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Unexpected Love Story – Part 2 – Meet the Family

I am the first to admit that dating me is a lot! Bruce is an only child and only grandchild so it was somewhat of a culture shock when he met my family. He actually met the teNyenhuis side first! I tried to introduce him to small groups at a time but that is a challenge when we spend so much time together. After a month of dating he met all of my siblings and helped us move into the beach house. I introduced him and he was immediately put to work carrying furniture up stairs and putting things together. We still had things to buy so I left him with the guys while Dawan and I went shopping for a few hours. He likes to say I left him for 10 hours but don’t believe him!

Everyone seemed to like him and that made me very happy! But I knew things were going well when I overheard Tom talking to my Dad the next morning. The conversation was something like this, “We we’re trying to do … then Bruce said… we did this… Bruce thought we could… Bruce suggested…”. You get the picture, he fit so seamlessly into the family!

Then he met more family. Then I took him to the Boyles family reunion, then Ravioli Day. He was proud when he could remember a few names and then I would introduce him to more. We spent Christmas Eve and morning with my family and then I took him to Prandini Christmas. After each big event I gave hm space to decompress. And then he was always ready to meet more people!

Boyles Family Reunion!

In September I had a small flood at my house and it was in a state of disrepair for months. I couldn’t decide what to do. Should I have it repaired? Should I have additional work done? I thought about doing a kitchen remodel and Bruce suggested I get ideas from model homes. He told me he enjoyed visiting the models and there were a few he really liked. We had a blast looking at the models and I found myself imagining what the future might hold. Then he asked if I might like to buy a house together. I’m sure I had a big grin on my face when I told him that I would love that! Then he added that of course he would want to marry me! My grin got even bigger!

We started looking at more houses and I decided not to remodel my kitchen. Instead I started getting it ready to sell.

Even before the conversation at the model home we had talked hypothetically about moving in together. Bruce’s house was nice but it had limited parking and that would not work for family get-togethers! My house made more sense but I worried that it would be hard for Bruce to feel like it was his home. We decided it would be better to move to a house that was ours together.

Next step, find our new home. I’ll tell you all about it in my next post!

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Unexpected Love Story Part 1 – We Meet

A year after Patrick died I wrote about my experience so far. In One Year Later I described what it felt like to be going on a familiar path and then having everything change in the blink of an eye. I tried to describe how, in the midst of so much sadness, there were still moments of unexpected happiness.

As I entered the second year I started thinking about dating. I have to say that I probably had the idea that I would find someone I was comfortable with, who would be a good companion. They might have faults but I would put up with them because I hated being alone. I didn’t even dare to hope that I would actually find someone I could truly love!

Bruce and I met on OK Cupid last August. I don’t remember who contacted the other first but we not swiped right and started talking on Monday, August 13th (Happy Birthday Shayna Danell 😉). Here is one of his profile pics. I love that it says we like each other!

I seem to remember that we switched to phone calls early on, which I really enjoyed. His profile said he lived in Clovis so I asked him what part of town and he told me his cross streets were Ashlan and Locan and those also happen to be my cross streets! 👀 👀 I think I might have actually looked out the window at that point. 😂 Fortunately he wasn’t a stalker and had lived just across Locan from me for the last 4 years. In fact we have lived less than a mile from each other for the last 16 years. Our kids were in different grades but went to all the same schools together! We made plans to go to dinner that Saturday night but as that got closer I suggested that we meet for coffee on Friday. I met him at Starbucks and we were so comfortable that he suggested we go to dinner. He gave me the option of taking separate cars but of course I wanted to ride in his cute little convertible!

The next night he picked me up for the dinner date we had originally planned. Once again, we were enjoying each other’s company so much that we decided to extend the date and go see a movie (Crazy Rich Asians). From that point on we talked multiple times per day and saw each other almost daily, sometimes walking the short distance between our houses. Usually we would meet in the middle.

I want to get this story right so I decided to divide it up into several parts. I will post more tomorrow!

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Like it was yesterday…and also a lifetime ago

Twenty seven years ago today! I remember the day so clearly! I was probably awake in bed, too excited to sleep. My dad spent the night in the apartment with me and that was really nice. Patrick was at his parent’s house. The day and really the rest of my life were planned out perfectly. Large wedding with everyone we loved. ✔️ Honeymoon cruise. ✔️ Buy a house ✔️ Two to three kids in four to five years. ✔️

I could go on and on. I’ve said it before. ALL of my dreams came true except one, to grow old together. And I think the fact that I was so happy and had such a good life has enabled me to move forward and remember him with smiles instead of tears.

It’s difficult to sort out my feelings these days. I have so much to be thankful for and I’ve experienced love and happiness that I didn’t think was possible. But I still have moments where I think, “Oh yeah, THAT happened”. I don’t think those will ever completely go away and I probably wouldn’t want them to. I’m grateful that Bruce is comfortable with me talking to him about Patrick. I couldn’t handle having to suppress those feelings!

I finally got all of the work on the house finished and it sold in TWO DAYS!!! It’s a little crazy that I made the house so nice and now I’m leaving! And I do have a lot of memories here but I feel that it’s time to start fresh. I can’t wait to move into our new home, probably in about two weeks!!!

In one week I finish my last non-practicum class! Then I start my practicum and I will officially be counseling! People will trust me with their mental well being! I hope I’m up to the task!

So what would Patrick say about all this? He would make some self-deprecating comment about Bruce. Maybe he would say that it’s about time I got a decent man. Then he would ask if he could drive Bruce’s convertible! He might say he always knew I would trade him in for a newer model but he’s not surprised I picked another 1967 model. Because that was an awesome year!

I think he would like my career choice. It’s not something we ever discussed so who knows?

Happy Anniversary Patrick! I will always love you!

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Joy

My word of the year never really seemed to fit. Yes, there are things I want to build on, but another word chose me. A few years ago I went on a field trip with Camille to an Asian museum in San Francisco. I found a book called, “Tidying Up – The Japanese Art of Decluttering”. Decluttering has been a goal of mine for some time so I bought the book and started reading it on the bus ride back to Clovis. Then I got home, got busy with life, and forgot about it.

I spent a lot of time uncluttering during the first months after Patrick died. Having the house more organized was good for my mental state. And making small changes in the house was also good. In fact, I think it was part of the grieving process. Making changes helped a lot and I wrote several blogs about it.

All the things we accumulate

Calming the chaos

Decluttering worked for a while but I was just scratching the surface. I needed more inspiration!

Right after I met Bruce I had a small flood at my house and my house has not been back to normal since then. Did I mention that Bruce doesn’t like clutter? It’s amazing that he can even spend time in my house. Fortunately I want to live a clutter-free life so that has been my focus. Several months ago I noticed a new series on Netflix called “Tidying Up with Marie Kondo”. I was intrigued by it, especially when I realized she was the author of the book I had bought! I began watching the show and committed myself to the Konmari method! I’ve probably watched each episode at least 10 times! I keep it on in the background while I declutter in the hope that it will imprint on my subconscious! 😂 😝 😆

The basic premise of the Konmari method is that you only keep items that bring you joy. Some of it sounds really corny but it has been a great method for me. It’s not a quick fix. You go through one category at a time so you have to be patient and disciplined. But it works! If you want to try it, watch her show on Netflix or buy one of her books! I highly recommend them!

I can’t stress enough how much this decluttering helps my mood and stress levels!

I had to pause the tidying up a bit because I am getting the house ready to sale. That means fresh paint and new flooring. So I’ve been moving things from one room to another, packing things up to put in storage, and getting rid of things. And of course I’ve found a lot of memories. 💕 And they definitely bring me joy!

Here are a few pics of my progress and some of the memories I found.

Before and after pics of organizing my drawers.
One of many trips to the Salvation Army.
Patrick at Footlocker Nationals with the Mikel t-shirts we wore. Thank you Lisa for giving us all a photo cd in 2004!
As I was deciding if this book brought me joy, a photo fell out.
This is my grandpa, and the picture brought me joy! The book is a keeper!
From Lisa’s cd, Patrick holding Katie! ❤️
Patrick and Travis at one of our 4th of July parties!
My newly painted front door!
Progress and a little chaos!
New carpet in my bedroom!
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Happy Birthday Mr. Sandwich

Today Is Patrick’s 52nd birthday. I can’t believe that this is the third birthday we’ve spent without him. So much has changed but it still seems like yesterday.

I couldn’t be with both girls this year. Sierra has something going on for school. So Bruce and I drove to Davis to be with Camille for Picnic Day, which is a lot of fun!

Camille took us around downtown for a while last night. She was narrating while walking and I’m sure her dad would have loved it. At one point we realized we were at the edge of downtown and needed to turn back. Then she looked in the window of the building we were walking by and there was Zoltar! There are always little reminders of Patrick.

The Zoltar arcade fortune teller was in the movie Big and was the reason Tom Hanks’ character turned into an adult. Patrick thought it was a cool sounding name so he liked to use it he called in an order for sandwiches, especially if someone else was picking it up. He always had to be different. 🙂 When he signed up for the Port of Subs discount card he put his name as Mr. Sandwich. One time he wanted Camille to pick up Port of Subs and she didn’t want to go alone. He agreed to go with her if she would walk in and say, “I am Zoltar”. She agreed and off they went. When they walked in they said, “for Zoltar”? Camille knew she could probably be off the hook but her dad wouldn’t have let her off that easy so she said, “I am Zoltar”. Patrick went to pay and gave him his phone number and the cashier looked surprised and said “Mr. Sandwich?” Patrick replied without missing a beat, “Yes, and this is my daughter, Zoltar”. That guy…

We’ve had a nice day so far. Camille loves it here and I can only imagine how proud he would be of her. I’m glad that we have so many great memories of Patrick! Happy Birthday Mr. Sandwich! I will always love you!!!

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#DONTDRIVEDUMB – 12/31/16

Happy New Year’s Eve! Tonight I’m celebrating with most of Patrick’s family in Grover Beach. I’m in a much better place than I was 2 years ago but this is still a timely reminder to be safe!

Happy New Year’s Eve everyone! Tonight I will be alone at midnight because someone chose to drive while impaired. My resolution for 2017 is to devote time and energy to prevent this from happening to others. Luckily I don’t have to reinvent the wheel in order to make a difference. I am in contact with www.wesavelives.org and will be working with them to see what I can do to make a difference. I challenge all of you to also do what you can to make a difference. Here are some suggestions:

1- #DONTDRIVEDUMB – This is a no brainer but it’s obviously still a problem. If you are impaired in any way, legally or not, don’t get behind the wheel of a car. 

2- Don’t be afraid – it might be uncomfortable to call someone out if they are clearly impaired and getting ready to drive. But it’s probably a lot more uncomfortable knowing you could have prevented a tragedy. Suck it up Buttercup! Take a stand and tell them not to drive! Here is a link to some helpful hints, including intervention techniques: www.wesavelives.org/its-party-time/

3- Take the Courage to Intervene pledge https://wesavelives.org/campaigns/the-courage-to-intervene/

4- Watch and share this video – https://youtu.be/mAFpkKL6c6w

5- Learn more – www.wesavelives.org/3ds/drugged-driving/

6- Donate – In memory of Patrick or any other victim of drunk, drugged or distracted driving www.wesavelives.org/donate/

Be safe out there tonight! Life is precious!

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Time helps

I finished a class today so I decided to take a look at my blog. I still have a lot of posts to move over from Tumblr. In the first year, I wrote often. I was constantly bombarded with emotions and writing things down seemed to help more than anything.

Lately I seem to have less time. School requires more focus, and I spend most of my free time with Bruce 😊. This doesn’t mean that I never think about Patrick or that I am “over” my grief. But time does help.

I stopped moving Tumblr posts over when I got to holiday posts and it was summer time. Now that it is December I’m going to try and catch up. Maybe I will even move them all!

As I look back on the words I wrote in 2016, I remember the fresh pain and the feeling that it would never be okay again. But I took baby steps and got through it one day at a time. And I’m happy to say that strategy has helped. Friends and family have helped. But mainly the passage of time has helped.

This past weekend I celebrated my 51st birthday at Disneyland. Bruce and I were there for three days and Sierra joined us at the park on Saturday. We had a wonderful time! I’m embarrassed to say that I did end up in a wheelchair for half of my birthday. Friday Bruce and I had over 20,000 steps and I was exhausted! On the way to the hotel we stopped at a mini mart for a Diet Pepsi and then I promptly missed a curb and landed mainly on my knee. My soda did not survive. 😂

Bruce took great care of me! I iced and took ibuprofen and felt pretty good Saturday until midday. Then I tried to rent a scooter and they were out so Sierra and Bruce agreed to push me around in a wheelchair. They were troopers but there are some serious hills in Frontierland and I am not a small woman. 🥴 They survived and I was able to walk again on Sunday. The good news is that Bruce didn’t run for the hills! He’s still putting up with me but he’s developed this habit of shouting CURB whenever we are anywhere near one. I guess I deserve that. 😂😂😂 He’s also wondering why I am gravity challenged around my birthday. Lol

I’ve been to Disneyland five times since Patrick died. I love Disneyland but it’s always bittersweet because of the memories I have there. And everywhere I turned I saw young lovers who reminded me of times Patrick and I went before the girls were born. Or I would see a father lifting a small daughter onto a ride and remember Patrick loving the joy on his daughter’s faces when we went. Bruce has his own bittersweet memories. Although we’ve had different journeys, we both ended up without our spouses. Being there with him made this visit different. The memories were still there, but they were softened by the knowledge that I am making new memories with someone I love, who also loves me. ❤️❤️❤️

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It’s Not About Me

I’m currently learning about tests and assessments in counseling. I was excited when the instructor mentioned that we would be studying statistics since I really enjoyed my statistics class at Fresno State! Unfortunately, I have forgotten a lot in the 28 years since I graduated (that makes me feel really old)!

Math was always one of my better subjects. I did well and enjoyed it until I took trigonometry. I never took calculus. I enjoy basic calculations and geometry was fun but when the formulas start getting complicated and there’s a lot of funny looking letters and big words, it makes my brain hurt! Thank goodness the girls both appear to have inherited their math aptitude from Patrick!

Over the last few years I have learned that I don’t have to be an expert at anything. I can’t always figure everything out and I definitely can’t fix everything. We all just do the best that we can.

I will always be grateful for all of the support I got after Patrick died. And this makes me want to be someone who is always supportive and there for people. This is not always easy.

Lately I’ve felt a little selfish because things have been going well for me while others in my life have had struggles. I don’t always know what to say or do and suddenly I will realize that it’s been days since I’ve checked in on someone important. This happened with a good friend and I apologized that I hadn’t checked in on her. She told me there was no need to apologize, she knew she could reach out when she needed me.

I’m glad that my friend reassured me. She reminded me that I have a lot of friends like that too. I’ve had people apologize that they haven’t been there for me more and it always surprises me. I am blessed with a huge circle of friends and family. I don’t have to talk to everyone all the time but I know I can reach out when I need to.

I have friends that seem to know what I need without asking and I definitely want to be that kind of friend too. But I also really appreciate the friends who I don’t necessarily talk to all the time but they would be here if I needed them.

Many people have a need to “fix” things. I’m guilty of this too. When someone is hurting, I would love to be able to take away their pain. I sometimes agonize over what to do to make them feel better. Frequently the answer is that there is absolutely nothing I can do. I don’t like that answer and I try to think of an unexpected way that I can help. Or maybe I just need to be there, in person, to make them feel better. The thing I have to tell myself is this………

It’s not about me.

Me feeling better does not change what this person is going through. I may need to do something but….

It’s NOT about me.

So, my words of wisdom for the day:

If someone you care about is going through some type of adversity, be there for them. Ask them what you can do. It’s okay to anticipate needs. Listen to them. And know that there are times when we all need time alone to process what is going on. This is normal and healthy. Sometimes what you can do to help is step back and give them space. It’s that simple.

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I Choose Happy!❤️❤️❤️

I’m in my last week of a class called “Spousal & Child Abuse, Crisis and Trauma Counseling”. I was a little surprised that we weren’t even studying the chapter on bereavement. I think there is a certain expectation that everyone just knows how to handle grief. I’ve learned that is not the case. People have a wide range of reactions to death and no one can really prepare you for it. When you are dealing with it, no one can really tell you how to do it either. For the most part, you find your own way, hopefully with the help of friends and family.

I chose to read the chapter on bereavement. I’m interested because it’s what I’ve been dealing with but also because I would like to be a crisis and trauma counselor and bereavement will be a part of that. Most of you are probably familiar with the “Stages of Death and Dying”. I really think those stages apply to people facing a terminal diagnosis. They can be applied to bereavement also but some of them don’t seem to fit very well. In my textbook I found a newer 4 stage guideline by J. William Worden:

    Accept the loss – At first, this seemed almost offensive to me. But it doesn’t mean you agree with it, just that it happened. This also means that it’s not necessarily healthy to pretend nothing happened. Removing or avoiding reminders does not make it go away. I learned to make small changes that acknowledged the loss without being startling.
    Experience the pain – Grief can be overwhelming! I know that I tried to avoid the pain a lot but it would always hit me when I least expected it. I finally learned to allow myself time to feel it and just let out the emotions. I haven’t needed a good cry in a long time but it certainly helped when I needed it! I found that it helped to know things that would trigger a good cry, and to give myself permission to let it all out.
    Adjust to an environment without the person – grieving families will sometimes try to leave things “as is” in an attempt to honor the deceased. For me, it helped to make minor changes, a little at a time. My mind needed that to remind me that he was gone but I was still there. And I was okay. I didn’t want to be stuck in one place, it would have been dreary to never move forward. I’m not saying that’s how everyone should do it, but it worked for me. Two plus years out I am ready to make larger changes. I’m planning some remodeling but I won’t change everything at once. Baby steps.
    Reinvest emotional energy in other relationships – This one is really important. At first it meant strengthening my connection with all of my family and close friends. Then it expanded to new friends, especially my fellow widows. Now it has progressed to a new relationship. I have a lot of love to give. And I know that Patrick would want me to be happy. I haven’t moved on, I have moved forward.

I could spend my days wrapped up in memories of the years I had with Patrick. This wouldn’t be a horrible thing to do. I have a lot of great memories! But if that is all I did, I would spend a lot of time being sad and missing him. I don’t want to be sad all the time. I choose happy! And I think he would approve!

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Four U-Hauls and an Empty Nest!!!

Since July 2nd I have rented four different U-Hauls! I’ve driven around town and gone north, south, and west. I knew this would be a busy summer but it didn’t turn out exactly as I thought and that’s a good thing!

I’ll start with the second U-Haul. On August 12th, after a week in Catalina and a wedding, we headed to LA to move Sierra to Loyola Law. It was a quick trip! Zio Matt drove the U-Haul and I was grateful that I didn’t have to! Aunt Denise tagged along and we got her moved in to a beautiful apartment. A month later she is studying hard and enjoying the experience!

The third U-Haul was a cargo van that I rented to take Camille to school. After all my past U-Haul drama, I finally found Rodeo Rentals. The owner is excellent! I was supposed to rent a trailer to tow but I did not have the correct lights on my car so he helped me decide the next best option, which was the easy to drive cargo van. The bonus of the cargo van was the extra space I had to bring IKEA purchases home. More on that later! Camille got settled in and is all ready to start school next week!

So the dreaded empty nest has happened! And I’ve barely had time to think about it! A series of things have happened that have made it a little easier to deal with my empty nest!

Patrick took good care of me and that carried on after he died. The decisions he made have enabled me to have a secure future and I’m very blessed that this has given me opportunities. The biggest opportunity yet came in late June when I went into escrow on a family beach house with my sister and brother-in-law. This is not something Patrick and I would have been able to do but he would have absolutely loved it! I’m so excited about the family trips in the future! Buying and furnishing the house has been fun!

After our offer was accepted we began making plans. I gave up my garage to store the furniture we began accumulating, beginning with an epic Costco trip on July 2nd that required a U-Haul to get our purchases home!

We thought it was going to be a quick escrow but there’s always some sort of snag. So, after a lot of false alarms we officially closed last week, the day I moved Camille to Davis. The trip to IKEA, to get a desk for Camille, morphed into a three hour shopping experience, mainly to get things for my room at the beach house (see picture below).

On Saturday we packed up the fourth U-Haul and drove to the beach house. There is still a lot of work left but we mostly moved in last weekend. I was fortunate that I was able to take my computer and do my school work while I worked on getting everything hooked up.

I still can’t believe how blessed I am to be a part owner of a beach house. Sometimes I feel a tiny bit guilty that I am finding joy in life. This is not what I had planned but I am 100% sure that I have Patrick’s blessing.

Just in case I started feeling too special, reality struck and my Clovis house was semi-flooded when a toilet valve broke. I left paradise and came home to loud fans and musty smells! And guess what? It was not the end of the world and nowhere near the worst thing that has happened to me. Denise and Denny came through just like they always do! Denny shut the water off and Denise dealt with the plumber and the cleanup people until I could get home. I’m not sure what’s going to happen as far as damage and cleanup but I will just deal with it as it comes up.

I’m reluctant to share this next part because I don’t want to jinx it. Right after I moved Sierra to LA, I met someone really special. His name is Bruce. We are enjoying getting to know each other and he is bravely meeting my big, crazy family. His first introduction was a teNyenhuis family get together. And, he was able to help with the beach house move and really get to know my siblings and one set of parents. They loved him! Tomorrow, he’s going to the Boyles family reunion with me! He deserves more than a short little paragraph and I’m sure I’ll write more in the future.

So, it’s been a busy, crazy, wonderful summer. I’m excited to see the girls following their dreams and I am very blessed that the good things happening made it a little easier to face the dreaded empty nest! Hopefully things will slow a little more and I will have more time to write. For now, thank you for always being there for me! ❤️❤️❤️