This is very raw for me and I hesitated to post it but writing this down is actually very helpful for me. I slept like a baby after writing this last night. So, don’t click the link if it is too hard to read. 😉
August 6, 2016 – 2:30 AM
I try to stay positive as much as possible. I probably sound like a broken record when I say that he would want me to be happy. I say it a lot to remind myself but it’s not always easy. And I wonder how I will go on without him?
I went back to work this week and everything was the same as ever, except it’s not the same for me. As I went through emails I found myself looking at the date and time and thinking, “He was alive when this was sent” or just remembering the days and what I was doing.
On April 21st I did not leave the house. I kind of sat around in a numb shock waiting to figure out what to do next. As hard as the worst day of my life was I had no idea that the following days would each be a different kind of hard.
On Friday the 22nd there were 11 of us seated around a table making funeral arrangements. I don’t know how people would ever do that by themselves. Later that day an even larger group of family members met with the police.
Over the weekend there was much discussion and tears in deciding whether or not to see him. Everyone wanted to protect me but I knew I had to see him. Honestly there was no way anyone was going to stop me. I don’t think there are any words to describe seeing your dead husband when he has been ripped from your life so violently. He looked peaceful and he didn’t look like he had suffered too much but my legs went out from under me when I first saw him. I have so many pictures of him so this is just one small memory but I really need it because even now, 3 ½ months later I need to picture this to remind myself that this is real. Probably at least once a day it hits me, THIS REALLY HAPPENED. As inexplicable and crazy as it is, Patrick is gone. He won’t come walking through that door again.
The rosary and service turned out exactly like I wanted them to and it was great to see so many people turn out and know how much love was being shown for all of us. At the same time they were very hard days to get through. I guess I really thought that when we got through those days I would just magically find that everything got progressively easier. That did not happen…