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Triggers

I’m supposed to be sleeping. I’m supposed to be in a good place. I’m happy and I have an amazing husband. I also apparently have some unresolved grief.

On Sunday, when I saw the breaking news alert about Kobe Bryant, I immediately thought of my good friends Lisa Walthall and Diana Durham. They are both huge Lakers fans and they’ve each taken me to Lakers games. I imagined that it would hit them hard. I enjoy any professional sports but I don’t really follow them a lot. I ran downstairs to tell Bruce the news and then I sat down in front of the TV and obsessively watched the news for hours. And I got sadder and sadder. Sierra texted Camille and I to say “I love you”. I asked if they had heard the news and they had and Sierra said that’s why she had texted. We texted back and forth a bit about how awful it was and then I continued watching the news.

I tend to be a news junkie when something bad happens. I worried that Bruce would think I was obsessed but honestly I WAS obsessed! Who was in the helicopter with him? How many children did he have? Were they with him? at first the news said there were five people. This is going to sound terrible but at one point I thought he had 3 kids. So, if he happened to be the pilot of his helicopter, it was possible he was flying the whole family. So then I was agonizing over whether or not they would all be in there. As horrible as that would have been, it would have meant that no one was left behind. Then I found out he had 4 daughters and I felt sick at the thought that possibly one member of the family was left behind. What if it was a kid? How do you come back from that?

After several hours I started realizing that I had probably watched enough. I was going to turn off the tv but I watched a news conference first. And they said there were 9 people on the plane!!! Once again I obsessed over the possible scenarios, each worse than the others. Finally I turned off the tv, spent time with Bruce and tried to feel better. By then it was evening. I went to bed wondering why this was hitting me so hard.

Once in bed, I still couldn’t sleep. I thought about Nancy Saltzman, who loss her husband and two sons in a plane crash. I credit her book, Radical Survivor, for giving me hope in those early days. I was positive that if I had lost Patrick AND the girls, I would not have wanted to live without them. If Nancy could survive that, surely I could survive losing my husband and still having my daughters.

I checked Nancy’s Facebook page and she hadn’t posted anything but she had shared a post from Michelle Neff Hernandez, who I recognized as the founder of Soaring Spirits International, a support group for widows and widowers. I’m putting a link to the full message below but basically it talked about wondering how Vanessa Bryant was coping and recognizing that some of us have gone through similar losses.

Facebook Post

After reading that, everything fell into place. Even though this tragedy was not the exact circumstances, it was close enough to trigger painful memories. I also know I’m not alone, many of my fellow widows and others who have lost loved ones were also feeling incredibly sad.

I drove to work Monday wondering if I was fit to do counseling. I have an ethical duty to monitor my fitness to counsel. I felt ok but I also continued to monitor myself. At one point I talked to my coworker, Andrew, and shared what I was feeling. He validated my feelings and reassured me. That night I talked a bit more about what I had been feeling and Bruce thanked me for sharing and asked how he could help. Did I mention that he is wonderful?

As the week wore on I wasn’t really feeling any better. I talked about it during supervision at work and decided I should probably go back to counseling myself. I’m realizing that there are certain parts of this journey that I have not let myself feel. It’s easy to do. In fact, people told me I was doing it and I really didn’t believe them. Sometimes suppressing feelings is a survival mechanism and I did what I needed to do. But I pushed a lot deep inside me and now it needs to get out.

Last night I was at a low point and I cuddled up with Bruce and told him the story of that day. I thought I had already told him. I thought I talked about it all the time. But apparently I mainly share happy memories. I shared all of the really painful ones and had a good cry. It was a good start to a new journey I have to take. Since I’m a counselor now I’ve decided that this is a learning opportunity for me. I’m going to try a few different approaches and I’m going to try and write more, since that really helps me. As always, thank you to everyone for your support. ❤️❤️❤️

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Like it was yesterday…and also a lifetime ago

Twenty seven years ago today! I remember the day so clearly! I was probably awake in bed, too excited to sleep. My dad spent the night in the apartment with me and that was really nice. Patrick was at his parent’s house. The day and really the rest of my life were planned out perfectly. Large wedding with everyone we loved. ✔️ Honeymoon cruise. ✔️ Buy a house ✔️ Two to three kids in four to five years. ✔️

I could go on and on. I’ve said it before. ALL of my dreams came true except one, to grow old together. And I think the fact that I was so happy and had such a good life has enabled me to move forward and remember him with smiles instead of tears.

It’s difficult to sort out my feelings these days. I have so much to be thankful for and I’ve experienced love and happiness that I didn’t think was possible. But I still have moments where I think, “Oh yeah, THAT happened”. I don’t think those will ever completely go away and I probably wouldn’t want them to. I’m grateful that Bruce is comfortable with me talking to him about Patrick. I couldn’t handle having to suppress those feelings!

I finally got all of the work on the house finished and it sold in TWO DAYS!!! It’s a little crazy that I made the house so nice and now I’m leaving! And I do have a lot of memories here but I feel that it’s time to start fresh. I can’t wait to move into our new home, probably in about two weeks!!!

In one week I finish my last non-practicum class! Then I start my practicum and I will officially be counseling! People will trust me with their mental well being! I hope I’m up to the task!

So what would Patrick say about all this? He would make some self-deprecating comment about Bruce. Maybe he would say that it’s about time I got a decent man. Then he would ask if he could drive Bruce’s convertible! He might say he always knew I would trade him in for a newer model but he’s not surprised I picked another 1967 model. Because that was an awesome year!

I think he would like my career choice. It’s not something we ever discussed so who knows?

Happy Anniversary Patrick! I will always love you!

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Joy

My word of the year never really seemed to fit. Yes, there are things I want to build on, but another word chose me. A few years ago I went on a field trip with Camille to an Asian museum in San Francisco. I found a book called, “Tidying Up – The Japanese Art of Decluttering”. Decluttering has been a goal of mine for some time so I bought the book and started reading it on the bus ride back to Clovis. Then I got home, got busy with life, and forgot about it.

I spent a lot of time uncluttering during the first months after Patrick died. Having the house more organized was good for my mental state. And making small changes in the house was also good. In fact, I think it was part of the grieving process. Making changes helped a lot and I wrote several blogs about it.

All the things we accumulate

Calming the chaos

Decluttering worked for a while but I was just scratching the surface. I needed more inspiration!

Right after I met Bruce I had a small flood at my house and my house has not been back to normal since then. Did I mention that Bruce doesn’t like clutter? It’s amazing that he can even spend time in my house. Fortunately I want to live a clutter-free life so that has been my focus. Several months ago I noticed a new series on Netflix called “Tidying Up with Marie Kondo”. I was intrigued by it, especially when I realized she was the author of the book I had bought! I began watching the show and committed myself to the Konmari method! I’ve probably watched each episode at least 10 times! I keep it on in the background while I declutter in the hope that it will imprint on my subconscious! 😂 😝 😆

The basic premise of the Konmari method is that you only keep items that bring you joy. Some of it sounds really corny but it has been a great method for me. It’s not a quick fix. You go through one category at a time so you have to be patient and disciplined. But it works! If you want to try it, watch her show on Netflix or buy one of her books! I highly recommend them!

I can’t stress enough how much this decluttering helps my mood and stress levels!

I had to pause the tidying up a bit because I am getting the house ready to sale. That means fresh paint and new flooring. So I’ve been moving things from one room to another, packing things up to put in storage, and getting rid of things. And of course I’ve found a lot of memories. 💕 And they definitely bring me joy!

Here are a few pics of my progress and some of the memories I found.

Before and after pics of organizing my drawers.

One of many trips to the Salvation Army.

Patrick at Footlocker Nationals with the Mikel t-shirts we wore. Thank you Lisa for giving us all a photo cd in 2004!

As I was deciding if this book brought me joy, a photo fell out.

This is my grandpa, and the picture brought me joy! The book is a keeper!

From Lisa’s cd, Patrick holding Katie! ❤️

Patrick and Travis at one of our 4th of July parties!

My newly painted front door!

Progress and a little chaos!

New carpet in my bedroom!

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Time helps

I finished a class today so I decided to take a look at my blog. I still have a lot of posts to move over from Tumblr. In the first year, I wrote often. I was constantly bombarded with emotions and writing things down seemed to help more than anything.

Lately I seem to have less time. School requires more focus, and I spend most of my free time with Bruce 😊. This doesn’t mean that I never think about Patrick or that I am “over” my grief. But time does help.

I stopped moving Tumblr posts over when I got to holiday posts and it was summer time. Now that it is December I’m going to try and catch up. Maybe I will even move them all!

As I look back on the words I wrote in 2016, I remember the fresh pain and the feeling that it would never be okay again. But I took baby steps and got through it one day at a time. And I’m happy to say that strategy has helped. Friends and family have helped. But mainly the passage of time has helped.

This past weekend I celebrated my 51st birthday at Disneyland. Bruce and I were there for three days and Sierra joined us at the park on Saturday. We had a wonderful time! I’m embarrassed to say that I did end up in a wheelchair for half of my birthday. Friday Bruce and I had over 20,000 steps and I was exhausted! On the way to the hotel we stopped at a mini mart for a Diet Pepsi and then I promptly missed a curb and landed mainly on my knee. My soda did not survive. 😂

Bruce took great care of me! I iced and took ibuprofen and felt pretty good Saturday until midday. Then I tried to rent a scooter and they were out so Sierra and Bruce agreed to push me around in a wheelchair. They were troopers but there are some serious hills in Frontierland and I am not a small woman. 🥴 They survived and I was able to walk again on Sunday. The good news is that Bruce didn’t run for the hills! He’s still putting up with me but he’s developed this habit of shouting CURB whenever we are anywhere near one. I guess I deserve that. 😂😂😂 He’s also wondering why I am gravity challenged around my birthday. Lol

I’ve been to Disneyland five times since Patrick died. I love Disneyland but it’s always bittersweet because of the memories I have there. And everywhere I turned I saw young lovers who reminded me of times Patrick and I went before the girls were born. Or I would see a father lifting a small daughter onto a ride and remember Patrick loving the joy on his daughter’s faces when we went. Bruce has his own bittersweet memories. Although we’ve had different journeys, we both ended up without our spouses. Being there with him made this visit different. The memories were still there, but they were softened by the knowledge that I am making new memories with someone I love, who also loves me. ❤️❤️❤️

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Why would I need a smart phone?

If you knew Patrick, you know that he never wanted to be trendy. Sometimes it seemed like he was against something just to have something to debate about. He always claimed to hate his cell phone and regularly threatened to get rid of it.

I can’t remember exactly when he got his first cell phone but I’m pretty sure I bought it when he was taking the bus on a road trip. Breaking down was always a possibility and I wanted him to be able to call for help. I’m kind of amazed that I ever got him to carry it!

He really didn’t like to talk on the phone that much, unless it was to annoy a telemarketer or catch up with a relative or old friend. He constantly threatened to get rid of that phone and I told him I would just buy another one. He liked to keep them as long as possible. I always wanted him to upgrade so he could do things like take pictures and also just to make it easier to text.

Once, he went fishing at Shaver and he put his phone in his pocket. He stood up on the boat for something and the phone dropped into the lake, never to be seen again. He texted or called me from Dina’s phone to let me know what had happened. I loaded the girls up and headed to the phone store for a replacement. I knew if I waited for him he would refuse to get one!

His final phone was a flip phone. It was out of style when he got it. We liked to tease him about it and he would act offended. Then he would start in on all the reasons his phone was actually better. I’m sure he had a lot of reasons but I remember that being cheaper was one of them. Also, he bragged about how small his phone was.

Of course, if he ever wanted to know any trivia or obscure information he would say, “What are you waiting for, someone look that up”. And I would tell him he should get his own smart phone. His response? Why would I need a smart phone? I already pay for three of them!

Ironically I think he would have really enjoyed the features on a smart phone. He would have liked taking pictures and he probably would have enjoyed having better quality pictures of the girls on his phone to show people. And he definitely would have appreciated the easier texting. I used to laugh as he struggled through typing a long text. One time we were talking about sending a message to Sierra. So he starts the painstaking process of hitting each key multiple times. I couldn’t help it, I gave him a fairly long head start…then I picked up my iPhone, spoke the message into it, and hit send before he could finish. He wasn’t amused, lol.

He liked to tell everyone how awesome his phone was. He extolled the virtues of the flip phone and the fact that it folded up so small. The phone DID have internet access but the screen was so small, I’m not sure how easy it would have been to use.

The phone’s most useful feature, according to Patrick, was something that he liked to demonstrate, usually while sitting in a restaurant. He would proudly state, “How many of you can put your entire phone in your mouth?” And then he would proceed to demonstrate.

Camille was the first to point out that he made it his entire life without getting a smart phone. He would be really proud of that.

I’ve been wondering about the flip phone for two years. I knew it was evidence in the case but I never wanted to ask about it. I finally got it back in July. I plugged it in to charge, not sure if it would work but I could tell it was charging right away.

After a few hours I was able to spend some time looking through it. It was a bit of a challenge after using an iPhone for so many years. I was surprised that it had Bluetooth in addition to internet access when he used it. I turned off the service after he died so I can’t access that now. There were also several pictures of the girls and some probably don’t exist anywhere else. At some point I will take the SIM card in to see if there is a way to get the pictures off of it. In my next post I will tell you more about what I found on the phone. As I had hoped and expected, there were some gems. 😊

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Celebrating Patrick

Every year, for his birthday, Patrick liked to take a guys trip. Usually he went with his “only friend” Joe. Matt usually joined them and Gabe did occasionally. Usually they went camping. Some years they went to Shaver Lake. Other years they went to the beach. He just wanted to relax, maybe do some fishing and drink beer.

I was thinking about these trips, wondering if I should have gone… Of course, in hindsight I would go back and take advantage of any opportunities to spend time with him. But I never felt that I was being a bad wife by not going. I’m sure he would have allowed me to go but he never really expected me to. And the truth was, this was his gift to himself, a little break from all his responsibilities.

There is a known tendency, among widows, to idealize, or sanctify their late spouse. I’m sure I do this to some degree but I do try to be real. Patrick was by no means perfect but he was definitely a wonderful husband and father. I’m happy that we took these little breaks from each other. It reminded us of all the time apart early in our relationship and made us appreciate our time together.

Yesterday would have been Patrick’s 51st Birthday. So, he really should have been camping this weekend. I’ve been a little emotional at times this week. At times I will have random thoughts or random anger. I try not to spend too much time on the anger but I admit that I am angry at times. His death was so random and unfair and if I really stop and think about it I am just so angry that it happened. Earlier in the week I was in the drive-thru at Taco Bell and I started thinking about Patrick and getting sad. I looked up and there were yellow flowers. They always make me think of him. 🙂

I like to add funny stories so I’m going to add my niece Shayna’s post. She actually posted this the day of his funeral but reposted it yesterday. I have no idea why he had these but it was classic Patrick!

Last night we had a huge get together and it was really nice to all be there and share our love. In a way, I’m glad that his birthday is a week before the dreaded anniversary of the day he died. We can always celebrate his life on his birthday! We will think of him next week but last night was a happy time! I am so grateful for our family! Here are some pictures!

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Calming the chaos – 1/13/17

This was originally published on my Tumblr blog and I hadn’t moved it over yet. I’m moving it now to go with a new post on the same topic!

In the aftermath of Patrick’s death there has been ongoing disorganization in my household. The initial disorganization was the chaos in my mind as I struggled to take what was once my dependable life and reorganize it into an unexpected future. I call this widow fog or grief fog and it still reappears at times.

Disorganization is actually a really good word for the mental state I have been in. Since early in our relationship we had been on this life path that was pretty carefully planned out. The plan went on and on but suddenly he was gone. I’m still trying to process the fact that the original plan is finished and the new plan is not complete. The remaining items in the plan mainly involved the girls. Get them through school, hopefully marriage someday and eventually grandchildren. Those things will still happen, just not as planned. The more obvious disorganization is in the house.

On the day he died and for weeks afterward I ceased to care about my house. Aside from my initial concern that it was cluttered, once the worst was confirmed I simply didn’t care. Other people took care of things. People brought food and things like water, paper plates, paper towels… different people cleaned up. Items found temporary new homes. Things needed to be done and everyone knew I didn’t care where they put the dishes after they were washed. I caused some disorganization as I searched for pictures and other items to display at the service. I was obsessed with capturing his essence and I seem to keep pictures in a lot of different places. I also spent time going through drawers and boxes looking for things. I didn’t care about putting things back exactly as I found them. We are approaching 9 months and I am still disentangling the chaos. Sometimes I just don’t understand how there is still so much.

The garage especially confounds me. Patrick had a weight machine in the garage. The area around it had to be clear in order for him to workout, which he did multiple times each week. That area is now one big pile of confusion. I finally figured out that there was a home for everything but Patrick’s preferred method of storage was based on the game Tetris. I’m convinced that there is only one way to put things back and only he knew that.

Some things belong in hard to reach places or involve a feat of physical strength to get them put away. Like most garages we probably need about 1/5 of the things we have in there. And I guarantee you that Patrick would have said it was a smaller number. A tenth, or even smaller. He always joked about renting a dumpster and putting most of what we own in it because, “We have too much stuff”.

I have a housekeeper now and I know he would definitely have an opinion about this. In fact I know what his opinion was. Even though we never had a housekeeper he always said that people had to clean up before the housekeeper came. Once this was done, why do you need a housekeeper? I am paying them to clean toilets, vacuum and dust. The biggest service they are providing is motivation. Every two weeks everything needs to be in it’s “home”, ready for the housekeepers. So far this has been accomplished by having a few off limits rooms. Last time I made it my mission to get the sunroom at a point where they could at least clean most of it. The loft/office area is next on the list.

I really can’t stress enough what a mental boost it is to have things clean and organized. Maybe it is just me and other people wouldn’t care? I try to go to Goodwill every week or two. I know I could have a garage sale but I am not willing to store items in anticipation of that. Sometimes you need to do it in stages. I did some organizing and downsizing in the kitchen over the summer and I am planning to do it again at some point. This week I tackled the spice cabinet, which was ridiculous! Who thought up the Tupperware spice containers? I had the full set, carefully labeled with various spices. I don’t normally cook very much! Patrick pretty much used salt, pepper, garlic and hot sauce. And did you know that most spices are really only good for around 12 months! I had no clue! And the spice companies are smart! A lot of them are not labeled with a use by date. So, you’re already at a disadvantage and then you put them in a Tupperware container with no date!!!??? I threw out at least 4/5 of the spices in the cabinet. I’m too embarrassed to tell you the oldest confirmed date on a spice but it was older than Sierra. 😂😂😂 And seriously, I bet the Tupperware ones were even older!

Yesterday I was working on the loft, going through pictures and greeting cards. I have a lot of random unused cards. I like to keep some on hand but I also forget to take them with a gift so I found several age specific children’s cards and I set them aside even though I probably won’t remember that I already have a card for a 2 year old’s birthday. I also found “To The Special Man I married”. I know there are more like this. We didn’t always make a big fuss about birthdays and I always intended to give him his card… But life is busy and a card for your spouse is not one that you quickly sign. There is so much to say. I really wish I had taken the time to write those words and give him that card. I’m not going to dwell on it, he knew I loved him. But if I had it to do over again…

Today I will organize a little more and I will keep working on it until everything has a place and is neatly stored there. Hopefully the organization will clear a little more of the fog. I need to be able to see what lies ahead on my new path.

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New holiday memories – 11/30/16

Originally posted on 11/30/16

Today I have the post-vacation blues. I have been looking forward to our Thanksgiving trip for months and it was everything I hoped for. We all had a great time and really enjoyed being together but I knew it would never be long enough. Ending vacation is sort of a lesser type of mourning. You make big plans, anticipate all of the fun things you are going to do and wish it could last forever. When it’s over you mourn but thankfully only for a short time.

My life with Patrick was the best vacation ever. We made lots of plans and anticipated how much fun we would have. Most of our plans worked out but we didn’t quite get to do everything we wanted. Sadly we can’t make plans to “go again”. There are no do-overs when someone dies. This is where I pause briefly and remind everyone to embrace life and live it to the fullest. Do the things on your bucket list. Life is much shorter than you think!

Like my trip to Santa Cruz, this trip brought back a lot of memories. Now that I think of it, that may be why I chose to hang out at the Inn for the most part. There are a lot of places that might have been painful to see. When we were driving in I was trying to remember my last trip there. We passed the Kon Tiki Inn and I remembered that we stayed there for our 23rd anniversary. We had a great time in spite of the fact that I came down with a sinus infection. We had planned to go back and take the girls. I had forgotten that there was one more trip. We were in Cayucos for Mom and Pop’s 50th anniversary. We drove over to go to the Great American Melodrama in Oceana. We highly recommend it if you have never been. Joe took Patrick there on one of their birthday camping trips. Patrick loved it and thought it would be fun for the whole family. On our way we stopped in Shell Beach and met Dad and Kandra for dinner. So many great memories of that trip too! I just tried not to get stuck in memories as we passed all of these places.

We might not be able to do another trip exactly like this due to the cost but I plan to investigate and see if there are other places with similar capacity. The trip was fun for everyone and an outside observer probably would not have been able to determine where the Boyles family ended and the teNyenhuis family began.

Today we celebrate my mom’s 75th birthday and a few days later Camille’s first soccer game of the year. In between is another trip to the courthouse for a preliminary hearing. I would really like to avoid that but of course, I will be there. Hopefully that chapter will be wrapped up soon.

I found out that I do have job protection and I have been approved for early retirement. This will be a great relief and I feel like once I am past that I can start making plans for the next few years. I probably won’t work while I am receiving severance but I’m thinking of doing some volunteering. I have always said I wanted to do volunteer work when I retired so I am going to sign up for a few things that will either bring me joy, be good experience for my career in counseling or both. I am also looking forward to being able to attend every single soccer game for Camille. They are returning as undefeated section champs and I can’t wait to see what they do! I will miss Patrick at the games (although maybe not his very loud criticisms of the refs). 😂 Last soccer season was a really exciting time and will always be a great memory for Camille, Sierra and I. This season will be bittersweet but I know Patrick will be there in spirit, I will think of him every time a parent gets a little too obnoxious and I will feel his pride each time Camille has a great play. I’m looking forward to some serious soccer fun! Go Timberwolves!

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Keeper of memories – 10/3/16

Originally posted on 10/3/16.

As my kids were growing up I loved to share funny stories with my mom. She would always laugh and tell me that I really needed to write them down. I didn’t have a blog back then. I’m sure that I intended to write them down but why would I need to? I was married to a man who could remember everything!

I didn’t realize at first how many memories we lost. I’m not quite sure why but my brain does not always store details. I remember a lot but Patrick could remember obscure things such as lines from movies I had never heard of. Like everything else I think he trained his brain to do this. After college he never truly learned to read for pleasure. I know he enjoyed reading but it had to be something of value. He read the entire bible and when he was finished he decided to read the biographies of each of the presidents. I think he made it to Reagan and then stopped. He decided the biographies were more accurate after time had passed. The more recent ones were usually written by supporters and tended to be sugar coated. Of course I can’t think of any cool facts but he loved to share odd things he had learned such as the president who took calls while on the toilet!

He was also great at telling jokes. I would try to repeat them and they were never quite as funny. A highlight of the Steam Donkey shows was the jokes and banter in between songs, much of it groan worthy! I am so grateful that I have videos of that. Usually I can get through them with a smile.

He had favorite sayings too and we have forgotten some of them. One is that he used to tell us that there were only two rules in this house. Rule 1 is never throw things from the second floor, but we are unsure of Rule 2. Rule 2 could be that Dad is Awesome (which he frequently said) or that Dad is always right. Maybe it was “Dad needs a beer”.

Of course, like anyone, he didn’t remember everything, especially if it was a message his wife was supposed to give him! He would be talking to his mom and she would say, “I’m sure Danell told you ….” and he would tell her, “You know we never talk”. In fairness I would say the same thing!

He had another saying related to irony and I think it was poetic irony but it seems like it was a more obscure term. When he found an example of this type of irony he loved to tell us. Recently I experienced this type of irony and although it was a little sad I could just imagine him laughing at the irony of the situation.

A month or two after Patrick died I charged my old iPhone to see if I had any voice messages from him. There had been none on my current phone. I found one message from 2013. He had been on some sort of weekend adventure and I was gone when he got home. He left me a message to say he was home, he was exhausted and he was going to sleep. He ended it with “I love you”. I tried to save the message and the older phone did not have an option to do that. So, rather than play the message on the old phone and record it with the new, I had the brilliant idea to update the old phone. Of course when the update was complete my messages were gone. I took it to the phone store and they confirmed there was no way to retrieve it. I was sad but honestly I wasn’t going to be devastated about it. At the same time, I was still searching to make sure I didn’t miss any audio or video recordings. Eventually I found the voice memos on my phone. Wouldn’t it be sweet if he had recorded me a message? I found an 18 second message and at first it was very staticky. After a minute I realized I had made the recording. In the middle of the night. When his snoring woke me up! I’m not sure what I had planned to do with it but I never shared it with him. He was sensitive about his snoring and his feelings would have been hurt. I burst into laughter! How ironic! I’m looking for a sweet message and instead find the snoring I had recorded in anger. Now that’s (insert term) irony! 😂<<<<<<
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