Yesterday I attended a memorial service for my cousin Kimberly Jordan’s step-son, Cody Jordan. He struggled with addiction and his life ended way too soon. I didn’t really know him that well but his death had a huge impact on a lot of people.
After losing Patrick I kind of feel like I’m supposed to be some sort of expert on grief. Especially now that I am doing my counseling internship. At funerals, I want to go up to people and say something comforting. The truth is, there’s really nothing anyone can say to take away the pain. I have learned a few things that help.
Say their name – I know I’ve said this before but it’s worth repeating. I can’t speak for everyone but most grieving people appreciate the acknowledgment that their person existed and is now gone. In fact, at first, it was very odd if I went somewhere and Patrick wasn’t mentioned. I mean, didn’t people realize that I thought about him all day long? Which brings me to the next point…
Bringing it up does NOT remind us that it happened – To me, it sounds crazy even writing that. I don’t think any of us consciously think that but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t guilty of the same thing. “I don’t want to bring up a bad memory”. Trust me, you never forget losing someone. Hearing their name is just acknowledgment that others felt their loss.
Listen – I am learning that allowing someone to talk about their trauma or loss is one of the most effective forms of healing. Death is still such a taboo subject in our society and I think that serves to make grief more isolating. At work and in my personal life, I encourage people to talk about their grief, it’s very healthy.
Keep reaching out but don’t smother – I appreciated people checking on me but also knowing when to give me space. There were many people that let me know they were there for me if needed but sometimes I needed time alone. Balance was good!
Offer or do, don’t ask – We are all guilty of this one… “Please let me know if there is anything I can do”. You will usually never get a response from this, even if there are things you can do, it’s still hard to ask. I really appreciated the people who were in the kitchen washing dishes, getting leaves out of the pool, taking the trash out… If you see something you can do, just do it.
My intent is not to criticize anyone who is guilty of breaking these rules. I’m guilty! But I like to think I do at least a little better now that I know. Hopefully this can be a guide for those who don’t know what to say or do.
The most important thing is, Say their name!
I’ve been impacted by a lot of untimely deaths and I know this is not an all-inclusive list but here are the names I need to say. Feel free to add your own in the comments.
