Hi everyone – I am working on growing as a writer so I am adding other sources for following me. I will still write here but will also write on Medium.
New Facebook page: Danell teNyenhuis Black
Medium Profile: Danell on Medium
Today I Grieve for our Pre-Covid Lives
I think this has been the hardest week of the pandemic so far. The world has just become such a hateful place. As a counselor, I recognize that this is a really stressful time and I try to have compassion for people. That has been more of a challenge and sometimes I am just so angry that it has brought the worst out in so many people.
In Clovis, the big topic has been whether or not in-person classes will happen. My kids are in college so it doesn’t affect me directly, but I have friends and family who are parents and/or teachers in Clovis Unified. And there are mixed opinions about what should happen with schools. The governor took the weight of this debate off everyone for now by requiring that schools start the year off online.
Prior to that happening I saw a post from a friend (and former high school classmate), who is an award-winning high school teacher. This friend survived breast cancer in the last few years, so, she is understandably very concerned about the level of exposure. I should also add that this friend loves teaching and her students love her. I know this because they frequently seek her out after they have graduated and post messages telling her the impact she had on them. I always read her posts because she is a very positive, uplifting person. I became angry when I saw that one of the comments on her post was another high school classmate calling her a “whiny baby” for posting that she felt expendable. The same individual also left equally offensive insults on some of the comments made by others. I knew this person in high school and always had a good opinion of her but I haven’t stayed in touch. So I took a look at her Facebook profile to try and understand why she was being so hateful. If I had to give a brief synopsis of her profile it would be “Christian woman who spends her life doing good deeds”. I’m sure you all have friends who fit into this category and I’m not saying it’s a bad thing. I have known people like this my whole life and many were indeed good people. I wish I could say I was surprised to see the discrepancy between her profile and her comments but I wasn’t.
I’m not the kind of person who quotes scripture on Facebook but I do remember the general lessons I have learned from reading the Bible. What I know is that we should treat others well and we should show who we are by our deeds, not our words. Once again, I was disappointed to see someone proclaiming to be a good person based on the fact that they are Christian, yet acting in a very ungodly way. To make matters worse, the commenter’s sister defended her by saying she had adopted a special needs child. Doing good things doesn’t give you a pass to be hateful to others. Needless to say, I will not be sending a friend request to this particular long-lost classmate.
If this incident were an anomaly I wouldn’t think much about it, but it happens entirely too often. I don’t really advertise my religious beliefs. I know I’m supposed to go out into the world and tell others the “good news” but I also feel that you can do this with actions, not words. I believe that I should strive to be a good person, to treat others how I would like to be treated, and to have love and compassion for all. I try not to judge and to be forgiving. I guess this post fails at the judging part so I will need to work on that. My point is that we should demonstrate who we are by our actions and “They will know we are Christians by our love”. Also, I am definitely not perfect, which is another reason why I don’t post or write a lot about my religious beliefs. I try to be a good person, that is all.
Patrick has been on my mind a lot lately and of course I wonder how he would react to all of this. I know that he would be focused on the medical/scientific aspect of this. He wouldn’t question the need for a mask and I think he would probably agree with the closures and social distancing. He would have done his own research and also listened to the opinions of medical professionals whom he worked closely with. And actually, he probably would have been very alarmed at the potential for loss of life and disruption to medical care. I’m very thankful that our daughters are also sensible and have followed social distancing guidelines. I know he would be proud.
In the interest of full disclosure I will say that the pandemic has had little financial impact on my household. I have had to be cautious since I rely on savings that is subject to fluctuations in the stock market but Bruce is still working and overall we have been in a good position. In fact, Sierra and I both started paid positions in the last few weeks so we are in an even better position. I understand that I have privilege that others might not so, for me, the economic impact is not as significant.
With that being said I feel that the potential for loss of life should be a top priority. Some people have tried to downplay this by saying that these are people who were not healthy to begin with. Or that the numbers aren’t really that high. Sadly, I think their opinions might change if the virus hits close to home.
With all of the tension right now, I’ve gone back and forth about what to write, what to post, etc. I feel that I have educated myself on many current issues and that makes me want to share that information. But I’ve seen others become angry with anything that contradicts their beliefs. I’m still surprised that the pandemic and social justice have become political issues. Sadly, I think it will get worse before it gets better. Be safe everyone! You can also find me on Medium.com – @danellt9black.
Twenty-eighth
Twenty eight years ago I was probably laying in bed awake at 2:00 in the morning just like I am now. I’m taking a training class this weekend so I essentially worked 10:00 AM – 9:30 PM and my class is all day the next two days. I need to sleep, so of course, I’m awake.
In 1992, I’m sure I was going through all of the details and worrying about everything going smoothly. And I was also super excited that my wedding day had arrived. We had waited six long years to begin our life together. The day turned out beautifully and was all I had ever hoped for and more! This will be the 4th anniversary without Patrick and I am able to think about it with more smiles than tears.
The other day, I was telling my counselor that it has become harder to write my blog. I will always love Patrick and I also love Bruce. I know it can’t always be easy for Bruce but he never makes it awkward. I know that I don’t have to hold back and I’ve cried in his arms on several occasions. I am so grateful that I was blessed to find love a second time. My counselor encouraged me to keep writing and I’m sure I will.
I can’t think about Patrick without feeling a sense of deep love and gratitude that we were given the gift of two beautiful awesome girls and allowed to be their parents. I am thankful for them every day and it also breaks my heart that he is missing out on everything they’ve accomplished. And they are missing him! As hard as the quarantine has been, I will always remember that it gave me extra time with the girls and allowed us to live as a family for a while. Bruce would never presume to take Patrick’s place but he has found his own place in their hearts. Sometimes I come out of my office at the end of the day and hear the three of them talking and laughing downstairs. How great is that?
I still have days when it feels like no time has passed and the grief feels fresh. I know that my heart has buried some of it to protect me from the pain but it’s still ever-present. Most days my heart allows me to look back on the good times and remember the love. For that, I am grateful!
Silence is not always Golden
I’ve recently decided to use my voice to raise awareness about systemic racism and white privilege. I’ve posted some of it here but I was worried that many of you come here to hear stories about Patrick or stories about grieving and I didn’t want to offend you. So I started posting on a site called Medium. This is a user friendly site that makes it easy for anyone to publish their writing and have a voice. I’ve read stories occasionally on this site in the past. I like it because it tells you how many minutes on average the stories take to read so I can decide if I have time to commit to a reading a story. I didn’t realize that you can only read five stories per month before you are required to join. More on that later…
I’ve written that my opinions did not change overnight but instead have been a slow process that began when Patrick died. I’ve been criticized for implying that my college degree is the only reason that I understand this. And, I do think that education encourages the type of critical thinking that helps you look at things differently, but I don’t think a college degree is required. Knowledge is the key and there are many ways to increase your knowledge.
I have found that Medium is a great site to get a variety of different perspectives. Any writer can publish there, not just the highly successful ones. You can pay around $5 per month for a subscription. The stories are not long either so you can read much more quickly than a book.
I find myself getting upset and angry at the many posts I see that are making excuses for poor treatment of black people. I know that my changed feelings may result in irreparable damage to relationships and this makes me sad. I’ve always tried to keep peace. However, I feel a strong calling to speak out and I’m going to continue to do that in multiple ways. My opinion mattered when it was about grief so I am hoping you will keep that in mind and take a few minutes to hear what I have to say. This is not about Patrick and I honestly don’t know how he would feel but he was a good person and I would like to think that he would have opened his heart to try and understand the struggles that black people have faced since before this country was founded. So I am going to use this platform to speak out.
Below are links to the stories I have posted on Medium. These are “friend links” so you can read without joining. I would love for you to read them but I would love it even more if you would listen to some of the black voices that are speaking out, and I mention some in my writing.
My Family Disagrees About Facebook Posts
One Hometown – Alternate Realities
If You Think You Are Unbiased, You’re Fooling Yourself
Although I am very tempted to apologize for disagreeing with some of the people I love (since that is my nature), I’m not going to do that. I am stepping out of my comfort zone because I think it is important for all of us to remove our blinders and try to understand what is going on. It’s not going away folks, no matter how sad or angry it makes you. I’m going to end with a quote from my friend, Paul Moore. Full disclaimer, I didn’t ask his permission but I feel he would be ok with it.
I feel like we are living out Malcolm’s post-JFK-assassination “chickens come home to roost” quote. Suddenly we’re back to 1968…because we never really got past 1968 in the first place. We are stuck and we need to change as much as ever before, because we can’t and shouldn’t go back to our head-in-the-sand recent existence. One day after another, we prove ourselves to not be nearly as good a country as we claim to be. The first step to recovery is admitting we have a problem, and it should be obvious by now we do have a problem.
We all need to be part of the solution
Our beliefs are a combination of our family values, our upbringing, life experience, observation, and even research. Since some of this input happens throughout life, sometimes beliefs change.
In 2016 my world was turned upside down. There was an important election that year and I did not care. I put very little thought into it and based it on my beliefs at the time. I have been a lifelong Republican and party lines have generally matched my beliefs. I have a somewhat closely guarded secret. I voted for Donald Trump. Some of you will cheer this news and tell me there is nothing to be ashamed of. Some of you will be disappointed in me and some might even unfriend me. Honestly, with what I know today, it still would have been a hard decision because I really wasn’t happy with the alternative. And I guess I really thought that Donald Trump would rely on experts to guide policy. I liked the idea of changing politics and I believed that taking a fresh look from a business viewpoint might be just what we needed. I also mistakenly assumed that Donald Trump would be presidential. I am guilty of not considering what kind of person I was voting for.
Eight years earlier I was more involved in the election. I had what I considered a friendly ongoing debate with an African American coworker. He shared his support of Barack Obama and I shared my support of John McCain (full disclosure – I had to google who was running that year so clearly I wasn’t passionate about him). The day after the election I went into work and congratulated him on his candidate winning. I actually felt ok about Obama winning. I thought it was an important milestone for our country and I believed, and still do believe, that Barack Obama is a decent human being. I also looked forward to my party not being blamed for everything wrong in the world.
Now back to 2016. This year is also significant because I started my education as a counselor in September, 2016. Imagine my surprise when I figured out that counseling was a liberal profession?
While becoming a counselor you have to become intimately familiar with your own personal biases. This can be a very difficult process. In my cultural diversity class I was given an assignment to write about my biases. I wasn’t given the option to say I wasn’t biased. I had to reflect on my beliefs and I was not proud of what I saw. I have denied being racist my entire life and I now realized that some of my denials, if not racist, were ignorant and offensive to minorities. Having biracial relatives doesn’t prove I am not racist. Having minority friends does not prove I am not racist. Being kind to minorities does not prove that I am not racist. Accepting the privilege I was born into and not speaking out against racism does make me racist.
One of the most racist things I ever did, I did in the presence of one of my closest friends, Lisa. Lisa is a huge Lakers fan and I have had the opportunity to attend a few Lakers games with her. During one trip we found ourselves looking for parking and ended up in a sketchy neighborhood. I remarked to Lisa that I was glad I was with her (she is 6 feet tall and black). Lisa looked at me like I was crazy and laughed. She said something along the lines of “You think I can protect you because I’m black? I’m scared too!”
I believe Lisa forgave me but I’ve never asked. I’m sure it was one racist act in a long line of racism she has experienced. I feel that I am basically a good person and I think she would agree but that doesn’t excuse my racist behavior.
While completing my assignment on personal biases, I found an interesting essay on White privilege. This article changed my life and I truly mean this. I challenge any white person who follows me to read this article and then ask yourself if it is not true. After reading it I finally understood, I have privileges that I have not earned. I received these privileges simply by being white. I think this concept is so difficult for fellow white people to accept because it changes our whole identity. I used to say that I did not condone slavery and I didn’t understand why blacks felt mistreated when slavery was so far in the past. I was annoyed when police officers were questioned for simply doing their job. I believed that law abiding citizens would never be mistaken for criminals and I believed that most police killings were the result of the victims criminal behavior. I have two nephews in law enforcement. They are good people. I think the majority of law enforcement is good. But that doesn’t excuse the behavior of those who are not.
In my diversity class I also learned about Microaggressions. The attachment gives examples. If you find it hard to acknowledge that you have been racist, maybe you can at least acknowledge that you have been guilty of microaggressions. I’ve included the definition below.
mi·cro·ag·gres·sion/ˌmīkrōəˈɡreSHən/Learn to pronouncenoun
- a statement, action, or incident regarded as an instance of indirect, subtle, or unintentional discrimination against members of a marginalized group such as a racial or ethnic minority.”students posed with dry-erase boards documenting their experiences with microaggressions on campus”
- indirect, subtle, or unintentional discrimination against members of a marginalized group.”they are not subject to daily acts of microaggression”
At the very least, my interaction with my friend Lisa was a microaggression. I’ve also been guilty of this when I’ve said that I can’t be racist because I have black friends and relatives. Another microaggression is saying “All Lives Matter”. This article explains why. Black Lives Matter is a movement that started to bring attention to needless deaths. Changing the first word to fit your cause or beliefs is, in my opinion, a form of cultural misappropriation. Many of you will disagree and I challenge you by giving you comparisons. Would you walk into a cancer fundraiser and try to make it all about heart disease? Would you walk into a funeral and talk about someone you lost? I can’t think of anyone who would do these things because most rational people understand that cancer fundraising organizations are not denying the rights of other organizations that raise funds to fight another disease. And a funeral is the time to celebrate one person’s life.
The events of the last seven days need to be a wake up call to all white Americans. We need to speak up. Watching a cop kneel on George Floyd’s neck until he died was horrific. And, white privilege was on full display in Central Park when Christian Cooper was harassed by a white woman.
When I read the white privilege essay some of my beliefs changed immediately. Over time this experience has caused me to reflect on my beliefs and I am continuing to adjust my beliefs. I don’t consider myself smarter than my fellow whites who do not accept white privilege, I consider myself more informed. In closing I will quote my niece, Shayna Danell Boyles 💕 , who summed this up in a Facebook post,
“Even when it feels like the world has stopped spinning, racism is alive and well. if you’re not doing your part to actively combat racism, you are the problem. if you see an act of racism and passively allow it to happen, you are the problem. if you’re not actively working towards dismantling the system that is TODAY killing people of color, you’re standing directly in the way of progress, and it’s time to move.”
Graduation Day
The day Patrick died I was overwhelmed with the love and support that I received. As the days went by I was amazed by the lives he had touched and the people who were profoundly affected by his death. At the time I couldn’t imagine a world without Patrick but I also couldn’t imagine getting through this if I didn’t have my people.
My people, each and every one of you! You helped me through this and inspired me to make something positive out of so much sadness. I had never planned to return to school, it wasn’t even on my radar. Suddenly the pieces began falling in place and I was enrolled in the Professional Clinical Counseling program (online) at Grand Canyon University. I didn’t think it would take me nearly four years to get my masters but I did it at the pace that was right for me.
Today I was supposed to attend commencement in Phoenix, Arizona. And, like all the other significant events right now, it has been postponed. I’m not going to let that stop me from celebrating so I put on my regalia and Sierra played Pomp & Circumstance on her phone while taking pictures. Someday our lives will get back to normal. For now I’m happy to have something to celebrate!
Thank you to all my family and friends who supported me, loved me, and believed in me!
4 years
Another year has come and gone. This day will always be bittersweet with the good and bad memories. Some people choose not to observe death anniversaries but it’s going to be there even if I try to ignore it. And honestly, I don’t ever want to forget the love and compassion shown to me that day. I took screenshots of every message, post, and text and I like to look through them occasionally.
The girls and I went to the cemetery today. We shared some memories and Camille commented on the irreverence of his headstone. He would have loved it! There were several special mementos left there by other family so we knew we weren’t the only visitors.
So much has happened since then. I know he is beaming with pride at all that the girls have accomplished. I think he would also like my new career path. I’m not sure how he would react to the pandemic. Being a healthcare professional, I know he would be familiar with the science and understand the need for the drastic measures being taken. But I think he would also find humor in the fact that toilet paper is a hot commodity. We just know that he would make us laugh, because that’s what he did.
My current class ends on Wednesday. This is also my final class. In honor of Patrick, and as a way to add something happy to April 20th (I know, there is already something associated with 4/20), I submitted my last assignments and my final hours. I am DONE with my degree! My commencement was scheduled for May 1st but has been postponed to October. So, I am going to make my own graduation, on Zoom! I have my cap, gown, and hood and I’ve already lined up a commencement speaker! Can’t wait to be officially employed!
Sheltered at home
This is not the pandemic I imagined. Years ago I read The Stand by Stephen King. And I always thought a pandemic would look something like that, with a really high death rate. So in some ways this is a better scenario, but it’s also worse. I never imagined that the whole world could be affected so quickly. And, I never imagined that so much would be shut down.
I’ve tried to do some reading during this. If I read about normal activities like social gatherings or eating out I catch myself wondering how they are able to do that. Has this happened to anyone else? Normal activities seem like such a novelty. And even though it’s only been 5 weeks or so, it feels like it’s been a lot longer.
When this first started, my sister Dawan showed me the Johns Hopkins site with the COVID-19 map. I noticed her taking a screen shot of the numbers so I did too. And then I obsessively kept taking screen shots twice a day. I’m not even completely sure why I did that. My counselor brain says that the whole thing was so unknown that I wanted to find some sort of predictable pattern. I estimated that I took these screen shots for a few weeks but I just looked at the date stamps and it was only 5 days. When I took the first picture, on March 15th, California had 368 confirmed cases and 5 deaths. On March 20th that number had risen to 1,030 confirmed cases and 18 deaths. Four weeks later we are now at 28,157 confirmed cases and 973 deaths. That number will probably increase as I write this. But, it’s actually not as high as I had envisioned and it doesn’t seem to be growing as fast. So, hopefully the social distancing is working.
I’ve been wanting to get back to writing but it’s been difficult to decide exactly what I want to say. When I’m in pain, the words just pour out but now I probably tend to overthink what I’m writing. But I feel that history needs to be recorded so this is my way of documenting what is happening.
This pandemic has effected our society in profound ways. I know we will feel the effects for years and we will probably never return to the “normal” that we used to know. Not to minimize all of this but I have to say that I am extremely grateful for this gift of extra time with Sierra, Camille, and Bethany. Sierra (and her cat Gidget) moved back on March 14th. That same day, Bethany flew home from the Culinary Art Institute in New York. Camille stayed in Davis for a few more days as she studied for finals. But on Monday the 16th I started hearing about the possibility of sheltering in place and I asked Camille to come home. I was so relieved to have them home! Beth splits time between our place and her moms. Since both households take social distancing seriously we feel that is ok. When she is with us we eat WELL! Lately we’ve been getting sourdough bread each day! Last week she made the Disneyland Churro recipe and it was yummy! She also made enough cinnamon rolls to deliver some to my immediate family members. We enjoyed getting out for some social distance visits.
I’m used to getting my girls for long stretches but it’s nice to have them here together. I am just soaking in all the memories and enjoying my time with them. 💕💕 I am especially grateful for the time with Beth. When she graduates we know she will probably not end up in town so this is time we would have never had with her. I’m getting to know her so much better and she and the girls enjoy their time together.
So, for me, the quarantine has had a silver lining. I’m also grateful that Bruce is still employed and I will be again soon. I have one week of class left and then I will apply for registration as an Associate Professional Clinical Counselor (APCC). Once I get my registration number, I will start working for Omega Mental Health as a paid employee! Until then I will continue seeing my clients via Telehealth.
My work has changed in many ways. Telehealth can be impersonal but I am also getting a glimpse into my client’s homes and I think that has been a good thing. The first few weeks we mainly talked about the impact the quarantine had on people and things they could do to decrease anxiety and depression. For some, being isolated has become their number one problem. For others, being quarantined removed a lot of their day to day problems. I think it has been a good learning experience and I do feel that I’m helping.
So, I’m sure you are wondering what I tell my clients. Here is my recipe for improving your mood and decreasing anxiety:
- CONNECTION- Find ways to connect with friends and family members. Zoom meetings are great and you can get a free account. You can share your screen and play games together. Check out jackbox.tv for multiplayer games. My favorite are Drawful 2 and Trivia Murder Party. Consider doing a social distance visit where you stand 6-10 feet apart, talk, do air hugs, etc.
- LIMIT NEWS UPDATES – I check the news in the morning and before I go to bed. I’m a news junkie and I could spend the whole day reading about COVID-19 but it’s really not healthy.
- CHECK OUT THE AMAZING THINGS that entertainers and average people are doing while quarantined. Here are some of my favorites on YouTube: The Tonight Show at Home Edition, SGN – Some Good News with John Krasinski, Stay Homas – 3 Italian roommates who formed a band! Or just search COVID-19 or quarantine.
- STRUCTURE and ROUTINE – If you work from home or do school online this is fairly easy. If not, try to stick to consistent bed times and plan out your day. Maybe get dressed in real clothes occasionally?
- FIND PURPOSE – my mom is sewing masks to donate to hospitals. If you have that ability that’s a great thing to do. Other ideas are to do something artistic, musical, or educational. I’m not saying that you need to do something worthwhile or altruistic. The whole point is to find something that brings you joy.
- Finally, realize that there is no road map or manual for this. Do what works for you. If it makes you feel good, do more of that. If it makes you sad, do less.
Hang in there!
The day I married Batman
Do you like the title? Bruce is probably tired of all of the Batman references but we definitely had fun with them! The last 4 months have flown by and I haven’t felt like I had enough time to really write about this. Today I thought it might be a good distraction.
The wedding turned out exactly as planned, well except for the one special request I had… but I will get to that later! I think I spent close to two years planning my first wedding and we pulled this one off in a few months! We picked Thanksgiving weekend so, of course, it was a busy time. It was also the first big holiday since we moved into our house so we decided to do Thanksgiving dinner at our house.
Bruce’s mom, Carrol, and his stepdad, Joe, arrived on Thanksgiving morning. This was the first time the girls and I met them so it was nice to have a few days to get acquainted. I also wanted them to meet some of my family so they weren’t overwhelmed on the day of the wedding. We had a great visit!
The night before the wedding Bruce stayed in a hotel. I was a bundle of nerves and I had planned to pack for our Minnie-moon and I probably would have found other ways to stress myself out! I sat up talking with Carrol and Joe instead and by the time I went to bed I was completely relaxed.
The next day flew by as I had my hair done by Gaby and Mia Castillo and Sierra did my makeup. Finally Cathy and I headed to the venue. Bruce picked up the girls after we left and they arrived a little later. Here are a few “before” pics.
When it was time to start, Matt escorted my mother-in-law Barbara in, my Dad escorted my step-mom Kandra in, Bruce escorted his Mom and Denny escorted my Mom. Then we had Sierra, Bethany and Camille walk in together, followed by best man and matron of honor Gavin and Cathy. I wanted the wedding to be a little unique so I entered with the opening to Prince’s “Let’s Go Crazy” and walked down the aisle to “Here Comes the Sun” by the Beatles. And I was very happy to be walked down the aisle by my Pop, Andre teNyenhuis. Pop made it clear that he was “presenting me”, not giving me away!
My dad officiated and made sure it was memorable by reading an entire paragraph for the ring exchange and then asking Bruce to repeat it! Bruce and I wrote our own vows. His vows included the promise to provide me with really good health insurance and I promised to never quiz him on my family’s names.
At the reception we were toasted by Gavin, Cathy, Denny, & Sierra. Denny managed to include the Batman theme and a lot of crowd participation. We had a great time at the reception and then it all ended too quickly. I’m going to let the pictures tell the rest of the story but before I forget, the one thing that went wrong…. I thought I was doing a good thing hiring a charity bartender but I was disappointed with their service. I requested two special drinks, in advance, and they did not bring them! Anyone who knows me well can probably guess that one was Diet Pepsi. The other was Diet Mountain Dew for Bruce. So yeah, all in all it was a perfect day! ❤️❤️❤️
Triggers
I’m supposed to be sleeping. I’m supposed to be in a good place. I’m happy and I have an amazing husband. I also apparently have some unresolved grief.
On Sunday, when I saw the breaking news alert about Kobe Bryant, I immediately thought of my good friends Lisa Walthall and Diana Durham. They are both huge Lakers fans and they’ve each taken me to Lakers games. I imagined that it would hit them hard. I enjoy any professional sports but I don’t really follow them a lot. I ran downstairs to tell Bruce the news and then I sat down in front of the TV and obsessively watched the news for hours. And I got sadder and sadder. Sierra texted Camille and I to say “I love you”. I asked if they had heard the news and they had and Sierra said that’s why she had texted. We texted back and forth a bit about how awful it was and then I continued watching the news.
I tend to be a news junkie when something bad happens. I worried that Bruce would think I was obsessed but honestly I WAS obsessed! Who was in the helicopter with him? How many children did he have? Were they with him? at first the news said there were five people. This is going to sound terrible but at one point I thought he had 3 kids. So, if he happened to be the pilot of his helicopter, it was possible he was flying the whole family. So then I was agonizing over whether or not they would all be in there. As horrible as that would have been, it would have meant that no one was left behind. Then I found out he had 4 daughters and I felt sick at the thought that possibly one member of the family was left behind. What if it was a kid? How do you come back from that?
After several hours I started realizing that I had probably watched enough. I was going to turn off the tv but I watched a news conference first. And they said there were 9 people on the plane!!! Once again I obsessed over the possible scenarios, each worse than the others. Finally I turned off the tv, spent time with Bruce and tried to feel better. By then it was evening. I went to bed wondering why this was hitting me so hard.
Once in bed, I still couldn’t sleep. I thought about Nancy Saltzman, who loss her husband and two sons in a plane crash. I credit her book, Radical Survivor, for giving me hope in those early days. I was positive that if I had lost Patrick AND the girls, I would not have wanted to live without them. If Nancy could survive that, surely I could survive losing my husband and still having my daughters.
I checked Nancy’s Facebook page and she hadn’t posted anything but she had shared a post from Michelle Neff Hernandez, who I recognized as the founder of Soaring Spirits International, a support group for widows and widowers. I’m putting a link to the full message below but basically it talked about wondering how Vanessa Bryant was coping and recognizing that some of us have gone through similar losses.
After reading that, everything fell into place. Even though this tragedy was not the exact circumstances, it was close enough to trigger painful memories. I also know I’m not alone, many of my fellow widows and others who have lost loved ones were also feeling incredibly sad.
I drove to work Monday wondering if I was fit to do counseling. I have an ethical duty to monitor my fitness to counsel. I felt ok but I also continued to monitor myself. At one point I talked to my coworker, Andrew, and shared what I was feeling. He validated my feelings and reassured me. That night I talked a bit more about what I had been feeling and Bruce thanked me for sharing and asked how he could help. Did I mention that he is wonderful?
As the week wore on I wasn’t really feeling any better. I talked about it during supervision at work and decided I should probably go back to counseling myself. I’m realizing that there are certain parts of this journey that I have not let myself feel. It’s easy to do. In fact, people told me I was doing it and I really didn’t believe them. Sometimes suppressing feelings is a survival mechanism and I did what I needed to do. But I pushed a lot deep inside me and now it needs to get out.
Last night I was at a low point and I cuddled up with Bruce and told him the story of that day. I thought I had already told him. I thought I talked about it all the time. But apparently I mainly share happy memories. I shared all of the really painful ones and had a good cry. It was a good start to a new journey I have to take. Since I’m a counselor now I’ve decided that this is a learning opportunity for me. I’m going to try a few different approaches and I’m going to try and write more, since that really helps me. As always, thank you to everyone for your support. ❤️❤️❤️