the questions was, “How many kids do you want and when?” I put two to three in 4 to 5 years. Patrick put NONE EVER. I pulled the priest over to discuss this because it was kind of a deal breaker for me and how in the heck did I date him for 6 years and miss this???!!!
Patrick admitted that he was afraid that he wouldn’t be a good parent. I imagine that he probably thought there was no way he could ever measure up to his parents because they are pretty awesome! I don’t know why he didn’t realize that they had already taught him everything he needed to know!
We talked with the priest and basically agreed that he would probably be ok with having kids eventually.
I need to clarify that the eulogy kind of made it sound like I tricked him into fatherhood, that was not the case. It did take a while to bring him around but our first child did arrive in 4 years as part of my master plan. Lol
As he warmed up to the prospect of being a father I remember him having a very serious discussion with me about the type of parents we would be. He said, “I think that in every family one parent needs to be the disciplinarian and one needs to be the clown.” I’m sure you can guess which one he planned to be!
By the time we made the decision to start a family he was 100% on board and never looked back. He still worried about the 3 foot drop test but when they handed Sierra to him that was completely forgotten. When we brought her home he got up with her during the night, changed her diaper, swaddled her like a pro and then brought her to me to nurse. Many women told me that this was not normal behavior but this was just the kind of husband and father that he was. He also bought a cookbook and made all of the baby food from scratch!
When I was pregnant with Camille he really wanted another daughter to dote on and his wish came true. When she was two months old I had to go on a business trip for 3 days. Many people asked if I was worried about him being on his own with the kids and that always made me laugh. He joked that it was easy because he had one less person to take care of and this was probably true! He had the parent thing down and I never worried!
Throughout their childhood I have to say the most important thing to us was just to love them and enjoy time with them. Neither one of us ended up being much of a disciplinarian and we were always surprised that they turned out okay in spite of this.
As they got older we had a lot of conversations where we talked about how amazing they were and how proud we were of them. He liked to say that he had no idea why they turned out so well because we were crappy parents! I agreed that we couldn’t take a lot of credit, lol!
He did fulfill his promise to be the clown and thank god the girls and I have many memories of that! I’m very grateful that he was around for most of their childhood. Next year will be particularly hard when Camille graduates from high school and Sierra graduates from CSULB. I know he would be so proud! I cried when I heard how well Camille had done on a recent test. I remarked to Barbara that he would be so proud and she reminded me, “He knows”.
So I will keep that in mind as I keep trying to move forward. I am 100% confident that he wants us to be happy and have a good life. I’m trying really hard to keep the humor alive and luckily the “clown” taught his daughters all his tricks so there are a lot of smiles and laughter around here!
The Worst Day of My Life – 4/20/16
I have posted this several times but I wanted to transfer it to my new site and I have added a bit to it. I know that it is hard to read so I didn’t want to post it on the anniversary. No one ever knows what to do or say when a tragedy strikes. I hear that all the time! This is the story of the messages I received that were exactly what I needed at that point. I really think that reading all of these and realizing how much support I had made me realize that I could survive this horrible day. I love my people!
8/2/16
I have been wanting to write this for a while. This day was definitely the worst day of my life but it was also a day that I was surrounded by love and that is why I want to share it. I am sharing it without specifically asking for permission so I apologize in advance if anyone objects to me sharing their messages. They all meant so much to me but I am happy to remove them if necessary. This was just day one of the messages so I will post more later. There were also a lot of Facebook posts and I think I will include them separately.
Patrick was very dedicated to staying physically fit. He would be the first one to tell you that he didn’t particularly love working out but he did it anyway. When he graduated from PT School he gave the graduation speech and it was about the importance of staying physically fit. I am hoping that someday I will find a copy of that speech! He did some type of workout almost every day of the week and he frequently did more than one. Each weekday morning he would either run, lift weights in the garage, or ride his bike out Shaw to Quail Lakes, do a lap or two and then return home. I am not much of a morning person so it was not uncommon for me to sleep through his entire workout. He would usually wake up at 5:30 AM and finish by 6:45 AM at the latest.
On Wednesday, April 20, 2016 I woke up at 6:30 AM because I had a conference call at 7:00 AM. I wasn’t immediately alarmed and was busy getting my computer started and preparing for my call. As it got closer to 7:00 AM I asked Camille to check in the garage to see if he was riding his bike that day. She reported back that it was gone. I dialed into my call thinking that maybe he was going into work late. Camille attempted to call him and there was no answer. At around 7:10 AM I decided that he probably had a flat or something so I excused myself from the call and drove to look for him. I wasn’t completely sure if he would take Locan or DeWolf to Shaw so I just picked Locan. When I got to Shaw and DeWolf I do remember seeing a fire truck going the other way with its lights off and I think I took that as a good sign.
At Shaw and Leonard the road was closed. I think there was some kind of barricade so it looked like it could be construction related. I didn’t see any emergency vehicles but there were cars parked on both sides of the street. I parked on Leonard and walked to the intersection. There was a community service officer there and I asked her if she knew what had happened and she said no. I explained that my husband had not come home from his bicycle ride and this is the route he would have taken. She then said, “It was a motorcycle, like vroom, vroom” so I thanked her and walked back to my car. As I was leaving I started to realize that the facts were not adding up. I decided to try to get closer so I drove to Barstow and turned right. I suddenly realized that I should probably just get back home to Camille. This was a very strong feeling but I also had a sense of calm. I now believe that Patrick was protecting me. I didn’t need to be at the accident scene.
I decided to call my nephew, Nick, who had recently joined Clovis PD. My voice wavered a little as I told him his uncle was missing. He was off duty but said he would make some calls. As I drove home I listened to the traffic report but nothing was mentioned. Nick called back to tell me that there was a bicycle involved in the accident but the rider had no ID. I told him that would be my husband since he refused to wear his road ID that I bought him. He also asked what the bike looked like. I told him it was black and very old. I sent him the only picture I had, with a toothbrush stuck in the spokes! I told him he was more than likely wearing beat up shoes and black shorts and possibly a red shirt. He hung up about the same time I got home. As I walked through the door I got a breaking news alert that told me Shaw was closed due to a fatal accident. And I knew.
Thank god Camille was still home. I just told her that there had been an accident and Nick was getting more information. We waited a few more minutes and I realized that I needed to start calling people. I called Denise and asked her to call the others.
The rest of the day is somewhat of a blur so I am recreating it through text conversations, instant messages and what I remember. SO many people came by and I don’t think I will remember them all. If I miss your name please let me know and I will add you later. Denny, Alyssa, Shayna and Katie Boyles. Yolanda Boyles, Shelly, Dave, Morgan & Abby Cruce, Lisa Walthall, Kimberly Burns, Cathy, Mike and Matt Lamb, Hope Lemons, Gabe, Jenn, Caitlin, Dominic and Anthony teNyenhuis, Barbara and Andre teNyenhuis, Matt, Tina, Ella, Andrew and Olivia teNyenhuis. Jeff & Dina Young, Desmond teNyenhuis, Mikel & Melissa Boyles, Nick & Amanda, Dustin Campbell & Jenna Aluisi, Wes Campbell, Denise Campbell, Connor Haubursin, Oly Ybarra, Diana Durham, my mom, Diane Smith, my dad and mom, Dennis & Kandra Boyles, Carlo Prandini, Barry Jager, Dyia, Dave and Peyton Kwalwasser, Cherie & Mikaela Kirk, Cristel & Tiffany Tufenkjian, Angela and Mia Castillo, Linda, Craig, Julia and Caroline Crews, Nimrat Brar, Syncere Coleman, Hannah Fong, Tess Amundsen, Danielle Cedillo, Debbie, Taylor & Tory Solley, Sydney Andriese, Lisa Boyles & Randy Bell, Mike & Dawn Kuhl, Virla & Casie Boyles, Josh, Corina & Jamesen Marzette, Erin & Olivia Haagenson, Gene Haagenson (invited by me as the only reporter I would speak to), Katelyn Bach, Alexis Ehrlich & Connor Medina, Phillip Weathers, Becky Brown, Nick Hauck, Joe Reinartz, Donna Christiansen, Ken & Jeanne Christiansen, Anne & Stephen Anderson, Sr, Candace and Stephen Anderson, Jr. Seriously, ALL of these people came to my house and many of them came every day for a while. We were not alone.
Timeline
7:29 AM – First call to Nick
7:39 AM – Nick called back
7:53 AM – Texted my boss, Janet Spear
8:05 AM – Nick called me back to ask for more information.
8:11 AM – Sent Nick a picture of the bike to share with police. You might notice that there is a toothbrush in the spokes. Patrick went for a bike ride a few months prior and that was there when he returned home. We thought it was hilarious and I posted the picture on Facebook. Little did I know that it would be used to identify his bike.
8:12 AM – I texted my oldest sister Denise and then she called me. We talked on and off until we decided she should leave to pick up Sierra. I knew I didn’t have to contact anyone else because she would.
8:13 AM – Call with Denise – 2 minutes
8:17 AM – Call with Denise – 3 minutes
8:18 AM – Texted my friends at work.
8:24 AM – Call with Denise 1 minute
8:25 AM – Called Matt, Patrick’s younger brother
8:27 AM – Matt called me back and we talked briefly
8:28 AM – Called Lisa Walthall and she called me back 1 minute later
8:28 AM – Realizing this was serious enough to bother my best friend, Cathy Lamb, at work I texted her. I was also beginning to lose it a bit at this point.
8:31 AM – Called SJVR Clovis – Could barely talk and Jennifer agreed to contact Kevin, Patrick’s boss
8:33 AM – Call from Denise – 2 min
8:34 AM – Call from Kevin, Patrick’s boss 4 min
8:42 AM – Call from Cathy telling me she was coming over
8:43 AM – Call from Denise – 3 minutes
I’m not sure what time people started arriving but it was around this time. Denny and his girls were the first to arrive. No one knew what to do so I started cleaning and they all helped.
8:46 AM – Denise calls Sierra – 1 min call She told her that she needed to come get her and bring her home and that she needed to pack a bag. Sierra did not ask any questions, she did not text or call anyone. This is somewhat of a miracle as Sierra usually texts me frequently. I believe that Patrick was also watching over her so that she would not get the news until Denise was there with her. It took Denise about 1 ½ hours to get to Sierra and then another 3-4 hours to get home. She called me when she got to Sierra’s apartment and kept me on the phone to talk to Sierra. For some reason I can’t find the exact time of the call but I think it was around the time we had official notification. Telling Sierra was the absolute worst part of the day for me. Camille and I had time to absorb it slowly and we were together the whole time. For Sierra it was sudden and shocking and my heart broke as she said, “What? No, no, no, why?” and sobbed. I questioned whether it was the right thing to do but I didn’t want her spending 4 hours in the car, not knowing what she was coming home to. I am so grateful that Denise was there to get her for me. I’m sure it was also the hardest thing she has ever done.
8:46 AM – Text to Dina, Patrick’s sister. She lives in Shaver. She had been planning to stop by that morning to pick something up so I knew she was already in town.
9:00 AM – Text from Matt
9:02 AM – Called my sister-in-law Jennifer to contact Patrick’s brother Gabe. He is a teacher at Camille’s school and I knew that Jenn would know the quickest way to reach him.
9:03 AM – Jenn called back. I had forgotten that she was in Phoenix to pick up my niece Caitlin who was moving back home. They had to drive all the way home after hearing this news. L
9:19 AM – Call from Nick – 1 min
9:40 AM – Text from my cousin Wendy in Oregon. She is the daughter of my mom’s sister Joni.
9:42 AM – Called Aunt Joni – 3 minutes
9:46 AM – Call from Kevin at SJVR – 3 minutes
9:57 AM – Message from Dyia Kwalwasser, good friend and the mother of Camille’s close friend Peyton
10:06 AM – Text from Misty Hessling, one of my close friends at work.
10:16 AM – Text from Linda Crews, good friend and mother of one of Camille’s close friends, Julia.
10:17 AM – call from Tom & Dawan – They were in Europe on a business trip for Tom. This was very hard for all of us as we are extremely close.
10:22 AM – Text from Jasmine Peebles, one of my fellow PSLs at Aetna
10:58 AM – Text from Cherie Kirk, good friend and the mother of Camille’s friend, Mikaela
11:03 AM – Rcvd text from Kim Meynig – She has been a babysitter/nanny for various kids in my family since Sierra was 6 weeks old.
I’m not sure of the exact time but at some point during the morning my brother-in-law Wes arrived. I lived with he and Denise a few times during college when they were married. He co-signed for my first car and was like a second father to me. It took my Dad several hours to get to my house and I was so happy to see Wes. At times like this you don’t even know who you need and when they show up before you think about it you are so grateful.
All morning long I could tell there was discussion and calls taking place regarding identification of Patrick and official confirmation. I didn’t ask a lot of questions because at that point I really didn’t want to rush the inevitable. This is another part that I am not 100% clear on the details and I haven’t had a chance to ask anyone but my understanding is that when an accident occurs near a Clovis Unified school, district police also respond. CUSD knew about the accident since they had a student and an employee who were family members. I’m not sure if it is normal for district administrators to be on the scene but in this case the Deputy Superintendent, Carlo Prandini and an Associate Superintendent, Barry Jager, were there. Carlo was one of my high school track and cross-country coaches and is basically the reason I met Patrick. I met Patrick when we both worked for Carlo’s brother, John Prandini. Carlo and John are Patrick’s cousins. Barry is a close friend of Gabe teNyenhuis and Patrick ran a marathon with them. The police did not let my nephew go to the scene to identify Patrick but somehow Carlo ended up there and he identified him. This had to be incredibly hard for him but I am eternally grateful that he did. When he arrived and told me I knew that there was no doubt. I thought I was prepared but then he handed me a baggie with Patrick’s watch and wedding band and suddenly it was REAL. I just walked away and went inside and found Camille and gathered Patrick’s family. A chaplain was with Carlo and Barry and he came in and answered questions to the best of his ability. He also prayed with us. I think at this point he told us that there was some suspicion that the driver was impaired but I honestly don’t remember any of that. After he left I talked to Gabe, Dina, Matt and Mom and Pop. I told them that I knew Patrick did not like funerals and probably wanted to be cremated or buried in a cardboard box but that this would be really hard for me. We all agreed that the funeral was for us and we thought he would forgive us. I have always said that the greatest gift he ever gave me was his family (and I’m just going to include my girls as part of that gift). This has never been more evident than it was during this whole difficult, awful, process. I don’t know how people do this without family. I have been very blessed to have two very large families to surround me with love.
11:12 AM – Cathy called Kevin to notify him for me
11:24 AM – Text from my dear friend and adopted cousin Dawn Kuhl. Her husband Mike was the bass player for the Steam Donkeys
11:26 AM – Text from Dawn Vizzolini, good friend and also the mother of Camille’s close friend Logan. Really, Camille’s second family.
11:28 AM – Text from Erin Haagenson, the mother of one of Sierra’s closest friends, Olivia.
11:30 – Text from Olivia Haagenson, Sierra’s good friend since 2nd grade, college roommate, etc
11:30 AM – Message from Crystal Stupay, a friend and former coworker at Aetna who lost her husband suddenly two years ago.
11:32 – Call from Mom
11:42 AM – Text from Linda Crews – picture of all of Camille’s friends at school meeting with psychologist and sending Camille love. By the end of the day most of these kids and probably more were at my house, crammed into Camille’s room and I could hear laughter.
11:44 AM – Text from Karri Priddy – a coworker and good friend
11:48 AM – Text from Jill Holstein, Lisa Boyles’ sister-in-law
11:55 AM – Message from Mark Dorman, Lisa Boyles’ brother
12:12 PM – Message from Trina Book – a friend from Aetna and fellow TNT team member.
12:45 – Message from Stephen Anderson, JR, cousin of Patrick’s. His sister Barbara died suddenly just weeks before Patrick.
1:14 PM – Text to Olga Joplin. Olga was a coworker of Patrick’s at the VA and kept in touch with him after he left. Olga and I have also cycled together. I knew she would be deeply affected and I didn’t want her to hear about this on the news.
1:22 PM – Message from Marie Meadows, Patrick’s cousin
1:26 PM – Text from Kim Burns, coworker, friend and cycling buddy. She had already been at my house and took care of shutting my work computer down, changing my voice mail, etc.
2:48 PM – Message from Maria, one of my customers.
3:07 PM – Message from Lea Lancaster, my friend since high school. She also took many awesome pictures of my babies.
3:21 PM – Message from Susan Gill, Patrick’s boss at the VA, his first job out of PT school.
3:30 PM – Text from Erin Garcia, one of my fellow PSLs
3:40 PM – Message from Mary Prandini Floyd, Patrick’s cousin
3:46 PM – Message from Tawnie Southard, a good friend and the mother of Sierra’s close friend, Katelyn Bach. Tawnie also wrote a very touching blog post that didn’t mention us by name. It is on the memorial site and I have also copied it below.
Lost too soon
It is rare for me to look at a marriage or a family and feel “envy” if that’s the right word to use. Usually I look at marriages and I feel content being single – not that I don’t believe in the sanctity of marriage, not that I’m jaded toward love and marriage and commitment, but I just so often see couples go through the motions or spending so much time and effort playing games or arguing or lying and hiding things and I think to myself – it’s not worth the headache and hassle – I don’t want that in my life. But about 13 years ago my youngest daughter became friends with a little girl and I had the privilege over these years of knowing her family. And this family, is one that I have envied. The parents appeared to have a strong marriage and were so involved in their children’s lives and it showed – their beautiful daughters blossomed and grew up to be very strong, independent, successful young ladies – excelling in school and sports and just life in. I was “envious” – I wished I had been able to create that foundation for my daughters – I wished I had a partner like they had each found. It wasn’t an envy where I felt jealous in an ugly way, but rather a “awe, see if I can’t have that, I’ll be single”. Today, that family was fractured – in the blink of an eye the head of that household lost his life in a tragic accident and that family unit is forever changed. My envy has changed to a deep sadness for this family because I know what it is to lose someone you love way too soon. My youngest daughter has grown up with this family for 13 years – she called me today crying – heart-broken – knowing her best friend’s family was forever changed. As she choked back tears my heart also broke – for his sudden loss and the recognition we are the same age and this is too young to die – for his wife who would grow old without him – for his daughters who would look out into a crowd on their graduation days from college and not see his face. This was a beautiful family – an enviable family – a family who touched the lives of many – including me and my daughter – and this man will be missed by many!!! And out of respect for his family, I will not mention is his name – this news isn’t mine to spread, but I wanted to mention the impact his family had on me and the loss my family feels. And remind you all – tell your family members you love them – because tomorrow is not promised. And to his family, my deepest, deepest sympathies! My thoughts and prayers are with you! God bless you and keep you safe and comforted until you see him again one day – and you will!
4:43 PM – Message to Tom Guarnera, Patrick’s high school classmate and good friend to both of us.
5:33 PM – Message from Kendra Smith, friend and former coworker
5:33 PM – Message from Charlene Graham
5:35 PM – Message from my cousin Kelly
6:08 PM – Text from my good friend Oly, she was at my house earlier in the day.
6:14 PM – Message from Tim Clark, my friend and former Team in Training cycling coach.
6:30 PM – Message from Lisa Crouch, another soccer mom from Camille’s early soccer years.
6:56 PM – Message from Michelle Daggett – coworker at Aetna
7:13 PM – Text from Rebecca Anderson, friend and coworker at Aetna
7:16 PM – Message from my cousin Holly
7:27 PM – Text from Vickie Duarte, a friend/coach/mentor from Team in Training who is also close to my brother Denny.
7:37 PM – Message from Dar Webster Joneson, a former Aetna coworker.
8:08 PM – Message from Tiffany Crayton, a close family friend
8:27 PM – Message from Donna Mayes-Lutjens, a friend of mine from high school
9:37 PM – Message from Scott and Diane Mooneyham, Patrick and I worked with Scott. I was pregnant with Sierra when Diane was pregnant with their twins.
10:26 PM – Text from Don & Shelly Banta, Patrick’s cousin and his wife
10:36 – Message from Becky Hanna-Lozano – a friend from Aetna
10:41 – Message from Jasara Gillette, Camille’s varsity soccer coach
11:55 PM – Message from Christina Larsen, the mother of one of Camille’s friends in elementary school
Grief
I have experienced loss in my life. I’ve lost all of my grandparents, my Aunt Terry, my Uncle Joe and my nephew Max who only lived for a few minutes. On Patrick’s side we lost Zia Sue, Nona, Opa and Elsie, Danielle, Ryan, Zia Jan, Zia Glenda, Tony, Barbara and Zio Angelo. Some of these were sudden and tragic and they all affected me profoundly. So I thought I understood grief pretty well… until I lost Patrick.
I wanted to share my experience so far in the hopes that it might help people when they interact with someone who has experienced loss.
What I have learned is that there is no right or wrong way to deal with this. I have also learned that the majority of people do not have any idea what to do or say when something like this happens. So here are my thoughts:
Patrick is gone. I know this. Sometimes my brain tries to play tricks on me but I know he is not coming back. We were together for 30 years so he is on my mind every day. I will not be upset if you mention him. In fact, it’s really awkward and almost painful when you don’t mention him. So please keep him alive in our conversations.
I realize that I am not the only person grieving. I want everyone to know that it is okay to share your grief with me. You are not going to upset me. This may not be true for every person who experiences this kind of loss but it is true for me.
If I shared all of my grief with you it might scare you. I think grief is intensely personal but it is also necessary. Some of my “best” days have been the days when I sobbed uncontrollably or even screamed. I have found that it is nice to drive alone and just sob or scream! You have to make sure there are no other cars nearby so they won’t think you are a crazy person but I highly recommend it! I feel this is healthy so please don’t freak out when I’m upset. The only way forward is through the grief so every time I am really sad I am taking a small step forward.
This is not an easy process. Since I feel my grief is personal I tend to share my happier thoughts. That does not mean this is not a struggle. I have met many new people as a result of Patrick’s death. Some of them are also sadly members of this widows club that no one wants to join so this is kind of a message to them. This is how I am getting through this but there’s no “right” way. If someone needs to share their pain that is fine too. On the inside we are all aching.
Grief is like a chameleon. Sometimes it blends into the background and you never quite expect to see it. Other times it pops into view when you least expect it. Don’t be surprised if I burst into tears for no apparent reason. And if I’m happy it doesn’t mean I have forgotten, I’m just trying to get through. And I feel this is exactly what he would want me to do.
This is my grief anthem. It makes me smile and also helps me cry because sometimes that’s what I need!
Grief
I have experienced loss in my life. I’ve lost all of my grandparents, my Aunt Terry, my Uncle Joe and my nephew Max who only lived for a few minutes. On Patrick’s side we lost Zia Sue, Nona, Opa and Elsie, Danielle, Ryan, Zia Jan, Zia Glenda, Tony, Barbara and Zio Angelo. Some of these were sudden and tragic and they all affected me profoundly. So I thought I understood grief pretty well… until I lost Patrick. I wanted to share my experience so far in the hopes that it might help people when they interact with someone who has experienced loss.
What I have learned is that there is no right or wrong way to deal with this. I have also learned that the majority of people do not have any idea what to do or say when something like this happens. So here are my thoughts:
Patrick is gone. I know this. Sometimes my brain tries to play tricks on me but I know he is not coming back. We were together for 30 years so he is on my mind every day. I will not be upset if you mention him. In fact, it’s really awkward and almost painful when you don’t mention him. So please keep him alive in our conversations.
I realize that I am not the only person grieving. I want everyone to know that it is okay to share your grief with me. You are not going to upset me. This may not be true for every person who experiences this kind of loss but it is true for me.
If I shared all of my grief with you it might scare you. I think grief is intensely personal but it is also necessary. Some of my “best” days have been the days when I sobbed uncontrollably or even screamed. I have found that it is nice to drive alone and just sob or scream! You have to make sure there are no other cars nearby so they won’t think you are a crazy person but I highly recommend it! I feel this is healthy so please don’t freak out when I’m upset. The only way forward is through the grief so every time I am really sad I am taking a small step forward.
This is not an easy process. Since I feel my grief is personal I tend to share my happier thoughts. That does not mean this is not a struggle. I have met many new people as a result of Patrick’s death. Some of them are also sadly members of this widow’s club that no one wants to join so this is kind of a message to them. This is how I am getting through this but there’s no “right” way. If someone needs to share their pain that is fine too. On the inside we are all aching.
Grief is like a chameleon. Sometimes it blends into the background and you never quite expect to see it. Other times it pops into view when you least expect it. Don’t be surprised if I burst into tears for no apparent reason. And if I’m happy it doesn’t mean I have forgotten, I’m just trying to get through. And I feel this is exactly what he would want me to do.